I once had a life, or rather, life had me. I was one among many or at least I seemed to be....


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Who am I?
Friday, May. 07, 2021 7:40 PM

“If people refuse to look at you in a new light and they can only see you for what you were, only see you for the mistakes you’ve made, if they don’t realize that you are not your mistakes, then they have to go.” – Steve Maraboli

I am falling into a depression, but I'm doing my hardest not to fall too hard. It has been 5 months since I became unemployed; and, while I know I am not in dire straits, I still feel as if I have failed somehow. There is so much I could have accomplished, many things I could have done, but I wasted away the hours sleeping. I have slept so much, my hours are off. I am up all night, and I sleep the day away.

Recently, it has come to my attention that I have become a bit self-absorbed. Perhaps all people who are self-centered like this are battling depression. I am less focused on others, their issues or situations, happy or not, so much so that I neglect to wish them congratulations and fail to wish them a happy birthday. Worst of all, I ignore the phone calls from friends who have done nothing but be there for me. I do not feel the energy to talk, nor do I feel the energy to listen. I am bitter of the past year and a half, angry at myself for, once again, not doing what feels right in my gut, but doing what is expected of me.

I do not want to spend the rest of my life looking back through the rearview mirror at a past that cannot be changed, but for some reason I can't help myself. Logically, I know it doesn't do me any good. I know I need to let it go and focus on the present and future. If I know these things, then why is it so hard to do so? It shouldn't be this difficult, should it?

What is keeping me from looking for a job? Why am I self-sabotaging myself? I was up by 5 PM the other day, and it took all my energy to go outside and pull the weeds in my backyard. I did get all my laundry done, which had been piling up for at least a month. I also remembered to take my pills this morning. That's one positive thing. I've been telling myself, "small steps. One step at a time, one day at a time." It's kind of working, but not as well as I hoped.

Over the past year, I've learned a lot about myself in therapy. The main thing that I've learned is that I don't know myself at all. I spent the majority of my life living to please other people, passively living up to their expectations of who I should be. When I couldn't live up to their expectations, I was put through a lot of grief. It was all unnecessary. They, whoever they all are, should have allowed me to find my own self. I should have loved myself more than enough to find out who I am. I can't blame them completely, but I can't take all the blame either.

The other thing I figured out is that I put the same expectations on other people. I expect them to behave in situations the way I would behave, to put forth the same amount of work ethic, to treat people with the same amount of respect. Truth is, if you live your life expecting others to be exactly like you, you're going to be let down 100% of the time. I'm working very hard on reminding myself that I don't control the actions or thoughts of other people, and that I should never assume that, just because I would do things a certain way, they will do things exactly like I would. It's probably a life lesson that I should have figured out 20 years ago. Maybe 20 years ago I had it all figured out, but I lost my way somewhere. I don't know.

That's all I can say for now. I don't know. I'm going to try to wake up everyday, accomplish at least one thing that needs to be done, and push myself to figure out the person that I am. Maybe if spend enough time searching, I'll eventually find out who that is.

In 19 Seconds

Last Five Entries:

This is who I am. - Monday, May. 17, 2021
Who am I? - Friday, May. 07, 2021
When one door closes.... - Thursday, May. 06, 2021
I don't know what to do. - Saturday, Sept. 14, 2019
Only Time Will Tell - Thursday, Aug. 01, 2019


Other Diaries:

candikurlz | catsoul | cocoabean | curious-me
illusionless | kenny-loo | musikoid | poetinthesky
starkitten01 | Zenayda | jnw77 <-- My old Diary


You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself any direction you choose.
You're on your own. And you know what you know.
And YOU are the one who'll decide where to go...

- Dr. Seuss