The Return of Will
Tuesday, Aug. 07, 2007 12:26 AM

"I hurt myself today to see if I still feel. I focus on the pain, the only thing that's real. The needle tears a hole, the old familiar sting. Try to kill it all away but I remember everything." - NIN

I was at work late tonight and ran into Frank the cleaning guy. It turns out his son was in a car accident ten days ago and has been in a coma ever since. That is the second person this summer that I know about ending up in a coma. I just don't get what is going on in the universe right now. I don't think I will ever understand what's completely going on. I told Frank the only thing I could think of to say, "I'll be praying for him."

The thing is, I don't pray. Ever. And I've promised Davy I'd pray for Dave. So now I need to find my way back to one of the Catholic churches here and figure out how to pray again. I need to pray inside a church. When I try to pray outside of one, it doesn't seem to do any good. I guess I could pray the rosary instead of trying to talk to God. I don't know. I'm trying to figure out how to regain my spirituality. There's too much stuff going on in the world that I can't make sense of right now, and I need to find a balance.

I thought about becoming a Buddhist. I've read up on the Buddhist religion. It's not going to work for me. I can't give up my material possessions. I agree with it when it comes to desire and suffering. The world is full of suffering. Suffering is caused by desire. There can be an end to suffering by giving up all desire. And to do that is to follow the 8 path fold. But in this lifetime, I shall suffer because I desire. I desire to have a child someday, and as long as I hold onto that desire, I guess I'm going to suffer.

On to other news....

I went to Wendy's tonight to get a salad. The person who took my money? Will. Yes, Will the Wendy's Guy is back at Wendy's, and he's given up all hope in me. At least, that's what he's told me. It's okay. He's not the only one.

I'm giving up hope in myself, lately.

I honestly don't think I'll ever get over what happened to me in the past. Men try to have sex with me and I feel repulsed. Other times, it's all I want. And I know that if I continue to pull them close and then push them away, it's only going to harm me in the end. It's going to hurt. Who am I kidding? It all ready does.

"What have I become, my sweetest friend? Everyone I know goes away in the end." That's exactly how I feel right now.

I feel betrayed by people I considered close friends. On top of that, I feel doubly betrayed by the ex boyfriends I was intimate with who have recently exposed what lying bastards they are. They wanted me back, I wouldn't take them back. I tried to be at least a friend, but they've destroyed any chance of that by lying about our past to others. Now I want them out of my life 100%. All of them. I just want them to stay the hell away from me.

And while I'm trying so freaking hard to be tough in order to get me through this, it's weighing me down negatively in many ways. In fact, sometimes I'll find myself in the shower staring at my razor blade. I'll imagine myself running the blade across my wrists. The image in my mind is so strong I see the blood swirling down the drain along with the water.

And then I hear my kitty's meows outside the bathroom door and I am forced back into reality. I get out of the shower and scoop up Comet and whisper against her furr, "don't worry. As long as you need me, I'll be here." They're the two holding me together, Haley and Comet. Without them, who knows what I'm capable of doing to myself?