I once had a life, or rather, life had me. I was one among many or at least I seemed to be....


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Only Time Will Tell
Thursday, Aug. 01, 2019 4:24 PM

"We think sometimes that poverty is only being hungry, naked and homeless. The poverty of being unwanted, unloved and uncared for is the greatest poverty. We must start in our own homes to remedy this kind of poverty." - Mother Teresa

I was supposed to hear back about the job I applied for last week on Friday, but I never heard a word. I figured they hired somebody else, so I started applying to a bunch of random jobs on indeed.com. Imagine my surprise when I received a call on Monday from Kit saying that she'd like me to come in for a second interview. This time the interview was with Kit instead of Dung. It didn't even feel like an interview. It felt like two girlfriends sitting at the table talking over lunch. I don't know if that's a good sign or a bad one.

Turns out, it's between me and one other person. I'll find out sometime next week if I get the job or not. It will only be part time and I'll only make about $12 an hour but it's better than nothing. Granted, my health care will be covered by my dad for doing his books and I'll get supplemental income from some of the other companies I do the bookkeeping for. I just hope it's enough to cover my cost of living. If not, I'll have to continue to look for either another part time job or a full time job somewhere else. I'm not sure if I like indeed.com. Seems like most of the jobs I apply for have already been filled or I never receive a response from the employer. Either the majority of the employers out there are rude and ignore the influx of resumes, or the indeed.com system is broken. It might be better to apply for a job by going directly into the place than doing it online and relying on technology.

I learned a lot more about what the job would entail. It sounds like they are all overworked and overwhelmed. It is a non-profit charity, so that makes sense. The information I would be inputting is extremely important. All the data is used to help the program get grants to help victims of domestic violence get free of their attacker, find good jobs, have housing until they can get back on their feet, etc. The other things they do is help low income people get their taxes done, put food on the table, and keep roofs over their head. If I get the job, my main duty would be entering the statistical data. If I have extra time, I'd be assisting Kit as an administrative assistant. She kept saying during the interview that the accountant needed a lot of help, too, so I think that's why I'm one of the final candidates. I have all the skills they are needing across all boards. Plus, I took a thousand (exaggeration) classes learning about domestic violence victims back in my 20s.

I don't know if I'll get the job, but it really feels strange how much this job matches up to my skill set and my past. Jumping around here... I have a feeling I was meant to apply for the job at the church because now the main priest knows who I am by name and lights up when he sees me. I wonder if I'm meant to be his friend or if he's meant to be mine. Perhaps we are meant to work together in some other capacity in the future. I believe we have free will, but I also believe that certain things are mapped out for us already. We go through experiences in life that prepare us for the things to come, to teach us certain lessons. This way, when the time comes, we are ready and able to handle our lives and be the purpose we were meant to be in other people's lives. Jumping back to the job....

Here is why I think I might get it, and why I should take the job if it's offered to me:

  1. I have accounting skills and their accountant needs help.

  2. I took sociology classes that taught me a lot about social programs, how to communicate with people who need help, etc. Even though I probably won't communicate with a lot of the people that come and go, I have the same background as all the social workers who work there already.

  3. I am a writer. They already have a grant writer, but I'd be able to help him keep up.

  4. Most of my classes in sociology dealt with domestic violence. I am also a victim of domestic violence. I understand the importance of breaking free, the need to be discreet, and how hard it is to be a victim.

There are many other reasons, but those are the main ones. If I don't get the job, that's okay. It was important for me to do the interview because its made me realize something about myself. I have a strong desire to help others in need. I don't know how to explain it, but it almost feels like a calling. I strongly believe that I was meant to experience my relationship with Kent just to get me to this realization. Plus, my marriage taught me quite a bit about myself. I'm stronger than I realize. I don't have to save everybody. It's not my responsibility. There's a huge difference between enabling a person and actually helping them. And so much more.

There is someone from my childhood that went to grade school with me that friended me on Facebook years ago. I don't know her very well and never have. However, she's going through a very rough time right now. She's disabled and struggles with rent and food. She wrote a post the other day because she was scared her mother, who financially helps her out, was going to die in the hospital. She was freaking out that she was going to lose her apartment because the rent was due yesterday. I didn't see the post until yesterday because I don't get on Facebook very much. Fortunately, her mother pulled through and was released from the hospital. Anyhow, she was dogging on herself and saying how she didn't have any friends, how she was all alone, that nobody reached out to help her, and that she didn't understand why she was made fun of for her mental disability, etc.

