I once had a life, or rather, life had me. I was one among many or at least I seemed to be....

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Not Much
Monday, Nov. 24, 2014 9:56 AM

I had the epiphany that laughter was light, and light was laughter, and that this was the secret of the universe. ― Donna Tartt, The Goldfinch

What did I do this weekend? I couldn't even tell you. I can barely remember myself. It wasn't anything important. Nothing life changing, that's for sure. But why can't I remember at least one thing I did?

Sometimes I fear that I'm going to lose my mind early, that all of these memory lapses are the beginning of something far greater than I can handle. I know I'm prone to Alzheimer's. It's hereditary on both sides of my mother's family. I know, after intensive research, that in our family it's caused by a lack of the B vitamin and hypothyroidism - both of which I have.

It doesn't seem to matter how many shots of the B vitamin I take, or what dose of Synthroid I'm on. My mind still loses gaps. I can't recall the name of certain objects. I'll stand there snapping my fingers trying to remember what "thing-a-ma-jigs" are called, what "what's his name's" name is, and where in the world I placed something important.

On the other hand, it could be stress. My cortisone levels are sky high. I'm constantly running on empty physically, and I'm always hungry or thirsty. Last night I lay in bed trying to fall asleep, but I had a panic attack. Or maybe I didn't. I'm not sure. I didn't feel all panicky mentally but my body felt tingly and I kept experiencing a random flutter in my chest. It could be from my hypothyroidism or it could be early onset congenital heart failure. Either way, I'm starting to sound like a hypochondriac.

In other news... our kitchen sink pulled away from the granite. First it started falling down on the left side. When this happened, the granite guys came out and hitched it back up with a board that they took from the construction site next door. They asked us what we did with the board that was supporting it. Of course, we had no idea what he was talking about. As if we'd climb under out sink and remove a board... After that, the right side started falling down. We had to call them up and get them back out to our house where they propped the right side up with another board.

I'm not sure why they didn't use metal clips like all the other houses have. I did my research. I know they came back and probably screwed me over with the boards instead of using the metal clips. I know why this happened. Online it says that it pulls away if the job is done in haste. They were in too much of a hurry. And guess what else? When they put the board into our island, they drilled a hole through the side of it. They did the same to the other side and went straight through our dishwasher. I'm not sure if they ruined the dishwasher itself or just went through the outside protective layer. Will this be an issue later on when we want to replace the dishwasher? I don't know! I'm dead tired of fighting with people to come fix things that shouldn't have had to be fixed to begin with.

There's a huge list of things that have gone wrong with this new house but the builder seems to want to ignore us and not deal with our issues. We can't seem to get them to respond to us. We're keeping documentation of our attempts to contact them via phone and e-mail, and I suppose when it comes down to it we'll just have to take them to court and turn them into the builders association, etc. It makes me sick to my stomach to think of all this crap I have to deal with right now.

I am tired. I am tired of dealing with everyone and everything. I feel like I'm constantly in some uphill battle, and just when I think I've almost reached the top, something else pops up and knocks me down the hill again. I should just resign myself to the fact that maybe I belong at the bottom of the hill in a brand new house that is falling apart in a body that's attacking itself from the inside out. One day, I'll just throw in the towel and surrender. Not yet, though. I may be severely tired, falling apart mentally and physically, but I think I have a little bit of fight left in me.

Just not much.


Just not much.

In 19 Seconds

Last Five Entries:

Life Update - Tuesday, May. 21, 2019
I had an epiphany! - Wednesday, Jan. 16, 2019
2019 Resolutions - Wednesday, Jan. 09, 2019
To New Beginnings - Tuesday, Jan. 08, 2019
My Christmas Weekend 2018 - Wednesday, Dec. 26, 2018

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You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself any direction you choose.
You're on your own. And you know what you know.
And YOU are the one who'll decide where to go...

- Dr. Seuss