A Little Life Update
Wednesday, Dec. 19, 2018 4:15 PM

Tears shed for another person are not a sign of weakness. They are a sign of a pure heart. ― José N. Harris, MI VIDA: A Story of Faith, Hope and Love

Saturday my mom drove with me to meet up with Kent in the St. Theresa's Hospital parking lot to pick up the divorce papers. I was fine all the way there until you could see the parking lot in the distance. When we pulled up next to his Uncle Larry's truck, I had to collect myself because I was bawling.

When I got out of the car, he asked me, "why are you crying?"

I couldn't even look him in the eye when I replied, "because this is it. Once these are filed it's completely over."

He hugged me to him and said, "Well, yeah. That's how this works."

My response was, "I'm sorry. I didn't expect this to feel so final."

I don't know how he held it all inside, or if he even had anything to hold inside. He didn't shed a single tear but I was crying like I'd never speak to him again.

The entire weekend was like that. I couldn't listen to music. I didn't want to speak to anybody. The slightest thing would set me off and make me an emotional wreck. My mom distracted me by taking me Christmas shopping with her and making me watch Christmas movies on Netflix. I honestly can't tell you what I did the entire weekend because most of it seems a blur.

On Monday, she drove me to the lawyer's office to drop the paperwork off, and once again the flood works happened. I made myself get it together and went into the office to file the papers. My lawyer's assistant had me sign a few more documents and my lawyer asked me if I wanted him to wait until January 2nd to file so that Kent and I could file a joint tax return. I told him I would let him know on Tuesday after I asked Kent what he wanted to do. When I talked to him that night, he told me to go for it if it will help me out financially. It does, so our divorce won't be filed until January 2nd.

Anyhow, to distract me further, my mother made me help her finish up her Christmas shopping. Then we spent Monday night wrapping up all the presents and watching the first part of The Voice finale. It took us until 2 AM to wrap all the presents, and there weren't even that many. I suppose it's because we were distracted by watching The Voice.

Yesterday I had to play catch up at work and do the boring but necessary things like pay my property taxes. I called up Verizon and had them turn off Kent's phone. He gets until the 25th because that's when our cycle ends. They also took me off Unlimited Data because I guess I use less than .01%. The nice lady put me on the 2 gb plan, which is going to save me a ton of money. Dropping Kent's phone and going to just that plan will cost me a little less than $40 a month. I do need to get a new phone at some point, but for now I need to save as much money as possible for what's to come. I talked to Verizon about Kent's status with them and they told me to have him call them up and they'll work with him concerning the debt that was caused by his son when he cosigned for a phone with JR. I told Kent it was worth looking into and he had me send him Verizon's Customer Service number today. I also called up Kent's supplementary insurance and paid the bill for him. Ironically, the cost of that went down, too.

Last night, my mom and I watched The Voice Finale. We have both become big fans of Chris Kroeze, Jay Kirk, and Kennedy Holmes. We both thought one of those three would win. We looked at each other and said at the same time, "I bet Chevelle wins just because we're hoping for one of the others." And believe it or not... that's exactly what happened. I'm happy for Chevelle but I feel very let down and led on for some reason. I mean, I really wanted Chris Kroeze to win. He sings and plays my kind of music. I am a big fan of Kirk Jay now. He made me fall in love with country music again. And Kennedy? My gosh. She's like her own version of Beyonce or Whitney Houston. They were all unique and talented and I enjoyed the music this season.

As for today? I woke up late and when I came up the stairs, my youngest niece Kami was there. She looked up from coloring and asked, "Where is Grandma?" Of course, I wasn't awake yet so I started looking around for Grandma and wondering where in the world she was too. I asked Kami if Grandpa was there and she said no. Basically, my sister had dropped Kami off with me while she took Katie somewhere. I guess it doesn't matter if I'm awake to watch her or not. Ha! I didn't get to work until almost 3 PM. I'm shocked my dad didn't call looking for me. When I got to work, I was like, "I came up the stairs and Kami was just sitting there coloring at the coffee table." Maybe he knew she was there. Maybe he didn't. He didn't seem very upset with me for being late so I'm going to say he knew.

It's been a long 5 days. I seem to cry at random and no matter how hard I try to stop the tears, they just start pouring out. I guess my body is forcing me to deal with my emotions and let them all out right now. Everybody bothers me. Every little thing bothers me. It could very well be hormones, but I think it's a mix of both.

I need to get around to reading and editing my brother's book. That should distract me for awhile, I suppose. I also have my own book to work on. So much to do. So little gumption to do it. This too shall pass, yes?

I even wrote a poem, something I haven't done in years. It's not the best poem in the world but it hits home for me. I will end this entry with it. Until next time, enjoy.

Here it is:

I love you when you’re sober
But I hate you when you’re not.
Do I really know you or
Am I someone you forgot?

Inside your sick delusion
Lives a stranger I once knew
Who travelled down the same old
Path until our distance grew.

Too many words were spoken
And too many battles fought
‘Cause I love you when you’re sober
But I hate you when you’re not.

My other half, love of my life,
We were of the lucky few.
I love(d) you more than anything
But I love my own life too.