I once had a life, or rather, life had me. I was one among many or at least I seemed to be....

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My mental state
Thursday, Feb. 27, 2014 12:06 PM

I've lived here ... my whole life. It's where I lost all my baby teeth. Where tiny hamster, gerbil, and bird skeletons lie in rotted-out cardboard coffins beneath the oak tree in our backyard. Also where, if some future archaeologist goes digging, they'll find the remains of a plush toy: a gray terrier named Toto I buried after the accident. ― Jennifer McMahon, My Tiki Girl

I keep getting distracted mentally from one task to the next. I'll be working on something only to find my mind wander. When it's done wandering, I'll find that I'm working on something else completely and still haven't finished what I first set out to do. It's been like that all week. To make matters even more complicated, I constantly have this feeling of being dizzy. It's like coming down off some sugar rush or something. It's all in my head. My body doesn't seem affected by these things going on, but my head does. It feels like something soft is on my forehead, but inside my head, not outside of it, and its stretching from one side of my head to the other. Not sure how else to explain the feeling.

I've been having strange dreams lately, too. Half the time I lay awake trying to fall asleep and I'm having conversations with myself. It's usually what I'd be writing in here if you could process what I'm thinking straight onto this screen. I find myself arguing a lot with people, saying things I'd love to say to them in the physical sense.

The other day when JR visited, I was in that state between being awake and asleep only to find myself dreaming that I was beating him up. In the dream, I kept hitting him over and over again and screaming. I don't even remember what I yelled, but I do remember the feeling of pure rage I felt. Everything about him pisses me off from the way he looks to how he acts. He's probably a normal teenage boy, but I despise him. I always thought I was the type of person who never hated anyone, but I actually hate him for some reason. It's like he's an enemy from a past life and from the minute he came into my world, there was this instant feeling of unease and bitterness that overtook me. Granted, with half the crap he's pulled and done to me over the years, I'm a bit shocked I haven't lopped him upside the head for real at least once.

I should consider myself lucky that I can list the people I dislike on only one hand. As for the people who dislike me? Eh, who knows how many that is, but it's probably a lot more than I'm aware of. For some reason, people seem to hate me and I don't know why. Is it something I said? Is it something I did? Is it how I act? Never mind the fact that these people who hate me don't know me at all, and I shouldn't even be wasting a minute thinking about how they dislike me. It's not like its affecting my life in any significant way. Yet, for some reason I feel responsible for this hatred and there's that worry wart inside of me who thinks I need to find a way to fix it.

What brings this up? Kent said the other day that JR's Aunt Heather hates me. Then again, what do I expect? JR badmouths me all the time, especially to his mother's side of the family. And of course they all assume I kicked him out of the house because I'm just a bitch like that who thinks I'm better than everybody else. And maybe I am? Maybe I do? What does it matter? These people have pissed me off and made my life hell for the last 6 years with their dramatic flair.

I'm not crying over it. I just wonder if it's a character flaw on my part, because I feel like I should be kind to everyone. I feel like I've become more judgmental over the years... more inclined to be a bitch who doesn't give a shit about equality and all that jazz like I should. Should I sit there and think, "well, yes.. he's just a teenager going through a phase." ?? I'm not sure, because I can't help but sit there and think, "You little shit. You disgusting little shit."

Before this relationship of mine, I was always like, "Well, nobody is normal. To each their own. IF it makes them happy then so be it." Yada yada yada... But now I'm like, "What in the world is wrong with you? What were you even thinking? Who screwed your head on?" I don't know if this is a whole coming with age mentality, or if a switch was flipped inside my head that's made me more inclined to be so..... oh, what is the word? Less liberal and more conservative perhaps? Who knows? Who knows? Who cares?

Now here's something for you that may make me seem extremely odd. I was reading an old People magazine the other day. It's from either the end of January or beginning of February. I'm not exactly sure. Anyhow, it mentions a kid that was kidnapped back in 2010 in it, and once I read about it, I couldn't help but think, "this kid is still alive but he won't be for much longer. He's living in Georgia now in the swamp land area." Then I kept thinking the word Tuscarora. So I looked up T towns in Georgia. No Tuscarora. Looked up counties. No Tuscarora. It's not even an Indian Tribe from the area, but there are Tuscarora Streets in various Georgia towns. And the other thing is, this kid didn't even disappear from the surrounding area, or nearby states so I don't know why my brain even did that. It did the same thing with that missing girl from England. It automatically said she's still alive too and is a sex slave in Lithuania. Lithuania isn't even remotely close to where she disappeared either. And who would have a sex trade operation in Lithuania, anyhow? I wonder if my mind is just coming up with random shit. Wouldn't it be something if it was right, though?

In 19 Seconds

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You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself any direction you choose.
You're on your own. And you know what you know.
And YOU are the one who'll decide where to go...

- Dr. Seuss