I once had a life, or rather, life had me. I was one among many or at least I seemed to be....


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Am I or am I not?
Monday, Jun. 15, 2009 3:09 PM

"We come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly... Only after we have lost everything, are we free to do anything... Throw things out there and not be perfect and not have answers to anything and see if people understand." - Angelina Jolie

I am officially a married woman now. The wedding was absolutely beautiful. We held it in my parent's backyard. I can't even begin to explain how beautiful their backyard is. My dress had "apple" red sequences sewn into it, the bridesmaids were all wearing apple red dresses, holding roses with various reds and oranges within it, and we stood in front of a bunch of blooming rose bushes.

On top of that, the reception was held inside the church gymnasium, but the place had been transformed into one of the most beautiful places I have ever seen. I couldn't have asked for a more pleasant wedding. It was a dream come true to me. For days I couldn't help but think of everything that had taken place. I'm still overjoyed remembering it all.

We went on our honeymoon the next day. We decided to go on a road trip, which seems to surprise a lot of people for some reason. I guess they expected us to pick one destination and stay there the entire week. Perhaps we would have, but we wanted to see a lot of places at once. Basically, we drove down through Arkansas, into Louisiana, over into Mississippi, across the border into Alabama, over into Florida, up into Georgia, further up into South Carolina and North Carolina, then back west through Tennessee and Missouri.

I'd share the tidbits with you, but for some reason I want to keep them to myself. I will say this: we waded through rivers, saw swamp lands, noticed the affects of Hurricane Katrina on the coast of Mississippi, visited Amelia's Island in Florida so we could touch the Atlantic Ocean, stayed two nights in Savannah, Georgia where we went on a ghost tour and a horse drawn carriage ride, visited a plantation home, and experienced a bit of Myrtle Beach. Our favorite state was North Carolina, and our favorite city Savannah, Georgia. We didn't care much for South Carolina. We found the people rude for the most part. In the end, however, it was an experience and I loved every minute of it.

And then we returned home.......

And I was suddenly faced with the fact that I have to put this child's life before my own now, a child that I'm not even sure I like yet. There are times when I like him, and times when I don't. There are times when I actually feel love for him, but most of the time he just frustrates and aggravates me.

Here is why he did the week we returned:

He's 11 years old, and he was acting like a 4 year old baby. He'd talk like a kid in preschool, and he'd act like one too. He was just an inch short of saying things like "goo-goo, ga-ga." He kept telling his dad that my family hates him. He told his grandparents (with whom he was staying with during the duration of our honeymoon) that we preferred it without him around. He was paranoid the entire time we were gone on our honeymoon, even though his dad called him every single day.

Maybe I don't understand where he's coming from because my parents have been happily married for 40 years, but I don't feel sorry for this kid and I have no sympathy for his situation. Does that make me a cold person? I really hate the idea of me resenting this child just because he has issues, but in my mind the issues are invalid. He shouldn't be treated special just because his mother was selfish and stopped being in his life for awhile. This only perpetuates the belief that he is different, when he's really not that different from many.

We pay enough attention to him, even though his actions are that of a child seeking attention. If we payed him even more attention, we'd be paying him too much attention; neither of which is healthy. He lies quite a bit. Half the time you don't know if his stories are true or if they're pure bullshit. Most of the time they are pure bullshit, but if you call him out on that, he gets defensive and turns ugly. I've learned to just nod my head and let him lie.

My cat Comet hisses at him all the time. This makes me believe that he's done something to her. She's never hissed at a single person in her life, especially a child, before. Now she's hissing at every child that walks through the door. I caught him the other day almost smacking her because she hissed at him. She came running to me for protection, and when he saw me he stopped, hesitated, then yelled at Comet, "Stop hissing at me. I hate it when you hiss at me, you little piece of crap!" I picked up Comet, yelled at JR to leave the room, and then comforted my little kitty. When I brought this to his dad's attention, his dad was defensive. He later confessed that JR has the tendency to snap and therefore he's not sure which side of the story to believe. I told him an ultimatum, which I strongly believe.... "If your son ever hits or, dare I say it, kills my cat, I want him gone." Which in essence would mean that Kent's gone, too, because he'd leave with his child. When we got into it over this, I told him, "I'm sorry, but I can't live under the same roof with someone who is cruel in any way to a defenseless animal or human being." He said that I was choosing my cats over human beings, and I told him, "I'm attached my cats. I love them like family. But in the end, it's more the deed and the action." I mean, come on. How can anybody live under the same roof with someone so cruel? If he's showing signs of being mean to animals, then whose to say it won't reflect on a human being in the future? I think the way a person treats an animal shows highly how well they treat other living creatures, even humans. So yes, I gave him the great ultimatum. He told JR to leave the cats alone or they're out of the house and out of it for good. So far he's left them alone, but it's only been a week.

He's also grounded right now. We grounded him for a month from the computer because he saved a file at school under "fuck you." He also asked a girl if she wanted to "get silly" with him. The school has a zero tolerance policy. If this had happened at the beginning of the year, he would have been expelled. No, not suspended, but expelled. We can't afford private school, and there's a waiting list for all the catholic schools in the area, so I made sure he knew that if he ever did get expelled from school, the only option is military school because he's not being home schooled. His dad and I also told him that this is on his permanent record, so they're not going to treat him as lightly next time. We asked him why he did what he did, and he couldn't answer us honestly. He could only say, "I don't know."

And just today he got back from spending the weekend with his mother, and he looks a mess. His hair is dirty, his face is dirty, his clothes are dirty.... He needs a haircut bad. And now I have to go back to being step-mom, a job I dislike because I feel like the wicked witch of the west.

At least when I have my own kids, I'll know if that's just the type of mom I'm going to be, or maybe I'll learn that I'm just the bad guy because this kid needs discipline and suddenly it's my destiny in life to give him that, no matter how harsh I have to be.

Which brings me to another note... I think I'm pregnant. I find out in two days. If I am, I'm only 3 weeks along, but I missed my last period, and I can't stop eating. I'm eating more than I ever have and I'm not gaining a pound. And every now and then I'll feel sick to my stomach. Things that never make me sick suddenly do. And as much as I hate to admit this, I'm also a bit gassy. I wonder if this normal or not. I mean, do most pregnant women feel these symptoms only 3 weeks into the pregnancy or is my body just adjusting to some strange hormone transition that I'm not aware of yet?

I have NO clue. God, I wish my mom was home right now. I really need her.

In 19 Seconds

Last Five Entries:

Life Update - Tuesday, May. 21, 2019
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To New Beginnings - Tuesday, Jan. 08, 2019
My Christmas Weekend 2018 - Wednesday, Dec. 26, 2018


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You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself any direction you choose.
You're on your own. And you know what you know.
And YOU are the one who'll decide where to go...

- Dr. Seuss