Shawn
Thursday, May. 24, 2007 4:19 PM
"You're dealing with the demon of external validation. You can't beat external validation. You want to know why? Because it feels sooo good." -Barbara Hall, Northern Exposure, Gran Prix, 1994
Last week I felt like it was the end of the world. This week doesn't feel like it so much. I wonder what the difference is. Does it really have to do with my hormone levels? Was I severely PMSing last week? God, I don't even know anymore!
Monday my brother left for San Francisco. I drove him to the airport at 5 AM. When I made it home, I went back to sleep. Bad idea! I overslept and made it into work late. And yet, I was doing SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO good. Then, on Tuesday, I overslept again. I decided to blame my sheets. Never sleep with satin sheets during the summer months. They're HOT. Wednesday was actually a day where I put in my 8 hours at work. Then, today, I woke up at 10:30. My alarm clock was blinking 6:02. The electricity had gone out during the night so my alarm clock never went off. Figures! I only knew what time it really was because my cell phone was resting beside my head.
Tuesday I went shopping with my mom. She keeps nagging me to dress nicer for work so I told her if I had the clothes to wear to work I would. Well, she took me out and spent a grand on clothing. Now I don't have an excuse. I do, however, need to go home and hang my clothes up, clean out that closet, vacuum my floors, and get the house a bit cleaner before the bug man arrives tomorrow morning. Oh yeah, I'm going to be late to work tomorrow because the bug man is coming. I have given up on making it to 40 hours this week.
I don't remember when it was. I think it was on Monday. Well, I called up my friend Shawn. We talked for a good while until it was time for me to leave work. He asked me to call him back again that night so I did. He didn't answer but he ended up calling me back. We talked again for awhile and I fell back into this strange comfort zone.
I call the comfort zone strange because I'm enjoying myself. It's also strange because even though I'm not certain about anything with this guy, I'm okay with that. And to me, that's strange. Normally I'm all nervous in the service when it involves a guy I'm way into... but with him? Well, I'm keeping myself in check here. I have to. If I don't, I'll lose myself.
Well, while I was out shopping with my mom, he calls me up. He asks me if I'm busy later that night. He was in the middle of helping his friend move but when he was done with that, he had some time off before he had to get back home. He came over about ten minutes after I made it home from shopping, but I had enough time to brush my teeth, check my hair, and get dressed in something else.
And then we hung out on the couch talking. What else were we supposed to do on a Tuesday night at about 9:00 PM? Part of me was like, "am I boring him? What is he thinking? What does he want from me? What is he expecting?" I mean, reading this man is like being in a poker tournament. He kept asking me what I wanted to do, but all I could respond was, "I don't know. What do you want to do?" How annoying! But I didn't want to be like, "Okay. Let's make-out." Part of me was dying to make-out with him and the other part of me was like, "Wow! Back up. Go slow. Let him make the moves." But I think he was waiting for me to make the moves all night because absolutely NOTHING happened!
Well, nothing happened until I walked him out to his truck. Then, before he took off, I decided I'd kiss him. After all, it was our second time hanging out with each other. We kissed for about 5 minutes and it felt pretty good. I could have continued making out with him a lot longer, but he pulled back. I don't know if he pulled back because he didn't want to kiss anymore or if he pulled back because if the kissing continued he'd want more than just kissing. For my own sanity, I'm going with the second one. I'd like to think I'm an excellent kisser.
How well does he kiss? Let's put it this way... it's always awkward kissing somebody for the first time. You have to basically feel them out. At least, I do. I like to feel them out and see which way they prefer to kiss because I like to accomodate to their kissing style. Some guys like a lot of tongue, some don't like any. Some like to kiss with their mouths wide open, some like to kiss with their mouths shut. Then you have those who like to mix it all up together. As for Shawn? He likes to kiss with his mouth open; sometimes with tongue, sometimes without.
He was chewing on some gum when we started kissing. He actually paused for a moment to apologize for that, saying he was trying to keep the gum inside his mouth. I think my response was, "Oh, that's okay. I don't mind." I tend to sound quite airheaded when I get around him for some reason. When we're on the phone I don't sound so flighty. That makes me feel better because then I know he knows that I'm not just some girl who stands around and is like, "Oh, that's okay. Whatever you want is fine with me. Let's just make you happy!" all of the time.
He has all these other obligations... very serious obligations. Because of this, I know that I may never be #1 in his life. I don't know if I'm willing to accept a lower position in a man's life, but then something about him draws me to him. I guess I'll do what Av keeps telling me to do. I'll just keep going with the flow and have fun doing it. And wherever I end up, that's where I'll be.