To New Beginnings
Tuesday, Jan. 08, 2019 2:06 PM

The first step towards getting somewhere is to decide you’re not going to stay where you are. - John Pierpont “J.P.” Morgan

First off, I just wanted to let everyone know that with the new year here, it's also a new tax season. This is my busiest time of year so my posts are going to be sporadic. I'm going to keep up with reading everybody's diaries but don't be surprised if I leave a note about an entry that's days old or if my note giving is limited at this time.

I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas and New Year's. I made a toast at Christmas dinner that I hoped 2019 was a better year for everyone. My sister Jenny quipped that 2018 was a great year for her so I responded, then I hope 2019 exceeds your expectations. I am glad she had a wonderful year even if I did not.

I spent most of my holiday in hermit mode until New Year's Eve. I needed the time to process all of the emotions rampaging inside of me from the year that I had. A part of me still needs a vacation, but closing myself off to most of the world for the week or two that I did was extremely beneficial to my overall health. I feel mentally at peace for the first time in almost a decade, even if I'm still struggling to allow happiness into my life.

I'm still reading the book Resisting Happiness, which is helping. At the moment, I'm on a chapter that talks about dedicating the first ten minutes of your day to God. While I am not one to go on and on about God, I do remember feeling my best self back when I was younger and had more faith and hope in Him. I think if I wake up and pray for ten minutes every morning, the meditation will fill the spiritual void I am experiencing. Perhaps it will even give me peace in other aspects of my life. It's worth a try.

On the plus side of 2018, I lost 72 pounds last year. This year alone I lost 10 more pounds, but I gained 8 of them back when we went out to dinner for Jenny's 45th birthday party. We had Italian food, which always makes me gain weight. I probably would have gained even more, but I'm on Vyvanse, Victoza, and Naltrexone. I'd probably lose more weight, but I live with my parents and all they have around the house is junk food and soda pop. Since I'm flat broke at the moment, I'm at the mercy of their pantry and fridge. I could be more dedicated and drink tap water, but blah. Just blah!

In other news: I received my lawyer's bill for services done through Dec. 7th and I must say that divorce should not be this expensive. It's going to take me months to pay him off, and the bill doesn't even include most of December and the filing of the divorce which was done on the 3rd. He sent me a stamped and signed document, so I'm guessing that means the divorce was finalized and I can get my name changed now? I'd write him and ask, but he'd bill me for that, too. And while I'm flat broke, I just spent $155 at the hair salon getting my hair highlighted. I had no idea it was going to be that expensive! If I had known that, I wouldn't have had it done. To the new year, I guess. And a new me. Kind of.

On top of that, my People Magazine subscription automatically renewed for over $100 and I had no idea it was going to do that. I may have to cancel it. This is not the time for me to indulge in unnecessary spending, especially when my prescriptions cost me over $100 a month out of pocket and I'm in debt to the lawyer for thousands. I have a feeling the universe is trying to break me financially because I have always worked very hard to stay out of debt and have a high credit score, but things like this keep happening. Perhaps it wants me to experience the social class Kent is existing in at the moment, like it's punishing me for sending him there.

Speaking of Kent, he called me the other day and was telling me JR's current girlfriend is claiming she's pregnant. All I could think, but would never say aloud, is thank God I got out when I did. I always had the fear he'd get a girl pregnant and I'd end up being the one who had to raise the child. It wouldn't have been the baby's fault, but it would have also meant that I would be supporting Kent, JR, his girlfriend and the baby - and I really don't want to be stuck in that position with anybody. He said that JR is feeling the financial pressures of not having a degree. All I can say to that is, he had the opportunity to get a high school diploma. He even had the opportunity to get his G.E.D. (for free, I might add). He blew it all off and these are the consequences. He can either live his life bitching about it or he can suck it up and get his degree. Either way, I don't want to hear it. I divorced for a reason, and one of those reasons was to escape the drama.

Kent's stepmom and dad sent me Merry Christmas and Happy New Year texts. I thought it was very nice of them and I sent one back. When I mentioned to Kent how nice it was, he went on and on about how I shouldn't read into it and I shouldn't trust their kindness or be their friend. I don't know what he's tripping about. It's not like we're going to run off and be best friends and I'll visit their place and we'll talk about everything under the sun. They're being polite and kind. There is nothing wrong with that at all.

Also, Kent sent me two youtube videos the other night. He went to the casino with his aunt and uncle and had a horrible experience. I guess the casino people grabbed him by the arm and kicked him out of the casino because they thought he was drunk. I have a feeling he was drunk, but he also appears drunk sometimes because of his neuropathy. It affected him badly and he reached out to me for support. He sent me a text telling me to read his google review comment on the casino. I couldn't find it so I texted him back and said as much. He never responded back so I let it go and went back to watching the movie Bird Box. I woke up on Monday to an emotional text that said something like, thanks for not calling me especially when I needed to talk to someone that I thought I could trust. I texted him and said he never responded to my last text or I would have. Anyhow, his text angered me. Not because it made me feel bad for not being there for him in a time of need but because of how emotionally manipulating the text was. Or, at least, I read it that way. As I've stated before, I am very tired of his woe is me attitude. I wish he'd suck it up and quit blaming other people for the things he needs to fix about himself. And instead of going after me and trying to make me feel bad for not responding the way he wished I had responded, I wish he would be more forthcoming and say something more like, I had a very bad weekend. I really need your support right now because you're one of the only people I can trust. Maybe I'll say that to him next time we speak, because it would go a lot further with me than what he did send me.

Communication. Boy, does it suck sometimes. And mostly because we expect people to react a certain way. When they don't, the emotional defense claws come out and scratch. I am hurting and because you can't fix it and aren't responding to me the way I want you too, I'm going to do my best to make sure you feel guilty and hurt, too. I see it all the time, and not just from Kent. I used to be that way, but somewhere something snapped inside of me. I don't know if I was that way because of depression, or if it was because I was emotionally immature and selfish. All I know is that I barely tolerate it when people are this way. Half of me understands that other people's emotions are real and need justification, but the other half of me is fed up with it. I have two friends on Facebook I no longer follow because every single one of their posts is either mean-spirited and callous or a cry for help when they don't really want to be helped. They just want attention and validation. I would have made a great therapist in the past, but not anymore. I no longer have any patience.

I watched the movie Bird Box on Sunday. I found it very disturbing and sad. It was well scripted and the actors did an excellent job in it, especially Sandra Bullock and the children... but I wish I hadn't watched it. I may love reading thrillers, but I don't think I can handle being disturbed right now.

Well, it's been over an hour since I started this entry. I could ramble on and on, but like I mentioned above, it's tax season. Writing this entry distracted me from over an hours worth of work, which I will have to make up for later now. It's okay. It feels good to ramble and actually write again. I just can't do this often. I will sign off here with my go to saying.... until next time!