I know a lot of people do and say things out of manipulation and for dramatic effect. I learned that from Kent. However, I felt the need to reach out to her. I don't want to enable her or become her life support, but I also didn't want to risk the possibility that she might actually feel extremely alone. I wanted her to know she's not alone. I don't want to see her do something drastic like take her life just because everybody ignored her Facebook post. So I responded with a message that she was not a horrible person like she thinks, that she's not ugly like "everybody" says, and that she is far from alone. She didn't respond to my comment, so today I sent her a private message and asked her if she was on disability. I told her she didn't have to respond, but that I knew people who know of programs to help people on disability get and keep housing. I couldn't remember the program that was helping Kent last year, but I know that Kit and all the people at this place I applied for a job at would know exactly who to contact. She responded, thanked me because she may actually need the help in the future, and then was kind enough to ask about my two cats. So, if I don't get the job, another reason I may have been placed in this position was so I would meet the right people to help this particular individual get the help she desperately needs.

It's very strange how life seems to work out this way.

On another note, I am taking the advice of cocoabean and going to Home Depot to order the blinds for my house. I can't afford to do the whole home, but I'm getting my bedroom and the main room done. The two spare bedrooms can wait. I'm barely ever in them anyway. I have to be careful with money right now, especially since I have to spend a good chunk of money getting my yard put in. I'd be putting it in right now, but I'm seeding the yard because it's a corner lot and the lot is huge. Prime time to seed is in September so I just have to wait about 45 more days. Seems like a long time, but the months are going by very fast this year. I do have to worry about all the top soil I'm losing, but I'm going to go see Jim, who is the main realtor selling homes in the area on Saturday. I'm hoping that maybe I can get some free dirt from some of the people digging out basements in the area. We shall see. I figure they have to haul off all the dirt anyway so why not.

As for Kent... here is the latest slew of text messages from him I received on Sunday. Remember, he does voice to text so a lot of them won't make sense. I'm typing them out exactly as they are written. I'll put what I think it means in parentheses or my response - which I did NOT respond once in text to him. I just mean how I'd respond if I had responded:

12:22 PM - Well, I a it at (ain't at) all surprised..... I'm leaving 2night back to JC.

12:23 PM - Well this phone is only going to work for abut two more hours and then I have a different number and a different name and a new address and you will never know again you will never find me and you will never see me anyone (anymore) ever hear of me and if you do it won't matter anymore.I sincerely wanted to chance to talk to you and tell you how I felt because I know how you f***** feel so I don't want to hear about my son anymore or my sickness or my alcoholism maybe you should look in the mirror sweetheart because you're missing something and I'll just leave it at that and don't give me a shitty response rebel (or I'll) tune you out for f***** ever...

12:30 PM - I am not the same person you knew going to have the person I always was you just never let me do that so think about that one please and I'm serious this is me suing for peace do not dismiss it light.

12:45 PM - and if you are not willing to meet me halfway on this at least than that is on you and not on me because I extend my hand out to you at my heart. I do not hate you and I am not even mad at you I am in fact I understand why you did what you did but I do not need to hear about it anymore so if you really do want to continue and be friends like you said then you can reply to this if you were full of s*** like I think you were then I don't expect a response if I get one I'm sure it will be shity or snide or rude or some b******* excuse like it always is that's fine like I said it's on you.....

12:46 PM - insert strange gif image of a white monkey.

12:47 PM - Not sure why I'm reaching out but there must be a reason my guess is just foreclosure (for closure) so depending on your response or lack thereof you will get one back for me and it will be my final on if you want to be friends when you said your head back out to me and it will not be my final one and it is completely your f***** choice.

12:48 PM - Dot 4get the false PFA you fied. Dct Miller hasn't. (who is Detective Miller? The Detective on the case was Detective Watson.)

12:48 PM - And it's responding to that last statement then you truly are lost.

12:49 PM - It's f****** response exactly what I expected and that you'll get your wish and just now I'm not your devil anymore so find another f***** scapegoat.

