Saturday, Feb. 23, 2013 3:36 PM
“Most of the time - 99 percent of the time - you just don't know how and why the threads are looped together, and that's okay. Do a good thing and something bad happens. Do a bad thing and something good happens. Do nothing and everything explodes.
And very, very rarely - by some miracle of chance and coincidence, butterflies beating their wings just so and all the threads hanging together for a minute - you get the chance to do the right thing.”
― Lauren Oliver
This entry won't make sense. I'll tell you that right now. It's because my brain is going 10000000 miles a minute and I can't keep up with all my thoughts. It's okay though. I love it when it's random.
As my happy pills kick in more and more, I'm enjoying the escape from the sadness. I wonder if I'm bipolar. I go off the pills and I can write. I can write all the words in the world and make up stories and create poems and watch empty space fill up. On them, I lose all that. I haven't lost it completely yet, but I can feel it coming. I can feel the words wanting to slide away, float out of my mouth and never return. What do you do if you are me? Do you live within the sadness and keep your words, or do you take the pills and lose a part of yourself in the process? Do you really lose yourself, though? Or does another part of you come out that you didn't know existed in there?
Okay. So maybe this entry is going to make some sense after all. It's just that while I was in bed this morning thinking, all of these thoughts were just bombarding me. I mean completely random thoughts. I thought of vampires and how they go after your neck and wrists... and I think did the creator make them go for those spots because of the heart beat or is it because it's two of the most erotic spots on the body? Then again, maybe they are sensitive spots because that's where you feel your pulse. Oh, the conundrum! Who knows? Who knows?
If you look out my back door right now, all you can see is piles of snow. Over 2 feet of snow! And while I was in bed, I could hear the snow melting off the roof and it sounded like rain. And we all know how much I love rain. If I could live anywhere in the world, it would be a place where it rains a lot. There's something about water that I can't explain. I'm drawn to it like a moth to a flame. I'll probably never figure out why. Does it really matter why? I don't know. I don't know much anymore.
Yes, I am trying very hard to keep it all together. I'm avoiding feeling anything at the moment. I know the moment I let myself fall back into those thoughts there might be no turning back. It took all my willpower the other night not to swallow all those pills I've stockpiled for months now. It took a lot of willpower for me to not cut myself, too. Why do people cut themselves anyhow? I can only think that it's to transfer the pain you feel inside onto something else.. something more physical. I guess once you're a cutter, you're always a cutter. I ache to cut sometimes, but I have been cutter free for a few years now. I suppose it's like being an alcoholic. You want it so bad and sometimes you almost give in to the need. I'm a bit proud of myself for not giving in to the moment. Oh darling, make it go away. Just make it go away! And who is darling? I do not know. That just slipped out.
The cats were acting strange lately. I thought maybe it was because of Kent going back on chemo and ending up in the hospital for a bit, but now I think it was more their reaction to my emotions. Now that I'm "calming" down so to speak, so are they. Especially, Comet. She is so in tune with my emotional being. It's like that class I took a few years ago about victims of abuse... animals are victims too. They feel the stress in the house. They know something is wrong. God, I wish I could give them the best lives possible. I don't want them to feel the pain I feel.
I'm sitting here and I'm about to enter into that sadness again. Mostly because I think, how am I going to make it through the grief that's coming? How am I going to hold it all together when Kent dies? When Grandma L. passes on (which I know is soon. I can feel it.)? Do widows give into the sadness? Do they sit on the bed and just let their grief claim them? How will I hold it all together? How will I make it through the funeral? How will I plan for it? How will I make it past the moment when that light of life that we all have inside of us leaves his for the last time? How? How will I hold it all together for JR? Oh my god. How am I going to hold it all together for JR???