"Hey, how's it going?"
Thursday, Oct. 06, 2011 1:38 PM

Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word happy would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness. It is far better take things as they come along with patience and equanimity. ~ Carl Jung

So, I love my new job. The atmosphere here is great. It's way more laid back than the place I spent 10 years at. Yes, I spent 10 years in a nasty environment. I didn't realize how bad it was until I left. I guess that's pretty normal. Until you're out of a place long enough, you can't take time to look back and see what it was really like from a more open perspective.

You know what I've realized about people since my husband became sick? Your friends fade away. And I don't know if they fade away because they can't handle being around someone who is sick, or if we pulled away because our life seems to revolve completely around his illness. All I know is that when people ask me all the time, "how is Kent?" I know they don't want to know the true answer. They don't want to hear about him throwing up all night, or sweating so much because his body is racked in pain. They don't want to hear about his hair falling out or the sores in his mouth. They want only one answer. "He's doing okay." Which is my way of saying, "He's still alive and we're getting through this."

The only other thing that bothers me is that nobody ever asks me how I'm doing. I know this sounds extremely selfish of me, but I blame the fact that I'm human on this. If someone did ask me how I was, I don't know what I'd answer. I'd probably give them the same answer I give them when they ask how Kent is doing.

I keep the answer simple on purpose. I mean, people are programmed to ask you "Hey, how's it going?" or "How are you?" or "What's up?" But once that sentence is out of their mouth, most of them have already moved on to something else not even waiting for the most common reply, "I'm good. How are you?" And if they do wait for an answer, they usually respond in kind, "Good. Good. Can't complain."

A few times I have fully responded to the question. It took the asker by surprise, though, and made them uncomfortable. So then I got into the habit of asking, "Do you really want to know?" But then I realized that made me a complete ass because then they felt obligated to care.. so now I'm back to the normal response. "I'm good. How are you?"

If I asked someone how they were doing and they actually told me the truth, I would listen. I'd stop and I'd pay attention to them, and I'd make them feel important even if it's just for a small moment in time. People need that. They need to know that somebody cares enough to listen.

Granted, the stuff I've been talking about isn't always pleasant to hear, and for people who are healthy and living life, it can be hard to deal with someone else's problems. I completely understand that. I get it. It's hard, and most people don't want difficult.

So if you asked me right now how I am, and I wanted to give you a complete honest answer, this is what I'd say:

Some days I feel like running out into the middle of an open field and screaming my head off. Some days I want to find a rabbit hole and hide away for a long time. Some days I want to climb behind the wheel of my car and start driving without ever looking back. Some days... I'm just barely making it by.

I want to cry a lot. I think I would cry a lot if I wasn't on two anti-depressants. If it wasn't for them, I probably wouldn't be coping as well as I am. But I have to be strong right now. I can't let myself break down. If I break down right now, I don't think the tears would stop. Ever. It's an accumulation of everything. All the stress and lack of relaxation and constantly having to be the responsible one for everything.

I need a vacation. I need to run away from my world for awhile. Somewhere without a telephone or a computer. If I could, I'd travel to Boston or someplace big like that where I could get lost among all the people there. If only for a day. Just one day. I wouldn't mind one day at my house all to myself. Sometimes I wish Kent would go to his parents house for the day and leave me home alone to do whatever I felt like doing. I'd watch TV, take a long hot shower, read a book, play on the computer, love on my cats.... Just a couple of hours in one day. That's all I ask for. Pure solitude. I know I could do these things with him at home, but it's not the same. There isn't the quietness of being all alone in one place...

And my social life? My social life sucks. I don't have one. And not that I'm the most social person in the world, but I wouldn't mind going out for a drink (which I can't do since I gave up drinking for Kent who is an alcoholic). I just need a chance to escape for awhile. Is that too much to ask for?

That's what I'd say. But I think I'll stick to the "I'm good. Need a vacation, but I'm good." It's not like most people could handle my real emotions anyway.