I once had a life, or rather, life had me. I was one among many or at least I seemed to be....


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Tuesday, Feb. 25, 2014 4:45 PM

“Even on the darkest night, my friend, life will have its way.” ― Justin Cronin, The Twelve

A lot has happened since my last entry. Not much I really want to talk about but I figure I should put something down. I'll make it brief and quick, even though some of it deserves more respect than a small mention.

First off, Kent's latest scans showed such vast improvement in his condition that he's able to go off hospice at the end of the month. Turns out his addiction to alcohol was the one thing killing him. Now that he's no longer drinking, his body is recuperating. He has terrible neuropathy and he's still slightly blind, but he's doing better.

Second, on the 25th of January, Kent's mom passed away. It was expected. She had COPD pretty bad and wasn't really with it the last couple of weeks. Fortunately she went in her sleep, which is a blessing. She didn't have a funeral or anything so, to me, it doesn't even feel like she passed on.

And......

Third, my parents are moving. It feels odd to have them move since they've lived in this house since 1992. They're moving back to Wichita, and as luck would have it, they sold their house in less than 2 weeks for more than they were expecting. Part of me is sad to see the house fall into another family's hands, but in the end it's just a house. It was a good home to live in for 4 years of my life. The new owners have young children so it will hopefully be a great home for them for a long time to come.

As for my house? It's a work in progress, as usual. I'm supposed to call Junk Boys, but I keep putting it off. I suppose I need to get around to it tomorrow. I have to call them to haul off a bunch of junk. I need to replace my carpet. I need a new fridge, washer and dryer, microwave, kitchen sink, stove, and bathroom toilets. Yep... feels like they're all going downhill at once. I need to clean, too, but instead of cleaning I just get pissed off because the second I clean a spot, Kent's made a mess in that same spot. It's like living with a grown child. I don't think I'm ever getting married again. Definitely can't stand living with him most of the time, so I think I'm meant to live alone.

Sadly, no work is getting done and I'm definitely to blame for that. I just don't have the energy to do anything. On top of that, I don't have the desire to have the energy to do things. There are a lot of factors at play here. I blame the weather, the stress in my life, and the fact that I'm pretty certain I'm depressed even if I'm not sad all the time. I sleep a lot. And by a lot, I mean a lot. Every weekend I go to bed around midnight and I can sleep until 6 PM the next day only to find myself going back to bed at midnight. I know this isn't healthy, but right now I don't really care.

I don't know when I'll care again. I'm sure I'll wake up from this slumber like existence and get with it someday, but right now I don't want too. I just want to wallow about in my tiredness, read a book, and sleep. And yes, I've been reading quite a bit lately. I think I've read 10 books this year already. I couldn't tell you. I finish one and I start another with very little respite between the two. I just finished the first two books to The Passage trilogy by Justin Cronin. I can't wait for the third installment to come out to finish it up. Pretty dark, end of the world, vampire induced, hope in humanity type literature. I've enjoyed it. Makes you think, which is the kind of book I like.. the kind that makes you think, "what if..."

I feel like I'm wasting the best years of my life, but I don't know how to NOT waste them when I'm in such a physical and mental slump. I hope I don't wake up 30 years from now only to find myself constantly regretting my lack of a past or something. I think that would be a fate worst than death. I already spend too much time thinking about the past and what I could have and probably should have done differently.

I wish I could just accept the past for what it is, box it up, and toss it over the side of a bridge. All nicely tied up with a box string. Maybe even neatly labeled. I wonder if it would float down the river or if it would be heavy enough to sink.

In 19 Seconds

Last Five Entries:

I Hate Mondays - Monday, Dec. 10, 2018
Just FYI - Monday, Dec. 03, 2018
Comfortably Numb - Tuesday, Nov. 27, 2018
PFA's and Finding Peace - Monday, Aug. 27, 2018
I didn't ask for all this drama! - Tuesday, Jul. 31, 2018


Other Diaries:

badbadzoot | callmepearl | candikurlz | catsoul
cocoabean | curious-me | illusionless | kenny-loo
musikoid | shewholies | starkitten | xorbit | Zenayda
jnw77 <-- My old Diary


You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself any direction you choose.
You're on your own. And you know what you know.
And YOU are the one who'll decide where to go...

- Dr. Seuss