Is it Love?
Saturday, Mar. 24, 2007 9:39 PM

"Never pretend to a love which you do not actually feel, for love is not ours to command." - Alan Watts

Lately, I find myself questioning things that I know shouldn't be questioned. "What did I do wrong?" "How could I have done things differently?" "Is there something wrong with me?" And I find these questions intensifying the closer my sister's wedding date gets.

I have yet to figure out if I'm against the marriage or if I just fear that it's a repeat from the past. Her third marriage. Her third husband. The situation is almost an exact repeat of the events that led up to her second marriage. I can't help but feel a lack of confidence deep inside, and I wonder if I'll ever truly get over it and begin to support my sister for the love that she has found.

Another part of me questions myself. Am I feeling these emotions because I fear it's a repeat of the past, or am I feeling them because I am just a little bit jealous inside? I wonder if I am, and then I wonder if there's something wrong with me. I am 29 years old. I haven't been married yet. I haven't been in a serious relationship in over two years. And then there's my oldest sibling, aged 33. She hasn't been single since she was 14. She married at 21, married again at 26, and now she's entering into her third marriage. Am I jealous that she can so easily fall in love and find somebody to be a significant part of her life? Or am I worried that she will only do the same thing to Cole that she did to the others because she fears being alone, because she's dependent on men to make her happy?

Leslie put me in charge of her wedding music. I've been creating music CD's to play at her reception. She asked for mostly love songs, so I have been surrounded by the music created for those who have found themselves falling madly in love with one another. This only intensifies my questions. "Could I have done things differently in the past?" "Had I been just a little bit more different personality wise, would I be the one wrapped up in David's arms late at night?" "Had I been more forgiving, would I be laughing and enjoying the pleasure of the humor Casey brought into my life right now?"

So much of the music I'm putting onto the CD came from the two of them. It's music they gave me, music they touched me with. And I miss being touched like that. I miss falling asleep to the sounds of their voices, waking up with a smile on my face because they filled me up with a warm giddy feeling. I miss doing crossword puzzles with David, and being sung to by Casey. I miss being in love.

I don't know if it's my age. I don't know if it's the music I'm listening too. I don't know if it's because I'm going to have to sit through another one of my sister's weddings and watch her say the vows I long to say to somebody someday. I just don't know.

So many people say to me the words I've often said to others. "Don't look for it. It will fall into your lap when you least expect it." "It will happen for you. Just don't be afraid to take risks." And the list goes on. Then, on the other side, I hear this: "Why isn't somebody like you taken yet?" "I'm shocked you're not in a relationship. I would think somebody like you would be in one." And that only makes me ask myself over and over again... "Is it me? And if it is, then what the hell is wrong with me?"

So tell me... what in the hell is wrong with me?