I once had a life, or rather, life had me. I was one among many or at least I seemed to be....


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update 3000
Thursday, Apr. 24, 2008 12:12 PM

�To dream anything that you want to dream. That's the beauty of the human mind. To do anything that you want to do. That is the strength of the human will. To trust yourself to test your limits. That is the courage to succeed.� - Bernard Edmonds

I had the worst dream in the world last night. I dreamt my mother had died. My sister Angie and I were running around a house crying and getting things ready for her funeral. I remember I kept asking myself, "Why did you have to die? You're not supposed to die!" It was a hellish experience knowing my mind could fear such thoughts. When I woke up, I had to call my mom right away and tell her that I love her.

I wonder if I had the dream because I spent last night over at my grandparents' house. My grandpa, who suffers from alzheimers, kept telling me the same things over and over again for about two hours straight. He kept saying, "I had four sisters and four brothers. There's only two of us left, my younger brother and me. I had a twin brother, but he died. That hurt a lot. I'll never get over that."

This didn't bother me at all. I'm used to him repeating things. It's just that... well... lately, he knows I live around the corner from him but he has no idea who I am and that I'm related to him. He kept asking me if I had any brothers and sisters and if they lived near me. Then he'd ask me who my mother is (his daughter), and if I was close to my parents. It's sad. Really sad. He's as happy as a lark but for those of us he left behind mentally... it's just sad.

The worst part was when we were looking at photos on their refridgerator door. He'd point to a picture of my grandma and say, "That's my mother." My grandma would say, "No, that's not your mother. That's me." And he'd look at the picture and he'd say, "That's not my mother?" And grandma would say, "No. It's not your mother." And then he'd make the comment again.

I wish my grandma didn't have social anxiety the way she does. I'd love for them to move into an assisted living center where he could get some mental stimulation and she could get a break from taking care of him 24/7. It won't ever happen, though. My greatest fear is that she'll pass on before he does, and he won't know what to do. He won't know how to call us or anything. I suppose the best I can do is stop in and check up on them as much as I can. Or at least call them once a day.

Well, on to a much lighter topic at hand. RJ and I have decided to be friends. This is good, I think. I don't mind being friends with him. I just don't want to be more than friends with him. I want a man who is more respectful of my needs. Besides, he's dating some 19 year old pregnant girl who plans on naming her child Talon. Poor kid. He never had a chance, did he?

I went to my niece's and nephew's soccer games last Saturday. I just wanted to get out of the house since it's so beautiful outside right now. Stupid me forgot the sunscreen. I'm now burned to a crisp and currently peeling. I bought aloe vera which said it would stop the peeling, but the bottle lies. The peeling is there and it's there to stay. The worst spot is my right shoulder where my scar is. I guess I burned the hell out of my scar. People who look at my sunburn keep gasping at my scar thinking it's a blister. Well, woohoo. It's not.

I had a massage this morning for therapy. I'm going once a month now and it feels great! She concentrated for half an hour on my legs and calves to get things moving in my body. When she got to my left side, the injured side, I could feel the pain. I have a very high pain tolerance, thankfully.. and she isn't gentle with me at all, which is nice. But this was pain! I mean, it felt like somebody was sticking long sharp needles into my body and dragging them up the leg. Even when she was pressing on the soles of my left foot, I could feel that needle pain. She told me I have scar tissue all along my left foot, and up through the ankle. She even told me she knew how my foot twisted when I fell. I was amazed that she was right!

I love it when she works on my back. She seems to know exactly which spots to hit, and I can feel the pain in my ribs as she works the kinks out of it. I can't wait for the day when all the pain in my body is gone. I can't believe it's taken me 9 years to get my injuries fixed, but all the regular doctors just kept giving me pain pills and telling me that it would heal on it's own. Well, it didn't. But I think these therapy massages are really going to help. I am motivated!

I guess that's it for now. I need to write more often and more meaningful entries, ones that don't end with, "I guess that's it for now." Perhaps next time? In the meantime, I'll be improving on my guitar hero skills (Yes, I bought a wii and got guitar hero III)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm only on easy but I'm working my way up to medium. I'm okay at easy. I'm up to 60k points per song. Just imagine if I practiced more, how good I'd be.

But anyways..... I guess that's it for now.

In 19 Seconds

Last Five Entries:

Life Update - Tuesday, May. 21, 2019
I had an epiphany! - Wednesday, Jan. 16, 2019
2019 Resolutions - Wednesday, Jan. 09, 2019
To New Beginnings - Tuesday, Jan. 08, 2019
My Christmas Weekend 2018 - Wednesday, Dec. 26, 2018


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You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself any direction you choose.
You're on your own. And you know what you know.
And YOU are the one who'll decide where to go...

- Dr. Seuss