'Cause you gotta have faith
Monday, Nov. 14, 2011 4:57 PM

�When you have come to the edge of all light that you know and are about to drop off into the darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing one of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly� - Patrick Overton

Friday was an eventful day for me. I woke up to my husband telling me that he had wrecked the car. And instead of worrying about the vehicle or himself, he climbed behind the wheel of the jeep and drove to the grocery store because he was THAT desperate for some eggs. Needless to say, I figured out right away that he was drunk when he wrecked the car then took the jeep out so I kicked him out of the house.

Yes, I kicked him out of the house even though he has chemotherapy all week and may need a ride when he gets sick enough. I had to do it. I'm not sure how else to wake him up. He could have killed somebody or himself on Friday! How can I tolerate behavior like that?

Right now he's at his dad's house for the week detoxing. We tried to get him into rehab but nobody will take him because of the medications he's on and the care he needs. Today he talked to the head nurse about getting some help and she said the doctor and her would get him into some program as soon as possible.... so right now its a wait and see kind of situation.

Wait and see if he gets the help he needs. Wait and see if he falls off the bandwagon again or not. Wait and see if I decide to stay with him or go on my merry little way.

It's a hard decision to make. My heart tells me to have faith in him, to not give up hope... to love him through the hard times because there is a light at the end of the tunnel we're in. But my head is screaming at me all sorts of different tangents and rants that I can't keep straight. It's why I'm not in a hurry to make up my mind right now. I don't want to make the wrong decision because whatever choice I make is going to affect a lot of lives. Not just my own.

Will I be able to trust him again? Will I live in constant fear that he'll fall back down that deep dark hole? His dad told me to have faith in him, that he knows his son can fight this and beat it. Kent, himself, tells me to have faith in him because he's done for good this time. And oddly I believe him because I can see it in his eyes, but I still have that fear in the back of my head. All I know is that he knows very well that if I do take him back on Friday and he does fall off the bandwagon again, I'm done with the relationship for good. I can't spend my life babysitting a man and his addictions. I can't do it. I won't do it.

My mom told me it's a decision only I can make. I just wish there was a handbook out there that told me exactly what to do. I love having the freedom of choice, but at times like this, I wish my life was mapped out and all I had to do was follow the points on the timeline.

As for JR... he's with me right now. No need to uproot him from school or his life at the moment even though I'm not his biological mother. I'm a bit scared at being alone with him. I've never been a single parent before, let alone one for a kid that's not even my own except by marriage. I just hope he doesn't try to manipulate the situation to his agenda because it's the last thing I need right now. I have way too much on my plate... way too many things to figure out for myself.

I know Kent... I know he asked me to have faith in him. How can I when I'm just learning to have faith in myself?