I once had a life, or rather, life had me. I was one among many or at least I seemed to be....


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Lucky Number 14
Saturday, Jun. 02, 2007 6:13 PM

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." - Billy Crystal

Shawn came over on Thursday night so we could hang out. In the back of my mind I knew it would happen, but a part of me had hoped it wouldn't. I wanted to make-out with him. Nothing more. Nothing less. After all, this was just our third time meeting.

We were sitting on the couch in the living room talking when I gave him a look. He said to me, "what? What are you thinking?" And my response? I cupped his cheeks between my hands and laid one on him. What followed was an intense make-out session that would leave my mouth and the area around it raw and red.

In my mind I kept saying to myself, "I'm sober and I'm making out! And I like it!!!!!" And there we were touching each other intimately in that shy kind of way, the way two people touch each other when they want so much more from each other but aren't sure how to ask for it. My lips only left his long enough to run random kisses along his neck and behind his ear. He returned the pleasure. Everytime he did, I'd whimper and he'd ask, "Doing okay there?" And I'd giggle in response and go after his lips again.

There was one moment when he teased me and held his lips back. He had asked me a question, although I can't remember what it was. He said he'd give me one more kiss and then I'd have to answer. He kissed me three times before I finally could think of an answer to give.

Of course it all led to more. The moment was awkward as most first times are. And while I would love to romanticize the moment and make it sound like we naturally fit together, it didn't happen like that. Will it be our only and last time together? No. He whispered in my ear before he left me that the next time would be better.

I all ready knew that. After all, sex is like a relationship. It's an art to be perfected over time with the right partner. Is he the right partner? I don't know yet, but I'm actually willing to put myself on the line here and find out.


And then there was more....


I went out on Friday night. I hadn't planned on going out or doing anything but I received a phone call from a high school friend of mine. He had found me on My Space and we found out we only live about 4 miles from each other. He asked me to come over and drink some beer with him and some friends.

A part of me was reluctant. After all, I haven't seen him or his wife since high school. The other part of me was like, "go. Go out and do something fun! You need more friends, and you need to do more to maintain the friends you have... and if that involves drinking a few beers then so be it. It's just one night out of your life." So I went.

I made it over there. I wasn't scared or full of anxiety like I used to be in new strange situations. I drank a few beers, played a bit of pool, and ended up skinny dipping in their hot tub. Yes, I went skinny dipping in their hot tub.

It blows my mind away. Literally. Me? Skinny dipping in a hot tub with a few people I used to go to high school with? It doesn't sound like me. But when I went to the restroom and looked in the mirror, it was me all right.

And it was me who ended up with number 15 later that night. How did I end up in this situation? I mean, this is me we're talking about.

I had grown up in a very Catholic family with the mindset that I was saving myself for marriage. I would one day meet a man who would then become my husband and we'd have at least six children together. A lot of people to this day laugh it off when I mention this, but it's true. It isn't a laughing matter. It never was. It was an important thing to me because it was my belief.

I did not cuss, although I didn't mind other people cussing. I never drank, although I wasn't against others drinking. I followed the rules because I wanted to, because it felt right to do so.

I went through high school never having a sex partner until I was 17. I lost my virginity halfway through my junior year of high school to a boy I had been dating from out of town. In town, I was always the girl everybody was friends with, the girl that was like a sister to all the boys. I was the girl they always used as an excuse to get out of their house so they could go be with their significant other. Never in my wildest dreams did I think that they were ever attracted to me.

I went through a phase in high school after my best friend was killed in a car accident. I drank a lot, and along with that drinking came random sex... random sex with some of the boys who just saw me as a little sister. I always chalked up the sex to being drunk because I was always of the mindset that a man had to be drunk enough just to find me attractive enough to fuck. That's how you start to think about things when you've grown used to being the little sister instead of the chick that everybody wanted to be with.

When I went off to college I practically cut off all ties with the people from high school. They went off to live their own lives while I went off to find out what it was like to not be the little sister anymore. They started families and jobs. I started partying and living it up, dating men who meant nothing to me and would never come to mean anything to me. The thought in the back of my head never left. I would never shake the idea that the only reason men had sex with me was because they were drunk.

By the time I had graduated from high school, I had sex with a total of 6 boys. By the time I finished college, the number had risen to 11 - not including the men I just gave oral sex to. I don't count them because they never returned the favor. I'm not even sure if I should be counting them.

I went on a leave from sex and alcohol once I moved back home. As long as I didn't drink, I knew I wouldn't have sex. To me, sex required alcohol because if I didn't drink my mind would guilt trip me. Sex was something that I wanted but I couldn't have. And I couldn't have it because society told me it was wrong for a women to have multiple sex partners. My religion told me it was wrong for me to have multiple sex partners. Every thought in my sober head was screaming at me, "You little whore! You're a dirty little girl!" And after I had sex with those men I always had to go wash them off me. I always had to wash my hair and clean them out. I had to get rid of the scent of their sex. It was the only way to get rid of that dirty feeling.

And then I didn't have sex for years... I battled with my anxiety and depression until something finally worked. And something finally made me start to see the world through a different set of eyes.. to view the world with a completely different mindset. That something made me start to love myself for me and not for what I always thought others wanted in a person. And that something was what helped me meet #'s 12 and 13 - the first two men I'd have sober sex with who would set me free from my past.

And now? Now that my total has risen to 15, a part of me still battles with the term slut in my head. The other part of me struggles to enjoy the fact that I can enjoy myself sexually with men for the first time in my life.

My Space has changed my life. Or perhaps its the fact that I don't care anymore and I've put my picture up for the world to see. I don't know. It's opened me up to a world I never thought I would ever experience. Men actually contacting me trying to start a dating relationship with me. Men actually thinking that I'm good looking. Men from my past telling me they used to want to be with me in high school and not just sexually. It blows me away because my perception of how things were was so narrow and limited - and all because I couldn't just relax and enjoy the life I was given.

And now? I'm amazed I'm doing half the things I'm doing. They're probably average things to the normal person, but they're a big step for me. I just hope that the old guilt doesn't return because I want to continue enjoying these moments.

#15 was a fluke because of the alcohol. #14 happened to early in a promising relationship, but there's nothing I can do about it now. Will there be a #16? I don't know. I'm not ready to jump back into the drinking scene with my old high school friends. And I'm not going to start having sex at the drop of a hat with just anybody, either. It's not me. This isn't my style. I'm not big on having sex with people just to have sex. And I'm definitely not proud of the fact that I've had that many partners. It's a lot to some. It's hardly any to others. To me, it's more than enough and that's all that matters.

Where do I want to go from here? I want to meet the man that I'm meant to be with. Is it Shawn? I don't know. I'm working on figuring that one out, although the progress is slow. And as for all the others? I'd like to see where my life with them goes, too.. if only to leave myself open for the opportunity, the possibility that they could be the one.

In 19 Seconds

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You can steer yourself any direction you choose.
You're on your own. And you know what you know.
And YOU are the one who'll decide where to go...

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