What to do?
Wednesday, Nov. 14, 2012 4:30 PM
�About all you can do in life is be who you are. Some people will love you for you. Most will love you for what you can do for them, and some won't like you at all.� ― Rita Mae Brown
So I jumped on the Facebook bandwagon and started to tell everybody what I'm thankful for. Here's my list so far:
1. I'm thankful for life, for being alive and having the opportunity to experience it.
2. I'm thankful for my family. No matter what life throws at us, we are always there for each other.
3. I'm thankful for my two cats, Haley and Comet. They are like my children. They've meant a lot to me over the years. Best companion pets ever!
4. I'm thankful for my parents. They have done so much for me and for others. I couldn't ask for two better role models.
5. I'm thankful for my friends. Without them, life wouldn't be nearly as much fun. Their support during hard times is never taken for granted.
6. I'm thankful for my job. I'm lucky to have one! Let alone one that I actually enjoy.
7. I'm thankful for the talents I've been blessed with, especially the ability to express myself through written word. Writing completes me.
8. I'm thankful for the roof over my head, the food on my plate, and the clothes on my back.
9. I'm thankful for my yoga instructor, Michelle. She's been a true blessing to me and many others as we struggle with our physical limitations. Her optimism is inspiring.
10. I'm thankful for my Aunt Janna and the friendship and support she's shown me the last couple of years.
11. I'm thankful for all the doctors and nurses who have cared for those suffering from cancer and other illnesses. Their patience, kindness, and dedication is truly admirable.
12. I'm thankful for my brother Scott - my best friend in life forever and always.
13. I'm thankful I found a pair of pants to wear in this cold weather we're experiencing. I guess it's time to pull out the winter clothing. ;-)
14. I'm thankful for the little things, especially random acts of kindness.
I went to Lawrence this past weekend for the KU vs SEMO (Southeast Missouri) basketball game with my friends Chris, Carrie, and her husband Rusty. KU won, of course. It wasn't that good of a game, to be honest. Then again, preseason games usually aren't the best. I did have a good time seeing everybody and hanging out, though.
The best part is that I went alone. I actually took time to myself and left Kent and JR at home. Granted, Kent annoyed me the entire weekend with text message after text message. I had to finally say, "look, this is my ME time and I need it. Please let me be." Which, of course, he took personally. I used to think that I was sensitive until he came along. I am a cake walk compared to dealing with his feelings.
I tried to talk to Carrie about it, but she just kept saying things like, "well, he loves you. He just wants to spend time with you." And "If you didn't spend so much time on the computer...." I dropped it after that. She doesn't get it. I don't think anybody does.
Did you know that this past weekend was the first time I've been apart from him in 4 1/2 years for longer than the average day? Excluding the following: I went to Nova Scotia with my family two months after we ended up in a relationship for one week, then there was the week I helped my brother move back to Boston (which ended up in him calling me every single day bitching about the fact I didn't buy him blue gatorade before I left), and the time I kicked him out of the house because of his alcoholism. Other than that, we have not been apart at all.
And it's driving me INSANE. I go to work and I do my stuff which can be relaxing only sometimes. Then I go home and the first thing that happens is I'm bombarded by talk that I don't even care to listen too. All he wants to talk about is his cancer, his son, or politics. Most days, I don't want to hear about any of that. It's not that I don't care, but my god. I don't want my entire life to be all about that and only that.
I want my LIFE back! This past weekend was supposed to be time for me to reflect on my life and figure out how to change it for the better, but I couldn't even do that because of his constant barrage of texts. On Saturday, I finally turned the phone off and said screw it. I spent the entire day napping and relaxing at my mom and dad's house, but having that little nagging voice in the back of my head making me worry about what to expect the second I turned my phone back on. And wouldn't you know it... text after text of him bitching me out with every text ending with the F word in some way. Usually with the words, "Fuck me!"
Then on Sunday as I drove home having not accomplished a single thing... no relaxation of any sort, no epiphany over what to do with my life, and definitely no resolutions or conclusions... I dreaded each mile that brought me closer to home. I was so tempted to turn the car around and drive off into the sunset but my responsibilities kept pushing me forward towards my destiny. Once I made it through the door, all I heard was, "why do you keep treating me like this? What did I ever do to you? I'm your husband, not your boyfriend." And yada yada yada.
I wanted to scream at him. Literally. What would I have said? This:
I'm NOT happy. I want out. I've wanted out since our horrible disaster of a honeymoon. But I feel trapped because I love you and because you're sick. I don't know if I am in love with you anymore, but I do love you. And I don't want to hurt you or cause you any pain... and I'm afraid to leave because I don't want to be alone in this life either. I'm getting old. I'm 35 years old now and my time to have a family is fleeting.. and I can't have a family with you because you're sick and you're an alcoholic and to be honest I don't want to have children related to your family... because if you die then I'm still stuck in a relationship of sorts with them.
And I am so full of bitterness and hate right now because I feel like the last 4 years of my life have been wasted. I haven't been happy and I don't remember the last time I was happy. You've done a lot to me over the last couple of years and I don't know if I can let go of that and put this relationship back together. I don't think I have the heart nor the gumption to do so.
I look at you and I hate you most of the time because you represent everything that has kept me from living a full life. You represent all the sadness I've felt the last 4 years, all the stress I've endured, and all the missed opportunities and life experiences I could have shared with someone else. I look at you and I hate you because I feel trapped, like I'm stuck with you for the rest of my life. And then feeling this makes me feel guilty because you never asked to be sick and you never asked to have your life turn out the way it is, either. Which only makes me feel more stressed out and more guilty for feeling the way I do.
And I hate your son. I hate him. I don't mean to hate him, but I really do. I hate every little thing about him. I hate the sound of his voice. I hate the way he looks, how he acts, the things he does. He annoys the hell out of me every single day. I hate him because of the things he's done to my cats, the things he's done to me, the things he's done to you, and the things he's done to my family. And I'm sick and tired of people excusing his behavior and his actions, because to me there is no excuse for what he's done.
I want out. I want out of this relationship, and I want my life back.
That's what I would say... if I had the courage to actually say it.
I can't see my life in five years, ten years, twenty years..... I have no idea what the future has in store for me or Kent. The only thing I know is that I can't see myself surviving much longer if all I have to look forward to every single day for the rest of my life is this.
