I once had a life, or rather, life had me. I was one among many or at least I seemed to be....


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Depression Hurts
Wednesday, Jun. 06, 2012 3:20 PM

"Despite all my rage
I am still just a rat in a cage
then someone will say
what is lost can never be saved."

- Smashing Pumpkins

I feel like every little thing I ever hope for gets taken away from me. I start to question myself why I even hope for things anymore. It's probably because the minute I stop hoping for something, then that's it. I'm gone. There's nothing left to live for. Sadly, I'm so close to losing all that hope.

Every single day has become a struggle for me. I spend most of my time curled up in my bed because I don't really feel like facing the world. Granted, I still get up and go to work and do what I have to do to pay the bills... but all I can think about lately is how much I don't want to live anymore. Don't worry. I'm not suicidal that I know of. I'm just tired of living, of existing.

Last month, almost exactly one month ago, JR's mother passed away in her sleep. She was 35 years old. She was hiding the fact from us that she had an enlarged heart, and I guess somewhere between the hours of midnight and one AM on May 11th, she stopped breathing. The paramedics did CPR on her and blood came out of her mouth so I'm guessing her aorta burst.

The whole week after her death was stressful. Kent went through a lot of emotional struggles realizing his own mortality, losing his childhood sweetheart and the mother to his child, and wondering what in the world we're going to do now.

I feel vain. My main concern was that JR is now "stuck" with us forever. And I don't know if I can handle that. I don't think I can deal with him for another 4 years. When I found out he was moving in with his mother I was so relieved. A tremendous amount of weight had been lifted off my shoulders and I felt good about life again. And then this happened. I know you're probably thinking I'm being entirely selfish about this whole thing, but I was angry that she died. Angry at God and at the world. Everything was falling into place for once only to be taken away in the blink of an eye.

And now I feel trapped. I feel like I'm suffocating. I love Kent, but I don't know if I'm still in love with him. I don't know if its the stress of his health that is causing me to want to run in the other direction and give up on this marriage and actually go live life before I get to old and can't experience it anymore.. or if I really have fallen out of love with him because of all the crap I've endured the last 4 years. I don't know. I just really don't know.

And yes! Damn it. I'm bitter. I AM BITTER! I am so bitter about the last 4 years of my life, and I know I should let it all go and I'm trying very hard to do so but every little tiny thing reminds me about the hell I'm living and I can't take it anymore. I've even been dreaming about divorce, which is much healthier I suppose than wishing that Kent would just pass away. There I said it. Maybe not outloud but at least outloud on here. I sometimes wish Kent would just pass away. I know if I was in his body I'd want to die. I'd pray everyday to die. But his health isn't just affecting him. It's affecting all those around him. I'm living the life of a sick man. I can't go do anything. I can't even go out to eat. I don't have any money at all because whatever money we have left over after all the bills we have to pay is spent on his stupid cigarettes and alcohol addiction. So there. I admit it. I wish he'd just pass away. I dream about it every day. I pray for it constantly. And I know that by wishing it and praying for it, I'm sure I'm going to be guiilt ridden when it does actually happen and I'm going to hate Karma because it's going to kick me in the ass.

But the alternative to all of this is my own death. So maybe I should be wishing for my own death instead. It doesn't matter anyway. I'm already dead on the outside. I might as well be dead on the inside too.

In 19 Seconds

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You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself any direction you choose.
You're on your own. And you know what you know.
And YOU are the one who'll decide where to go...

- Dr. Seuss