I once had a life, or rather, life had me. I was one among many or at least I seemed to be....


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Hold Me Back
Wednesday, Jul. 03, 2019 5:12 PM

Fear will do one thing and one thing only: hold you back. – Kya Aliana

I have an interview for the receptionist job at the church on Monday at 3:00. I don't feel nervous yet, but I know I'll feel it right before the interview takes place. My only fear is that I will say the wrong thing, even if that wrong thing comes out only because my mouth is so dry. It's been really dry lately. I know I need to drink more water. I'm very dehydrated.

My mother sent a man over to look at my roof. We had an extremely rare and horrendous hail storm that hit out of the blue about a week ago. It did some damage to the car, but not enough to warrant filing it with insurance.

I took a video of it. Half the hail was golf ball sized while the majority of it was pea to quarter sized. In the video, you can see the water on the ground being picked up by the wind as if there was a tiny little hurricane making its way through the parking lot.

Anyhow, my parents have to get their roof replaced. Fortunately, I do not. A lot of the houses just south of mine do. The man did tell me that the metal part on the roof that keeps the water from going into the house and sends it down to the guttering wasn't flat. I called up the warranty people and told them what he said and they'll be sending someone out soon.

My weed garden is looking horrible. I need my nephew to come mow it before it gets more out of hand. Somebody put up the little flags in my yard, which means that the sprinkler guy is getting ready to come trench it so the electrician can wire my irrigation well. After that, he'll be installing my sprinklers. Once that's done, my landscaping goes in minus the seed/sod.

Let me tell you, it's expensive putting a yard in. If I ever build another home, which I highly doubt I do, I'm going to make sure the yard is part of the packaged deal - with stipulations, of course, seeing that the last builder screwed me over royally yard wise. I won't get into that. I am adopting the attitude that all negative thoughts, especially ones about anything in the past, belong elsewhere. If I allow myself to think about the negative things too much, I will only be hurting myself.

Tonight I am going to the church to listen to a sermon on how to prayer. This is partly because I want to make a good impression for the upcoming job interview, and also, as I mentioned in my last entry, I am working on finding my spirituality so that I can be fully balanced. I am on the path to becoming the best version of myself, and in doing so, I hope to heal.

Kent texted me last night. I don't know if it was a group text or intended specifically for me, but he went on about changing his phone number and becoming anonymous because of his family and the stress they are putting on him. He uses speak to text and it never accurately types what he says, but I think that was the gist of it. This is exactly what he sent: FYI, Thanks to family and family things I am getting ready to hello and I am not going to give anybody my new phone number I am just going to be coming onimus and disappear because everybody can suck my f****** cock.

When I read that, my first thoughts were, Great. Here we go again. followed by, I am so glad I am not a part of that drama anymore. Except, to a degree, I am, but only because he tries to involve me in it. And, of course, I respond!

After much debating on my part, I finally responded with this: Why don't you tell your family to drop their pathetic drama and only reach out to you when they are calm and collected? You are 43 years old. You can quit reacting to their stupidity and approach their childish behavior with a I could care less attitude instead of reacting negatively like this. Their toxicity should not control nor define you, especially since you are your own individual. Let them stew in their noxious behavior on their own. Just because they are unhappy and choose to be venomous does not mean that you have to let them pull you down with them. Be strong (insert the strong arm emoji here) and tell them to grow up or leave you alone.

I have not gotten a reply yet, if I even get one, but I could have handled that a lot better. I could have ignored it completely, or I could have left out words like pathetic and stupidity. I have nothing against my former in-laws except the fact that they charged Kent for every dime he cost them while he was living under their roof for a brief period. I have nothing against his cousins, even though they feel bitter angst towards me. It's probably because Kent likes to tell people I divorced him because I couldn't handle his cancer. They aren't a big part of my life, so I don't even attempt to correct it. As for his son, I do have issues with him, but I am trying to get over all of that and move on with my life. I don't want to judge, but neither do I want to empathize with him after what he did to me. Forgiveness is extremely hard, but it's the only way to let go of the past and move on. I need to figure out how to forgive him so I can move on. It's not as simple as just doing it. If it was that simple, I would have already done so.

