Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!
Tuesday, Mar. 12, 2013 6:05 PM
“Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won't either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could.” ― Louise Erdrich, The Painted Drum LP
Side Note: I'm an hour behind schedule today! Stupid time change has really messed me up. I hate springing forward. I need to move to Arizona where the time never changes. One can dream, can't they?
Physically I'm doing swell. Absolutely grand, in the overall scheme of things. Mentally, on the other hand, I'm suffering. The happy pills help my mind get sidetracked onto better things, but there's a part of my brain that keeps going back to the things it shouldn't.
I keep arguing with myself, presenting both sides to a situation and wondering which side will win. "Do I or don't I? Yes, you should. No, you shouldn't. Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!" And when this happens, all I can imagine is a ping pong ball being sent back and forth over the net. I can even see it as it bounces back and forth from left to right inside my head. It's never ending. And when my thoughts go all random, the ball goes crazy. It's pinging in every direction it can like that old Atari game. Sometimes, it's even set to music.
I tell myself to let it go. Just let it all go. Why am I even worried about any of this? Things didn't end right. I should fix them, but how? I'm not about to contact Frank and try to mend things. Right now is not the time. There is too much animosity from both sides.
I tell myself I need to grow up and act like an adult and apologize for my behavior in all of this, but then that little voice inside my head screams at me, "No! Stop right there. Don't you dare." Then I start to analyze everything over and over again until I want to scream. And it's always the same things that my brain focuses on, too.
Like how he asked me, "why does there have to be the threat of more?" Which is only contradicted by him saying later on, "I couldn't be in a relationship with you because you're married." It's these things that I can't seem to let go of and move on from. And the worst part is, he wouldn't explain himself to me. He kept saying that he already had and that he wasn't going to keep dwelling on it. When I mentioned the threat comment, he was like, "you're the one who said that, not me." And I'm like, "uh... no. I have the text message right here from you saying exactly that."
So then I spent a lot of time arguing with him that he never wanted to be with me to begin with. After all, he kept saying we had this agreement we'd just be good friends. Yet, he also kept saying the only reason he didn't choose me is because I'm married. But then he also knew that I was willing to get a divorce and see how things would go between us. So you see, it's a confusing thing. It's like that Katy Perry song. "You're hot then you're cold. You're yes then you're no." And I need to learn to accept the fact that it doesn't matter now. None of it truly matters because it's over and done with and there's no going back.
I just wish my mind would stop obsessing over the little things. It only happens randomly, thank God! If it was a constant mental thing, I'd seriously want to shoot myself just to escape. I've also noticed that I did the same thing with Casey #2, the same thing with Cory, the same thing with David... I obsessed over the little things and I pushed and pushed and pushed until they cracked. Seriously, what is wrong with me that I do such things? Why can't I just accept things as they are, mentally process them, then shove them out?
Is any of this even normal? I don't know anymore. But like the quote above, I'm grateful for my past relationships. At least, when all is said and done, I can say that I took a bite out of a bunch of apples - and it was good.