Stuck
Wednesday, Feb. 29, 2012 4:12 PM
"Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life." The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"" - Unknown
Today I'm tired and I'm sick. I have a bad cold and it's making me bitchy because I'm doped up on Sudafed and Mucinex. I needed both, you see. Alone, they weren't working. My nose wouldn't stop clogging up. I don't feel like a dead weight right now like I would had I taken Dayquil or Nyquil. I only have that draggy feeling a tiny bit.
Anyhow........
My husband is driving me nuts! My whole life situation is driving me nuts. If I don't end up in the looney bin, I'm most likely going to die from a heart attack due to all this stress. I asked myself last night why I don't just ask for a separation or get a divorce. And I had it in my head to go through with the separation. I was like, "tomorrow morning when I wake up I'm going to ask him to leave and take his kid with him." Then it happened again. I saw how sick he is, how much weight he's lost and I kicked myself around for being so selfish and cruel. How could I be so mean?
Then he called me today (I'm at work)and I remembered exactly why my thoughts had strayed to the dark side. He drives me nuts!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He's repetitive. He's overly emotional. He has no control over his son and can't parent him so all the parenting falls on me. He's an alcoholic and when he drinks he becomes verbally abusive. He's always making false promises. I finally told him today, "oh, I know. I hear that all the time from you. It would be nice to actually SEE you act on it rather than constantly saying you're going to do it."
As for JR.... it's amazing how alike he and Kent are. I've noticed their similar behaviors and actions in the past, but it wasn't until today that I actually sat down and let the fact sink in. JR's a mini Kent in so many ways. It doesn't help that Kent has the emotional level of a 16 year old these days, or that he fears JR because for once JR is bigger than his dad. It's because Kent's so skinny. If you look up a concentration camp victim, Kent looks like one of them. Literally. His body is extremely fragile.
Kent keeps saying he's going to die soon. I asked him, "what makes you say that?" He said it was a gut feeling of his. I didn't tell him that I sometimes have the same gut feeling. I just push the thoughts to the back of my mind instead of dwelling on them like he does. I'm sure if it was me in his positons, I'd be thinking about death nonstop. As for his death? It's not something I want to think about right now or deal with. He said he doesn't have much time left, but who knows what he means by that? A week, a month, a year, 5 years?
And if this is the truth, how come he drives me so nuts? How come my empathy and patience is gone? I used to be so patient and kind. Now days he frustrates me and I snap at the littlest things. I think it's because he doesn't retain anything we talk about so we have the same conversation over and over and over and over again. And our problems stay the same because they never get fixed since he doesn't have the mentality to help make things better.
I'm at a loss. I feel like I have nobody to talk to about this. I feel as if I do talk to somebody they're just going to tell me things I don't want to hear. I'm tired all the time. I'm stressed out. I'm trying to teach JR respect and how to behave in a normal society so that when his dad does die, he can function within that society. I'm trying to keep the family afloat financially (which is becoming increasingly harder to do since my pay doesn't go up but the price of absolutely everything does). I'm trying to be there for my husband who drives me nuts and be his rock.
I'm just so tired. So very tired. What I'm tired of most of all is being tired. And I know I seem to complain a lot about the same things, but my life is stuck right now.
It's just stuck.
