I'm still alive.
Wednesday, Nov. 20, 2013 11:59 AM

"Once beneath the stars, the universe was ours... Love was all we knew, and all I knew was you... I wonder if you know. I wonder if you think about it... once upon a time, in your wildest dreams... " - The Moody Blues

I used to have trouble waking up. Now I have trouble falling asleep. What kind of existence is this? And why is it always one way or the other? I'm either blue or I'm red. I'm never in-between, hanging out in purple. People comment all the time that there's more than just black and white. They say there are definitely shades of gray. My world seems to want to jump from one extreme to the other with no stops in-between to play around in those infamous shades of gray. No. I'm either in the black or I'm completely in the white.

I feel like I don't have time for anything anymore, but then, at the same time, I feel like I have too much time on my hands. I imagine one day I'll be an old lady sitting on a park bench mumbling to herself because my mind will be so active, but my body will be completely inactive. It's bound to happen. It's one of my biggest fears. I fear ending up with Alzheimer's or dementia someday just like my grandparents. I'm constantly taking B-12 shots, as if the vitamin is the only thing capable of saving my mind from the inevitable fate of demise.

I feel like the mad hatter today. I feel like my brain is running a million miles a minute but my body is stuck in place. If I run around in circles will it do any good? These thoughts make me think of a book I just finished reading. It was about a schizophrenic person, and how they came to accept their disease after years of dealing with their mental illness. I read this book and I couldn't help but ask myself why I tested so high on the schizophrenic test my former therapist gave me, and why she asked me if I heard voices. I have never experienced anything close to what the lady in the book did. Was I borderline schizophrenic back then? Or was my anxiety levels so high that it wouldn't have made any difference if I was or not?

I don't know why I'm all over the place lately. Stress. Anxiety. Lack of sleep. Ignoring real life as much as possible while still staying on track with what needs to get done in order to survive and keep going....

I wish I was a dancer. If I was a dancer, I'd play super loud music and just take all this bottled up angst and frustration and stress and let it all out. Unfortunately, I'm super lazy lately and have no motivation to put any of these needs or wants into action.

I think I'll go get some lunch now. It's 12:18 and I'm starving all of a sudden.....

** Kent's bones are hurting him, but he's gained 11 pounds, he's no longer falling over every five seconds, and he's strong enough to feel extremely pissed off and emotional about everything going on. Let's see if I can get through his outbursts and have the patience to help him through this. **