I once had a life, or rather, life had me. I was one among many or at least I seemed to be....

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One of those days...
Tuesday, Nov. 04, 2014 12:04 PM

“But if I'm it, the last of my kind, the last page of human history, like hell I'm going to let the story end this way. I may be the last one, but I am the one still standing. I am the one turning to face the faceless hunter in the woods on an abandoned highway. I am the one not running but facing. Because if I am the last one, then I am humanity. And if this is humanity's last war, then I am the battlefield.” ― Rick Yancey, The 5th Wave

I'm having one of those days. All I want to do is curl up into a ball and escape reality for awhile. I want to escape my mind and all the random thoughts that keep floating around me. This is nothing new, of course. I'm always like this. I've been rehashing it over and over again for years now.

Will there ever come a day when my past doesn't affect me? Will a smell or a certain noise fail to take me back to a moment in time that I don't want to relive? Try as I might, it always happens. Old wounds are reopened. I force myself to go through the motions. I make myself relive the emotions. If I don't, it lingers. If I don't, it snakes its way deep inside of me until I'm practically suffocating from it's existence.

This! This is what happened to me. This is what made me who I am. I cannot change it just as I cannot change the color of my skin. Am I capable of forgiving 100% even if I can never forget? Or will I always be trapped by the memories that resurface on a whim? I was so proud of myself fighting this invisible fight and not being a victim to circumstance - but here I am constantly reliving every detail, rehashing every single moment... a victim, but not by choice.

And I am not the only one. I am not alone in this fight. That saddens me more than I'd like to admit - me, who is so full of emotion, but am fighting all the time to never feel a thing.

In 19 Seconds

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You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself any direction you choose.
You're on your own. And you know what you know.
And YOU are the one who'll decide where to go...

- Dr. Seuss