12:50 PM - You have one chance to meet (admit) that you and your Fanboy lied about the PFA that you filed against me and to get me out of the house so you cal sell it which work out real well just one chance only one and this is the last one so figure it out and if you don't know what I'm talkin about run despite your daddy putting every f***** text message I just sent you and read them out loud.

12:51 PM - Do you think I'm down here just for the f*** of it (No, your stepmom told me you were kicked out of JC by your uncle and had nowhere else to go, but that you informed them that I was going to take you in so I assume you were in town hoping that I would let you move in with me. Not happening.)

12:51 PM - Have a blessed life but know this... Justice will come... You lied... Soon everyone will know. (Except I didn't lie, and everyone who matters knows it.)

12:52 PM - Goodbye......

1:00 PM - And too late for regrets sweetheart so you had that chance.

1:01 PM - Don't forget your attorney had you drop it for a reason and now well whatever. (My attorney insisted I shouldn't drop it. I dropped it of my own accord when I realized that it wasn't going to get you the mental help you need.)

2:29 PM - (I thought you said goodbye and were done) Just remember I did give you a way out I truly did all you had to do is talk to me but guess you're too good for that and that's okay maybe you are

2:30 PM - MY turn

2:31 PM - I'm not so sick and weak now and you can't push me around anymore (when did I ever?)

2:32 PM - You thought you would get away with that didn't you silly girl..yes by all means save these text messages because they're non-threatening I'm just telling you how I feel when I gave you a way to apologize and you just f*** me off.

2:33 PM - Everybody knows it wasn't your decision alone... Everyone, even WPD.

2:34 PM - *wink emoji* *happy blushing emoji* you in a lot (and a lot) of people bore false witness against me. Did you think I would forget Have a good life I would say bless you but you're not worth it.

I did not respond once to any of his text messages. I didn't even read them until about 4:30 PM when I saw that I had received them. I had slept in until 4 PM because for some reason I'm extremely exhausted lately. I had church at 5:30. After reading them, I asked myself, "why am I reading these? Why am I allowing him to text me such things?" And I did what I thought I'd never do. I blocked his number. I can't receive text messages or phone calls from him unless he gets a new phone number and harasses me that way. Typing them out today, I realize that most of it was him attempting to get my attention. When I didn't respond, he tried to do what he has always been good at doing... raising my blood pressure. He was able to do that again, and I think my nerves have been on edge because of it.

I know for a fact he was in town because he was kicked out, not because he was visiting the WPD. I know for a fact that if the WPD was going to do anything about the PFA filed last August, it would have been done already. I know for a fact that he stews on stuff like this for months and years, so the only thing I should be worried about is some kind of retaliation. He was too drunk and high to remember what really happened in our marriage, especially the moments that the PFA was about. He isn't thinking right, and it's because of his alcoholism and drug abuse that his version of events won't hold up in any court. The worst he can do is spread stuff about me through the grapevine, but the only people he keeps in touch with from our past are the ones who are also drug addicts and alcoholics. If people from our small town want to believe I'm a horrible person, then they aren't worth being acquaintances with. I don't think he's capable of showing up at my house with a gun. Sadly, he can find out my new address through peoplefinder.com because that site tells you everything you'd want to know about a person and then some. I know he likes to look people up on that website so I'm pretty sure he already knows that I'm no longer living with my parents. On the bright side, unless he convinced some drug addicts and gang members that I'm worth taking out, he's partially blind so if he did try to shoot me, he'd most likely miss.

I should have not built my dream house. I should have taken this opportunity of almost being jobless and moved to another state. I can still do that, I suppose. My life is worth more than being in debt and losing money over. We shall see. Who knows what the future has in store for me. Only time will tell.

In 19 Seconds

Last Five Entries:

I don't know what to do. - Saturday, Sept. 14, 2019
Only Time Will Tell - Thursday, Aug. 01, 2019
But.... - Wednesday, Jul. 24, 2019
I need strength. - Tuesday, Jul. 16, 2019
The Hunt is On - Tuesday, Jul. 09, 2019


Other Diaries:

candikurlz | catsoul | cocoabean | curious-me
illusionless | kenny-loo | musikoid | poetinthesky
starkitten01 | Zenayda | jnw77 <-- My old Diary


You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself any direction you choose.
You're on your own. And you know what you know.
And YOU are the one who'll decide where to go...

- Dr. Seuss