A Random Ramble
Thursday, Apr. 24, 2008 11:57 PM
"The greater danger for most of us is not that our aim is too high and we miss it, but that it is too low and we reach it." - Michelangelo
The tops off the jeep, but the doors aren't yet. The weather was so nice this evening that I had to climb behind the wheel and take it for a ride. My first ride without the top on this spring, and I had an epiphany.
Maybe it was the familiar scent of spring, the flowers blooming, or the exciting thrill I get when it's just me, a flat road in front of me, and no destination in mind, but I couldn't help but fall prey to the random thoughts flowing through my brain. My destination is never certain, but that's what makes the ride more worthwhile. It awakens my senses to the things all around me, sights I've never seen before, places I've never been and will probably never see again. If I just breathe in, I can smell freshly cut grass mixed with a bit of exhaust fumes, random growing flowers, and a hint of some fast food restaurant. Ah, humanity. Where would the world be without you?
I love listening to O.A.R. blaring from the Jeep's stereo. The words float all around me, the music enlightens me. There's nothing better than the feeling of escaping. Often, I find myself imagining that I'm running just as fast as I can to the middle of nowhere. Yes, I stole that line from Pink, but it's exactly how I feel and exactly what I crave. What would it feel like to pick up my feet, run in some random direction and just keep running without ever looking back? Would I miss this town I was born and raised in? Would it still bind me to it never letting me go? Would I have the strength to cut those invisible strings and just drift into some major city and set up a new place for myself? I often feel trapped here, fading away into the background.
I thought turning 30 would be the most difficult thing for me to face. I dreaded it so much that I was depressed for months beforehand. My parents tried to cheer me up with a weekend get away to the plaza in Kansas City. My sister and brother-in-law tried to help with a 4 day vacation to Las Vegas the week after. Both were excellent experiences and most definitely good times. Now, months later, I ask myself what I was so afraid of. I love being 30. It's been the best age so far. I may not have a boyfriend, a husband or some kids.... but what I have is more than that. I have peace of mind. I have contentment. My confidence in myself and my abilities has grown. Life is good. And while it may be short, it doesn't matter. I have got to live it, and I have to live it now. And I find it so much easier to live and experience everything I want to possibly experience without children tying me down. I want to have them someday, but today is not that day.
I want to travel. I want to run off to Canada and Europe and Australia and Thailand. I want to backpack, go hiking and camping up into the mountains, feel a raging river underneath me as I go white water rafting... fall backwards from a bridge with just a chord to catch me. I want to fly up in a plane and dive into the sky. I want to make love in the carribean near a waterfall, dive from a cliff into a clear lagoon, and swim with the dolphins. I want to feed a gorilla from the palm of my hand, help build something useful in a 3rd world country, and find some way to enrich millions of lives.
My problem is... I keep coming up with excuses as to why I can't accomplish these things right now. I don't have a passport. Why not? Because I'm sunburnt and don't want to look terrible in a photo I'm going to look terrible in anyway. I don't want to travel alone. If only I had somebody to travel with... well, you know, the universe keeps throwing people into my life to get close to and I keep coming up with excuses to push them away. What in the world am I afraid of? Losing control? I don't have enough money. Well, you know what? I do. Deep down I'm just cheap and I can't stand the idea of putting a dent in my account. What would I do with the kitties? I can't leave them for months at a time. I'd miss them terribly. I wouldn't see my nieces and nephew grow up. EXCUSES. EXCUSES. EXCUSES.
I need to pay attention to Nike and their slogan. Just do it. Just go for it. What's holding me back but my own reservations? Would I rather die young doing something I love, or grow old and die with a bunch of regrets?
