A Late Bloomer
Saturday, Jul. 21, 2007 2:42 PM
You took my hand. you showed me how.
You promised me you'd be around.
Uh-huh. That's right.
I took your words and I believed
in everything you said to me.
Yeah huh. That's right.
If someone said three years from now you'd be long gone,
I'd stand up and punch them out 'cause they're all wrong.
I know better
'cause you said forever
and ever.
Who knew?
- Pink
I woke up this morning feeling a bit fantastic. My energy level has skyrocketed to the point where I'm having trouble sitting still these days. It's a good thing I've had a lot to keep me busy.
While my sister and her family are on vacation, I've been tending their yard. It's put me in the mood to tend my yard just a little bit more. It's felt good, being out underneath the sun. Then again, I've always loved the way the sun feels beating down against my skin. For some reason, it makes me feel more complete as a person. I can't explain it exactly... but it feels like it brings me to life.
On Thursday I went grocery shopping and I bought nothing but organic food. As I was standing over my sink cutting the tops off the strawberries I bought, I felt a strange sense of domestic bliss. I looked out my kitchen window and thought to myself, "is this what it feels like to be a part of some home?" I suddenly had a strong urge to take care of somebody. That's when I knew what I've been somewhat denying for some time now. My biological clock really is ticking.
I'm attracted to older men. I always have been, and I think I always will be. The only thing is, most of the men I know who are older have had vasectomies, or they don't want anymore children. I want at least two. I'd like to have them when I'm 34 and 36. I'm not mapping out my life anymore. I'm not saying that I have to have children when I hit those ages. I'm just hoping for a future that has children in it. It's a goal I'd like to achieve someday. I think I'd make an excellent mother, and it's definitely something I want to be. It's right above my "backpack or travel across Europe" goal.
On My Space, I'm meeting a lot of men who are younger than me. And while I've ruled out the 23 and 24 year old, there's a 26 and 27 year old I'm finding quite interesting. It seems I have a lot in common with both of them. A part of me is hesitant to meet them after my experiences with Shawn, but then I don't want to lose out by not taking a chance on them, either. I need to get over this fear and be a risk taker. They may just be exactly what I'm looking for in a friend, if not a lover.
Sometimes I wish I could be more outgoing and not as shy as I am. A lot of people don't believe me when I tell them that I'm shy. What they fail to realize is that I'm an extroverted introvert. I want and desire to be outgoing but it's hard to do unless I'm in a comfortable position. I'm better than I used to be. Oh, who am I kidding? I'm a million times better than I used to be and I love that! I just hope, with time, I get even better.
I want to do a lot more stuff outside. I want to buy a bicycle and go on bike rides. I want to go to a lake, a river, or a park and just hang out and enjoy time outside. I want to go swimming. I want to visit the zoo often. I want to go backpacking. I want to go hiking. I want to go white water rafting in Colorado. I want to take road trips. It's inside of me and it's screaming to get out. I'm sick and tired of holing myself up away from the world and living this somewhat non-existant life. I'm tired of my life revolving around work and the inside of my house. And I guess, what I really want is someone to do all these things with. And I actually pray to God that someone comes into my life who can fill this need of mine.
But the way I figure it, I'm a late bloomer. I always have been. All the stuff people are experiencing long before I get to experience it is because of this fact. And I have nothing to be ashamed of. Some people take longer than others to come into their own. I'm working on coming into my own. One day I know I will get there. I will get there and I'll be exactly where I'm meant to be.
