I once had a life, or rather, life had me. I was one among many or at least I seemed to be....


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The Great Cosmos
Thursday, Nov. 03, 2011 4:39 PM

"During chemo, you're more tired than you've ever been. It's like a cloud passing over the sun, and suddenly you're out. But you also find that you're stronger than you've ever been. You're clear. Your mortality is at optimal distance, not up so close that it obscures everything else, but close enough to give you depth perception. Previously, it has taken you weeks, months, or years to discover the meaning of an experience. Now it's instantaneous." - Melissa Bank

I have officially decided the great cosmos hates me, but someone up there is looking out for me. So many things keep happening that should kill me off, but something intervenes and I'm kept alive. My only question is, "what for?"

Don't get me wrong. I'm not suicidal and I don't have a problem with living or with life. Sure, maybe I feel like I'm just going through the motions everyday. Maybe I can't figure out what the point is to this existence, or why it seems so important that I live day to day as if I'm stuck in neutral, but I'm okay with that. I think.

A long time ago I used to dream about experiencing everything life had to offer. I wanted to go white water rafting, fall off a bridge connected to a bunjee cord, sky dive, travel to exotic lands and meet exotic people, and try everything at least once. Now, I'm just hoping to one day be able to walk the grocery store aisles without being in severe pain.

I'm so afraid that my life is going to pass me by while I am stuck in this body, that no doctor is going to figure out what is wrong with me, and that I'll never get to live my life to its fullest potential.

Now I know what my husband feels like everyday. The only difference is, he's in more pain than I am and he's ready to die. I've had to come to the acceptance that chemotherapy is most likely not going to cure him, but just prolong the inevitable. But is the inevitable a terrible thing for him? It's a condundrum. I want him around because I love him, but he's not really existing right now.

He spends all of his time in and out of the hospital, completely drugged up so he's not all the way there. And I spend my days hoping that maybe what he's going through is going to end, that one day we'll have a "normal" life and be able to do the things that everybody else is doing... yet, deep down there's always that constant fear that it's never going to end. That it's only going to get worse instead of better... so we're just sitting around waiting while life is passing us by.

And I want to go live my life. I really do. But what kind of person does that make me if I go off to experience these things while the man that I love is stuck in the hospital and the only thing he looks forward to everyday is seeing me walk through the door to be at his side?

Then there are the days when I daydream about what life would be like if I wasn't married to him, if... just by chance... he did pass away and his pain was ended. How free that would make me! But damn me for thinking such thoughts. How dare I imagine such things. What kind of person am I to even contemplate a life without him? How can I even think that happiness lies within reach but only at such a great cost? And if it did happen? My god, I would feel so guilty for wishing such things and thinking such things that I probably wouldn't even experience happiness in the end anyway.

And then I imagine life without him and I start to cry because grief is a funny thing. It clenches you from the inside and squeezes until you can't hold it inside any longer. Then it bursts like a dam and the water starts flowing, drowning you beneath the surface until the plug is pulled and the water drains away.

No wonder the cosmos is out to get me.

In 19 Seconds

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You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself any direction you choose.
You're on your own. And you know what you know.
And YOU are the one who'll decide where to go...

- Dr. Seuss