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Is it worth it?
Thursday, Mar. 08, 2007 12:25 PM

"What I dream of is an art of balance." - Henri Matisse (1869 - 1954)

The last three days have been a trial on my patience. I waited in line tonight at Wendy's for over 20 minutes for some food. The only reason I didn't drive off is because I had all ready paid for my meal. I thought the whole concept of fast food was to be given service FAST. Oddly enough, I didn't get frustrated with the workers at Wendy's even though there was only one other car in the drive-thru in front of me. Does this mean my frustration levels are improving?

When a Wendy's employee came out to give me my food, I asked him a question I was curious about. You know how they have you drive forward and tell you that they'll bring you your food when it's ready? Well, they had the car in front of me drive forward and they asked me to drive into a handicapped parking spot. So this is what I asked him, "Why is it, when there are only 2 cars in line and there's nobody waiting, do you guys have us pull forward or off to the side?" I've always been curious about that because I find it would be easier just to keep the person by the window in such cases. He told me he didn't know, but I didn't expect him too.

Funny thing happened after that. He started to have a conversation with me. First he asked me about school. Then he asked me if I had a family (as in kids and a husband), followed by a question asking me if I had a boyfriend. Once he found out I was 100% single, he said, "We should do something sometime."

This is what I know about him. His job at Wendy's is only temporary until he can move on to better things. When he was telling me that, it was almost as if he was ashamed of being a Wendy's employee; so I told him, "Hey, at least you're doing something." And he said, "Yeah, I've always had a job. I'm definitely not lazy." That's when I also found out that he's a welder whose about to go in for an interview with one of the aircraft plants here. He loves to workout, he's originally from Michigan, and he's 25. When I found out he was 25, I thought to myself, "What is it with me and all these 25 year olds?" Remember, when I met Av he was 25. I also have an uncanny knack for getting hit on by men in the drive-thru lane. Anyway, this guy proceeded to give me his phone number and I gave him mine, and now we'll just see what happens.

On another note, ever since I posted my pictures up on My Space, I've been getting hit on quite a bit by men in their early 30s. Not only that, but one of my old sex partners from back in the day wants to hook up again. I can't tell you how good it feels to be hit on. I'm enjoying it a bit too much, I think.

Other than that, I've had to deal with this: I didn't get my homework done for my theory class on time (it was due last Friday) so now I'm a week behind everybody else. That's still better than being two weeks behind like I was at the beginning of the semester. So, instead of going straight home from class and plugging away on the assignment which the professor is giving me extra time on, I went in to work for about 2 hours. I need the money since I'm going to NYC in about 2 weeks. And, while I stayed home today from work today because I was so tired, I still didn't work on my assignment. Nor have I started to finish it up yet.

I'm still wondering if I made the right decision because my motivation still hasn't kicked back in. Don't get me wrong. I enjoy my classmates and the professor. And I'll always have a fondness for Sociology, but I just don't care anymore. I think it's burnout or something. I don't know.

I've been thinking seriously about my life lately and what direction I want to take it in, but I can't seem to see a future in my distance. I've even tried the whole "where do I want to be in 10 years" crap. The only thing that seems to be getting me through right now is remembering what Cory told me awhile back about how you have to find the balance between the things you have to do and the things you want to do. Right now, I'm stuck having to do the things I have to do because I'm not sure what it is I want to do.

I know I want to travel but that requires money. The only way I'm ever going to get some money is by working - but as it stands right now, I need to improve my education to get a job that will give me the kind of money I need to do the things I want. That's what motivated me to jump into a masters program, and I chose Sociology because I have always found it interesting. Now I'm wondering if it was only interesting because the classes they set up at the undergraduate level are all topics anybody would find interesting because they focus on our social behavior.

What I'm dealing with this semester is learning how to code the data that we learn about AND starting our thesis in the theory class. We're not focusing on the theories created by famous sociologists or saying, "Well, that's Marxist because of this..." No, we're creating a thesis on a topic we didn't get to choose. And the worst part of it is, in 2 years when we're done with our thesis, we have to present it to a board of people and defend it. How am I going to defend something I don't care about? Well, that I'm not passionate about, anyway.

Perhaps this is the reason I'm lacking motivation. I'm not looking forward to spending 2 years working on a topic I don't care about and then defending it. But what can I do about it now? I just hope that by the end of the semester I figure it all out because I know I'm going to have to make some life changing decisions. I just want to know if it's worth it, if staying in this program is worth the sacrafice, because if it's not... I need to decide what to do with my life.


In 19 Seconds

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You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself any direction you choose.
You're on your own. And you know what you know.
And YOU are the one who'll decide where to go...

- Dr. Seuss