I am lost.
Thursday, Nov. 01, 2012 2:06 PM

�In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on.� ― Robert Frost

Yesterday I was reading through my old diary (jnw77), and I couldn't believe how much has changed yet stayed the same. While life keeps moving forward and events happen to shape this life, I noticed something that hasn't changed. I'm not even sure it ever will. What is that? My state of mind.

Don't get me wrong. My mind has changed, hopefully for the better. I just noticed that even back then I was struggling with my emotions. Even back then, I experienced on and off again depression, like something caused it to switch off and on like a light switch. I also noticed it all seemed to revolve around my current relationships, my insecurities in them, the need to be constantly reassured that what I had to offer was good enough.

For the last four years I didn't worry about it. I had gotten married and was dealing with other issues. And then Frank happened. Without even meaning too, he slipped through the cracks into my life and made me realize just how unhappy my marriage is... emotionally, spiritually, physically and mentally. When I'm talking to him, the world feels right. When I'm not, I fall back into my physical reality and wish I was anywhere else in the world but here.

Is it an emotional affair that I'm having with his man? To constantly seek his companionship above all others because he makes me smile? I've laughed more in the last month than I have in the last four years, and I didn't realize how much I missed that euphoric feeling you get when laughter bubbles out of you and escapes between your lips.

But this past week, I've cried a lot. I don't know if it's because my hormones are all out of wack, if it has something to do with the fact that deep down I want to be physically in the moment with Frank and I can't be, or if it's because I know from this point forward, no matter what choice I end up making, pain will follow my decision.

Is it the right thing to stay with Kent, to bare his burdens and see him through the chemotherapy, his alcoholism, our financial struggles, and the angst of his teenage son? Even if by doing so that means giving up a lot of my own life, sacraficing what youth I have left to be morally just? I do love Kent, even after all of this time, but I am not in love with him anymore. I think what we've been through may have made us stronger as friends, but not as a couple. And I know it's because of me that the foundation of our marriage isn't what it could, or may even should, be. If I gave in, gave up, would I find myself back in love with him at some point? Or has the past made me so bitter and tired that it's too late for such a thing?

I'm not running away from my marriage to jump into the arms of Frank. I know Frank isn't a gaurantee. After all, we have never met face to face - and whether people want to admit it or not, two people must be able to feel the connection in the physical and not just the mental and emotional. He knows my situation. He knows what I am struggling with. I know what he's dealing with on his end, as well. Right now we give each other the support we need without allowing it to get overly complicated.

But I know me. I know I feel deeply, and I know I give myself completely to the moment. And I know it doesn't matter how much we try to keep things from developing to the point where one or both of us gets hurt, because, for me, it passed that point a long time ago. I think deep down he knows I've passed the point of no return. I think deep down he's passed that point with me, too, but neither one of us will admit it outloud to the other.

So I am lost on how to feel, on what to do, on what's right and what's wrong. The more I struggle with this mentally, the more emotional I seem to get inside, and the more I can't help but cry. A lot. Because no matter how this situation ends, getting there is going to be hard and it's going to really hurt. And not just me, but one of the two men I care about.