Tuesday, Jan. 07, 2014 1:51 PM
"I'm tired of ignoring that I march to a different beat." - Charlie Sheen
Today, I am tired.
Last night my mind wouldn't shut up. My thoughts were all over the place. I can't even remember what I was thinking about, but it wasn't your normal everyday thoughts. I do remember that much. Some of the thoughts made me question my sanity.
I wish I could crawl underneath my desk. I'd hide behind the chair on the floor. I'd sit there with my knees pulled up to my chest and just hide. Knowing me, I'd probably start mumbling to myself or humming. It's bad enough I'd be curled up underneath the desk. People would question my sanity just from that, but to add in humming or mumbling, too?
I keep expecting some bright halo to break away from my skin and scream to the world, "This person has become enlightened! She is at peace with herself and she will forever be calm like a Buddhist monk. No bad thoughts enter into this mind. She judges no one, and has made right with the world." Except, I haven't made right with the world. I'm too tired to be anything, and when I'm not tired I'm far from calm. I become enlightened quite often, but I am always reminded about how human I am.
About the only break-through I have made recently on the path to true enlightenment is that there is absolutely nothing I can do to change my past, and I am forever destined to live with the consequences of my actions. I have to get it through my head that some of these consequences I'm going to have to live with for the rest of my life, so I am in the process of accepting their existence and how these consequences affect my current state of being. Of course, only time will tell how much they'll continue to affect me into the future. I just hope that I can continue to accept my part in all the negative ones so that I may at least attempt to move forward.
I have noticed that my attitude needs adjusting as well. I have become bitter over time, and this bitterness is affecting my ability to be happy. Along with this bitterness, I have also noticed that I assume too much. Expectations and assumptions can be a rightful bitch. Expectations usually let you down because reality can't always live up to them, and assumptions can knock you off your ass when you're wrong.
Assumptions run along right beside judgement - and I wonder if I've become judgmental because of all the assumptions I have made in the past. Are they bad assumptions? Some of them. It's not like I sit around all day and think happy perky thoughts, but I also don't sit around all day and assume horrible disgusting false truths about things or people either.
This is me. Take it or leave it. But here is the truth that lies deep within my mind and resides there no matter how wrong it may be:
I hate mankind. Not people in general or any particular person even... just mankind as a whole. To me, I feel it is wrong to take for granted our personal freedoms, to not appreciate the simple things in life. It drives me nuts when people complain about not having enough when they have more than most people have.
I feel like I can't relate to most human beings. They carry on conversations about all sorts of different things, usually something like sports or whatever their passion may be. I tell myself I don't share their passion and this is why I can't relate to them. I also tell myself that it's my social anxiety holding me back from carrying on a normal conversation - but I often wonder if maybe I can't hold a normal conversation because I'm not normal.
The part I hate about myself are the assumptions I make based on their behavior. I shouldn't assume they are one way just because they act a certain way. I mean, who am I to say that how they act is idiotic? Who am I to judge them for getting a tramp stamp or doing something like drinking every single day so they act like a tramp or a bitch or an asshole? Who is to say that they are actually being tramps, bitches or assholes to begin with? Is this something that was bred in me through society? Were these personal views and opinions pushed upon me by some random moral upbringing? Or are they just personal views that I believe because deep down I'm jealous they get to be a tramp, a bitch or an asshole? Just because they act a way I find unfitting doesn't give me the right to pass judgement upon them and find them unworthy. I should just accept who they are and stay clear of them since I don't want to socialize with people who act in these ways. Right?
This is one of the biggest dilemmas of sociology. Who is to say what is right and what is wrong? Who is to say what is moral and what isn't?
Ahhh. I can't continue to think like this. I need a break. I'm tired.