I once had a life, or rather, life had me. I was one among many or at least I seemed to be....

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Dreamers and Doers
Wednesday, Mar. 06, 2013 3:24 PM

“Walk with the dreamers, the believers, the courageous, the cheerful, the planners, the doers, the successful people with their heads in the clouds and their feet on the ground. Let their spirit ignite a fire within you to leave this world better than when you found it...” ― Wilferd Peterson

I have had an epiphany. On my way to work today I was listening to "A Little Life," the CD my ex David made me. On the CD is music representing his life. I find myself listening to it quite often, as I have over the years, because the thought he put into the CD was deep. He chose music that makes you think and feel, which, to me, is the best kind of music out there.

I realized that years ago, when I made him my own life CD, I chose music that wasn't as... mature? Is that the right word for it? I took a lot of time to pick out certain songs. I chose music that reminded me of specific moments in my life, but in the end the songs I chose were very mainstream. They told a story, but they didn't represent me and who I am.

So knowing this, I realized something. Yes, it's been years since I've been with David, and I shouldn't be rationalizing our relationship anymore, but this thought struck me on the way to work today. For years I felt like David had chosen someone else over me because my value was not as worthy. I felt like he had purposely broken my heart out of some selfish need or desire of his own. And while these may be why he did such a thing (one never truly knows the motives of another person), none of that matters. It doesn't matter now because of all the time that has passed - but it shouldn't have mattered then. Why? Because it was inevitable. It was going to happen eventually. I just didn't realize it at the time because I wasn't mature enough to realize the differences between us.

Yes, I was immature. Sure, I was in the body of an adult and I was acting like an adult making very adult choices, but he was light years ahead of me. There may have only been a five year difference between our ages, but it was enough of a difference to matter. I didn't realize it then, but I realize it now.

I also know that I clung to David because he was a dreamer just like me. The difference between us, though, is that David is also a doer. I wanted to be a doer. I still want to be a doer. I just latched onto him at the time because I wanted him to push me to do these things we dreamt about. Instead of taking the initiative and being a doer on my own, I submitted myself to him and gave him complete control. I wanted him to make all the decisions for me. He was my security in that way, something that I've always craved.

So yeah... it's been an eye opener thinking about this... how immature I was back then, how much growing I had left to do, and where I was at mentally. If I could be a doer and not just a dreamer... if I could let go of my insecurities and just be secure in the knowledge that life is what happens while we're busy making other plans, and if I could just relax, I think all of this growing that I'm doing will take care of itself and be worth it in the end.

I compare my past self with my present self and I realize that when it came to this relationship with Frank, I made a very similar mistake. I clung to him wanting security, aching for someone to make me into a doer. In the end, I'm the only one who can make myself into a doer instead of just a dreamer. And I'm the only one who can make me feel secure. While mentally Frank and I were more compatible than David and I, and much closer in age and life stages, I suppose it was also an inevitable thing.

Will I ever find someone who is my other half in every single way? Probably when I'm 50 or 60... or maybe by then I will have given up all hope in finding that connection and just settle. Maybe more people settle than I realize.

I just... I want to be a doer. I want to continue being a dreamer. Yet, knowing myself, I know I want to share that with someone who is on the same page as me. It's just finding that someone who is on the same page that's the hard part. Especially when it comes to mentality. If you can find that with someone, its worth holding onto because once you have that, everything else seems to fall into place. If you don't have that, all the love in the world for each other won't matter because whether we want to admit it or not, love is never enough.

In 19 Seconds

Last Five Entries:

Life Update - Tuesday, May. 21, 2019
I had an epiphany! - Wednesday, Jan. 16, 2019
2019 Resolutions - Wednesday, Jan. 09, 2019
To New Beginnings - Tuesday, Jan. 08, 2019
My Christmas Weekend 2018 - Wednesday, Dec. 26, 2018

Other Diaries:

candikurlz | catsoul | cocoabean | curious-me
illusionless | kenny-loo | musikoid | poetinthesky
starkitten01 | Zenayda | jnw77 <-- My old Diary

You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself any direction you choose.
You're on your own. And you know what you know.
And YOU are the one who'll decide where to go...

- Dr. Seuss