I am done sorting through all the tubs of stuff people have sent me, and I'm halfway done with typing up my poetry into word format so I can print it off and put it in a pretty binder. I'm also working on my paternal grandmother's ancestry on ancestry.com right now. I am trying to even these projects out as I do them, but I seem to get easily distracted by little things like playing Game of Sultans on my phone - a phone which needs upgrading really bad. I really do wonder if the Vyvanse has made me ADHD even though it's supposed to treat ADHD. Remember, I only take it for binge eating. Perhaps I am multi-tasking like crazy because I feel I have so much to do, or maybe I'm procrastinating doing certain things without realizing it.

In other news: If I don't get this upcoming job, I'm in trouble. My dad is going to be liquidating the companies and putting his interests over into his trust. It will be up to me on whether I keep my interests or if I sell them. I plan to sell my interests if they offer me really good money for them.

The people here that we office with have been trying to push us out of the building for years as they grow in size, but they haven't been successful because we own half the building. If they do push us out, it will come with the stipulation that they buy us out of our half of the building.

Of course, the man in charge won't hire me as their work pile grows securing me a job. It's because of my past with the other company where we all worked at, I'm sure. I was suffering from PTSD for a very long time, and then I married an extremely sick man who monopolized a good chunk of my work day taking him to chemotherapy. According to the people I worked with, I was overemotional, immature, and didn't come to work on time. Those are my words, not theirs. I'm assuming that's what they thought, and possibly still think of me.

I can still remember the woman I once was. I can still feel the anxiety, stress, and sensitivity she experienced on a daily basis in a toxic environment. I know why she reacted the way she did. Have you ever felt overwhelmed by the entire world around you? Like it's throwing things at you non-stop to the point where you just want to scream? I felt so overloaded back then. I couldn't control my emotions. I couldn't control my thoughts. I said and did manipulative things to try and hurt people, especially the ones who I felt had hurt me. And all I have to say for myself is that I was in a lot of pain and I didn't know how to process it. I see a lot of this in Kent, and I wish I could guide him to greener pastures, but that's something he has to do on his own when and if he's ever ready.

As for the guy who wants to push us out of the building, I don't want to assume, but I do assume, that people like him have no clue what it's like to be a rape victim and survivor, nor a full-on caretaker to a dying spouse. I will never say I'm sorry for how I dealt with things that overstimulated me back then. I have read some things I've written back then and am appalled at how I handled certain things. However, it is my past. There is nothing I can do to change it. The good thing is, I have changed and I am no longer that person. If they can't respect me for who I am today based off of the person I was in my past, they are not worth my time.

From this point forward, I am going to respect myself most of all. I will not change to please a person. I will not wear a mask to hide the real me. I do not need the approval of others. I do not need for everyone to like me. I do not need everyone to agree with me. I am not on this earth to live up to their expectations, nor are they here to live up to mine.

I am going to hope for the best, but expect less. Nothing, not even fear, can hold me back.

In 19 Seconds

Last Five Entries:

I don't know what to do. - Saturday, Sept. 14, 2019
Only Time Will Tell - Thursday, Aug. 01, 2019
But.... - Wednesday, Jul. 24, 2019
I need strength. - Tuesday, Jul. 16, 2019
The Hunt is On - Tuesday, Jul. 09, 2019


Other Diaries:

candikurlz | catsoul | cocoabean | curious-me
illusionless | kenny-loo | musikoid | poetinthesky
starkitten01 | Zenayda | jnw77 <-- My old Diary


You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself any direction you choose.
You're on your own. And you know what you know.
And YOU are the one who'll decide where to go...

- Dr. Seuss