I once had a life, or rather, life had me. I was one among many or at least I seemed to be....

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The Big D
Tuesday, Dec. 04, 2012 4:11 PM

“What we wait around a lifetime for with one person, we can find in a moment with someone else.” ― Stephanie Klein,

This is how it happened:

You know how I am having financial problems, right? Well, last month Kent asked me to trust him with the bills. He was going to maintain our checking account and get us back on track. So, I did the noble thing. I let him have a month. Mostly because I've been so stressed out lately, it's not funny.

Last week, on a spur of the moment implulse, I checked the bank account. We only had $8.91. Only $8.91!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So I checked our savings account to see what we had in there. Oh my god! We went from having enough in there to pay our property taxes and our house insurance to barely having enough in there to keep us from being charged by the bank.

I was livid. I am still livid. I went home screaming. I yelled at Kent and told him I was done with all of it. That I am sick and tired of living like this, that I can't believe he spent every dime we had set aside for our property taxes and our house insurance. Now I have no idea how I'm going to pay for them because I'm tired of my parents bailing me out because of his stupidity.

And I kept on yelling. I yelled for a good thirty minutes. I told him I was not happy, that I haven't been happy for years. I told him I was sick and tired of my health going down hill because of all the stress he's brought into my life. I told him I don't blame just him for our relationship being crappy. I told him I was partially to blame, too. And I told him his mother had a lot to do with it and so did JR.

And you know what he did? He rolled back over on the couch and went back to sleep. A few hours later he came out of his man cave and said, "are you done being mad at me now?" I snorted. Literally snorted. Did he not hear a single word I said? I looked at him like he was pathetic and said, "I'm beyond mad, Kent. I'm DONE! Do you get it? DONE!"

This happened last Thursday night. By Friday morning he was trying to kiss my ass by coming up with ways to improve our relationship and our financial status. I told him it was too late. He said it was never too late. I said, "Kent, sometimes love isn't enough, and in our case it isn't." He stormed around a bit and told me I was selfish and materialistic. I told him to leave me the hell alone and go figure out what he's going to do with himself because I am done with him.

Saturday rolled around and he's trying to kiss and hug me. I cower at his touch. I don't like it anymore. It disgusts me. He was calling me baby, honey, and sweetheart. He's still calling me those things. Hearing those words escaping his lips makes my skin crawl. When I didn't return the affection he said, "I get it. You don't love me anymore." I let it go. To respond would have made the situation worse either way. What was I to say anyhow? "No, I don't love you anymore." or "Well, I love you, but I'm not in love with you." ???

Sunday came and he was talking about us spending more time together in front of the couch watching TV or something. I shook my head no. I told him it was too late for that. He said, "so you're just going to give up on us?" I told him, "I tried for three years. I'm done trying now." He said, "It will get better. I know it will." I told him, "you've been saying that for years now. YEARS! And it hasn't gotten any better, Kent. It's gotten worse." I told him I was tired of the mind games that he and his son play, the paranoid comments he makes all the time, how he reacts like a teenager instead of a grown adult when things don't seem to go his way. I told him I was disgusted with how he makes up crap to my friends about me which make them think that I'm the bad guy in this relationship, while telling me something completely different. I told him I was tired of him telling me that my parents or some other random family member was talking to him about me and that they said these negative things about me - especially since, when I confronted these family members - they gasped and completely denied saying such things. And who am I to believe? A man who has put me through hell and back the last 4 years of my life, or my family that has always been by my side?

To top it off, for someone who says they don't like drama, he sure keeps trying to stir the drama pot. And I'm SICK OF IT. I am sick of constantly being on edge. I am sick of not wanting to go home because I fear what Kent I'm going to run into that night. I am sick and tired of his son and all of his issues. I am completely fed up with not having any money to do anything like pay our god damn bills.

I spent the rest of the day Sunday bawling because I had so many emotions rampaging through my body. I felt like I was on a roller coaster going up and down emotionally. I want him out of my house and I want to move on with my life, but he won't go. And I don't know if I have the heart in me to kick him out, especially when he seems to get severely sick every time I do try to kick him out. And I know that this is just a scam of his to stay under the roof... that he makes himself sicker by worrying about things. I see it now. I don't know why I didn't see it before.

And it's not good when I still sit there and pray that either my life ends or his does, just to escape this situation.

Monday came and went. And now today is Tuesday and he's still under my roof. He's still calling me honey, sweetheart, and baby. He's still sending me texts ending in "love you," and he's still running around the house doing what he's always done as if this is just some random phase that will eventually pass.

I don't know what to do! I don't know how to get it through to him that I am done. I have tried everything short of going to the state office and filing for divorce. The only thing keeping me from doing so is the fact that I absolutely hate conflict and I'm scared. I am absolutely scared.

I am scared of being hated and disliked by the multitude of mutual people we know. I am scared of hurting him more than I have too. I am scared that I'll wake up five years from now and realize I made a mistake by filing for one. But most of all I'm scared of being alone, and I'm scared of starting over at 35.

But then I remember our bank account. I remember the manipulation and the mind games. I remember his mother and her comments about how I need to be having sex with her son. I remember all the negative things JR has done to me, his dad, and my cats. I remember how I used to be before all of this, and I don't like the fact that my health has gone so far downhill that if I stay like this I'm surely to die.

I don't want to wake up five years from now living this life. I don't. I don't want to wake up two years from now still living this life. I feel absolutely trapped and there doesn't seem to be a simple solution. I can't seem to get him to take me seriously, and I can't seem to get the courage to be absolutely serious about saving myself.

Which it what it comes down to, isn't it? Saving myself? If I stay in this relationship, I'm going to die. I'm already half dead living in it.

I feel like I'm banging and pulling on a door that won't budge. And no matter how hard I keep pulling or pushing it, the door is completely stuck. I don't even have a peephole to gaze out of to see what's on the other side. All I know is what's on this side of the door, and I don't like it. I am trapped without a key to open up the lock. What I want to know is why the door is stuck, and why won't the door open up for me?

In 19 Seconds

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You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself any direction you choose.
You're on your own. And you know what you know.
And YOU are the one who'll decide where to go...

- Dr. Seuss