I once had a life, or rather, life had me. I was one among many or at least I seemed to be....

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Just a Shell
Monday, Sept. 16, 2013 10:57 AM

"For me, the wheelchair symbolizes disability in a way a cane does not." - Annette Funicello

It's been a couple of weeks since the doctor told me Kent only has up to a year to live, if that. This time I think it's for real. I say this because he's going downhill and he's heading there fast.

It started with his inability to see while driving. He wrecked the car so now it sits in the garage all banged up. Then it went to him falling down all the time. He fell down a lot before but never like this. His dad ended up buying him a cane, which he fortunately uses. When I take him to the cancer center, he is taken upstairs by wheelchair now. It was never like this before.

Now he's falling down even with the cane so I had to borrow my grandpa's walker. Grandpa never used it so it's like brand new. I think I also need to grab the wheelchair while I'm at it because he's almost to that point now.

I went to the DMV the other day and got a disability placard. I had to show them his license so they could put the name to the person it's being used for. I looked at the picture of him on that license and I remembered the man I had fallen in love with. He's gone now. What's left of him is just a mere shadow of the man he used to be. His legs are swollen, his eyes are swollen, and he's so skinny and small a twig could break him. And mentally? He's not with it at all. This is not the man I married. This is someone else invading his body and taking over.

I hate cancer. I hate what it does to the human body. I hate what it does to the person and their mind when it becomes so horrible over time they are a shell of their former self. This is where Kent is at. He is now that shell.

I had to call hospice on Friday. I'm waiting to hear back from them. I took care of the power of attorney and power of health documents. Now I just need to get Kent to concentrate long enough to finish his will.

When I told Kent's cousin (who is like his sister) that I was taking care of those documents, she asked me who was going to be his P.O.A. I was like, "Me. I am his wife." She was like, "is that what he wants?" As if he'd rather it be someone else. People frustrate me. I am his wife. Logically it's me. I just responded, "I'm not going to do anything he doesn't want." I left it at that. After all, my family has done more for him than his family and that's truly sad.

Sorry for the lack of updates here. Life is hectic right now as you can see. So much to do, so little time to do it in.

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You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself any direction you choose.
You're on your own. And you know what you know.
And YOU are the one who'll decide where to go...

- Dr. Seuss