JR
Friday, Mar. 06, 2009 10:05 AM

"But now I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth." - Umberto Eco

It has only been nine months since Kent and JR have moved in with me. It has only been nine months since I suddenly became a parent, albeit a future step-parent, to a ten year old child. And even after nine months of parenting this child to the best of my knowledge, there are times when I want to scream.

Is it normal to feel angst towards your future step-child? It's not a jealous feeling. It has nothing to do with complete and total hate. It's a frustration towards his behavior. And I can't help but wonder in the back of my mind if I'll feel this way towards my own children, or if its just him since I didn't give birth to him. I'm not the type of person to play favorites, but I do fear that I will favor my birth children over him. I fear its because my birth children will have that bond with me, something that I can't (nor think I ever will) have with JR.

There are moments when he's the sweetest boy in the world. He's very helpful around the house, does what he's told, and shows a compassionate heart towards people that many children don't show. Sometimes he has a lot of empathy for people, an empathy that is developed for his age.

And then there's the other side to him... the disrespectful spiteful side. It's like flipping a coin. One day he's heads; the next day he's tails. This side used to come out more often than it does now, but its still showing up often. He's cruel with words. He has a complex with adults where he tries to be the adult figure and boss them around. He uses a tone and language with them that's beyond disrespectful. He has no empathy towards people in the things that he says when he's in this frame of mind. His teacher has talked to me about it as his parent/teacher conferences, but no matter what is said... no matter what is done to try and change his behavior, its almost like he gets a kick out of being mean.

Sometimes Kent says he's just joking. Maybe half the time he is, but I honestly think he's being serious the other half of the time. You don't just say certain things to people with menace in your voice for nothing. He knows how to change his voice to make it sound like a joke... but its like he pretends he's joking when he really means it just so he won't get into trouble.

I don't know what to do. I don't know how to be the perfect mother to this child. Is it my place to constantly hound him on his grammar? Is it my place to put my foot down and teach him how to be respectful? I think so, but I can't do it alone. Kent wants JR to feel safe saying whatever he wants to say - whether it be just a random thought or something to do with sex. He wants all our children to be that way. I don't want my children to be afraid to speak their minds, either, but I also don't want my children to say things they shouldn't be saying in certain situations. There's a time and a place to speak such thoughts aloud, but there's also a time and a place to keep those thoughts to yourself. That's my opinion, anyway.

I don't believe in saying things that hurt other people. I don't believe in making fun of their looks or their weight. I don't believe in putting down their religion or cultural beliefs. I have no problems speaking my opinions on such things, but I also believe there's a respect that must be shown to people who are different. He has yet to learn this respect. And I'm not exactly certain how to teach him to be respectful in that way.

Well, it comes down to just that.... respect. I just wish kids came with manuals that you could read when you're having a hard time dealing with them. Because right now.... I could really use the help.