I don't know!
Sunday, Oct. 14, 2007 6:36 PM

"Love doesn't make the world go round. Love is what makes the ride worthwhile." - Franklin P. Jones

I can't help it. I know he is at least 75% wrong for me, but then I meet up with him and I see his eyes. He has these beautiful blue eyes! Just absolutely beautiful. And when I kiss him, even if it's just a peck on the lips, I can feel my lips tingling for hours afterwards.

I'm trying very hard not to get caught up in all of this just in case I end up falling and falling hard only to be let down big time. I'm trying to be realistic and rational. It's just really hard to do when I'm staring at his shoulder blades and his upper forearms... and I get this huge desire in me to press my lips to his skin directly over his tattoo.

If it were up to me, I would kiss every inch of his body. I would make out with him for hours. But right now it's not up to me. This thing we have going on is fragile right now. I'm not sure if it will end positively or negatively at this moment. There isn't any clarification what we are to each other so I have to take it as us being friends... just friends. I know we're not together. We're just having fun together... so how do I approach this?

Do I just go with the flow and not think about it? I really don't know. I really don't. I mean, maybe I should be dating other men, too. For some reason, I just don't want too.

On top of that, my mind keeps telling me I'm pregnant. And then I'll argue with myself a little bit and be like, "No. You're not pregnant. Quit being silly." I won't know for certain for at least two more weeks, and I know that when my body finally tells me that I'm not, I'm not sure if I'll be disappointed or relieved. Part of me wonders if I'm trying to convince myself I am because I want it so bad sometimes, or if I keep having these random thoughts because maybe I am and my body knows it deep down. It's a conundrum. A big one.

The whole thing is! I should be dating the other men interested in me also. I shouldn't be letting go of possible relationships with some good men just because of R.J.. After all, he's a single 24 year old with a lot of baggage. Maybe I'm just waiting to make sure I'm not pregnant with his child. I don't know!

Maybe when I get back from Vegas on the 28th (I'll be going on the 25th and staying at the MGM hotel), I'll look up these men who have asked me out and finalize a date with them. By then I should know if I'm pregnant or not. I'm pretty certain I'm not. I can't be. I have difficulty getting pregnant, to begin with! So why is it this time it's so different? Why is it this time I'm like, "damn. I'm pregnant," when I know I can't be!

God. What in the world is going on with me? My body and my mind.