My Love Life
Thursday, Oct. 18, 2007 3:41 PM

�Don't cry for a man who's left you, the next one may fall for your smile.�

- Mae West

I'm not pregnant! And while part of me is relieved, another part of me is sad. Then again, do I really want to be a single mother? Not really. If it was meant to be, it would have happened. It's not meant to be since it didn't.

September and October have been very strange months for me. I can't explain it. I love attention. I will admit that. I'm just not used to so much attention offline. Lately, I've been getting a lot of attention offline. It's a nice feeling, but it's also a bit overwhelming. It's like, "What is the difference between me last year versus me this year?" Maybe it's because I actually put my picture up on the internet this year. I don't know. All I know is that all of a sudden, especially within the last couple of months, a buttload of single males in the Wichita area have been hounding me for a date.

Okay. So I will always think of my trip to Boston as a changing experience, especially since that seems to be when my life turned around here. There was CM in all of his crown and glory, a wonderful man with so much to offer a woman... but the idea of being in a relationship with someone long distance scared me. And so I played it off all wrong and the whole situation ended poorly. Then there was the whole experience with Av, which I'm sure didn't help matters with CM at all. And Av and I will always be friends. For life. It was just not meant to be and meant to be.

I tried to date Shawn. Then he smacked my cat Haley. I looked at his profile the other day and was actually able to say, "Hmmm. Nope. Don't really want that anymore." I don't even know why I shed a tear over that one. He was completely wrong for me.

And then R.J.. He's another one completely wrong for me, but I can't help but have this affection for him. It's like I want to take care of him and make sure he's okay. I haven't really figured that one out, yet. Because I don't see this relationship going anywhere anytime soon, I've been putting myself out there with the other men who have been vying for my attention during the whole Shawn and R.J. fiasco.

This is what I've learned this year so far: 1. Lower my expectations. This way they can't upset me when they fail to uphold them. 2. Go for it. Have fun. Nothing is set in stone so it's not like I'm trapping myself in a bad situation. IF I don't like them, move on to the next one.

So that's what I've been doing. There are plenty of men who want to meet me, but part of me is hesitant to do just that. I don't know if this is my shyness coming out or a fear I need to face and deal with. After all, I had a wacked out dream this year telling me that I needed to face my fears. Then I had another wacked out dream that told me, "All you need is love." So I need to just.. figure those two messages out and go from there.

I had Tim over last night. We had some pleasant conversation and then he kissed me a bit. Haley and Comet seemed to really like him. I have a theory that if my cats don't like someone, then maybe that someone isn't worth being with. Now Tim wants to get together tonight or this weekend. I'm like, Hmmmm.. I don't know. I mean, I'm going playing pool tonight with Jesse, and I have Clinton wanting to take me out for dinner.. I'm in a bind!

Then there's the 20 year old named Willie. Ha ha.. Oh my god. I won't even go there. And John. And Kenton. And Demanuel. And Brett. And Cale. And Mitchell. And Mark. And Casey. And Frederick. And god knows who else right now. I'd love to be able to go out with all of them at least once, but some of them scare me! Well, most of them don't... but like Demanuel? Holy shit man. Slow the fuck down. He hasn't even met me and he's been sending me message after message, "I think you're so hot." "Hey beautiful brunette!" "Oh, I want to meet up with my beautiful sweetie." Wouldn't that freak you out? Just a bit? And then there's one other one.. what is his name? Jeff! He's been doing just about the same. Both of these men are in their late 30s, early 40s.

I've all ready decided I am totally sticking to men 35 and younger, but no younger than 23. Yeah.. 23. I know. Shame on me.

Well, that's what I've been dealing with for the last two months. And tomorrow is my 30th birthday, so here's to hoping that 30 is better than 29! Maybe I'll figure some more things out about myself, and find my way towards settling down with someone.

That would be real nice. Yes.. that would be very very nice.