I once had a life, or rather, life had me. I was one among many or at least I seemed to be....


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And so on and so forth.
Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 11:04 AM

“And that's the thing about people who mean everything they say. They think everyone else does too.” ― Khaled Hosseini, The Kite Runner

I feel like I'm going insane. I can't seem to hold onto a thought very long. You'd be surprised how hard it is for me to even type this sentence right now. I am literally forcing myself to concentrate. I keep "wandering" off with random thoughts that have absolutely nothing to do with anything. Should I just type those and see what happens? It would be less of a struggle.

Since when did my diary start having ads? I mean, even my old diary doesn't have ads in the corner and that's not a paid membership. I don't get it. Am I imagining this or do I have some kind of trojan on this computer I'm unaware of? What good is Kaspersky if it doesn't take care of trojans!? If that's the case, of course.

I sound so bitter anymore, like I'm constantly complaining about shit.

When was the last time I ate something that was to die for?

Note to self: do not cut your fingernails when your blood sugar is low and your hands are shaky. My poor right hand's middle finger is now a complete and total disaster. Poor thing. It hurts.

I keep having anxiety attacks or something. Maybe I'm overdosing on caffeine. Is that even possible? I say this as I sip from a can of Dr. Pepper.

I hate that fluttery feeling inside. Makes me feel alien to my own skin. Then again, my immune system is attacking my thyroid as if it's a foreign object inside my body. Yay to Hashimoto's Thyroiditis!

I could go for a nap right now. Literally. Just close my eyes and drift into la la land. Oh, how nice and sweet that would be.

Just had lunch and now I feel like my clarity is back in full motion. No more randomness here. My brain feels less foggy and all over the place.

I had a dream the other night that was odd. I was in the backyard of the house I grew up in. I came across a baby elephant who was a bit smaller than a normal sized baby elephant sitting in the grass. The baby elephant was dehydrated. There was this sense of urgency to give it water right away before it passed away. I took the hose and began to bathe and water the animal, urging it to drink as much as possible before it was too late. The elephant's color changed before my eyes. It became less sickly looking and quit lying on the ground. It's cheeks took on a pinkish color and it raised its trunk to speak at me. I then felt the need to feed the baby so I took a bunch of bananas and peeled them, urging the elephant to eat them. I woke up just as the elephant was taking its first bite, and all I could think was, "why in the world was I feeding a baby elephant bananas? That's what monkeys eat!"

I just looked up the dream meanings of cheeks, elephants, baby, and bananas online. Let's see... sunken in cheeks like the elephant had means sadness, hunger, poverty or struggles. Pink cheeks symbolizes enthusiasm, life energy and vitality. So far that's pretty obvious. The elephant symbolizes intellect, strength, power and faithfulness. To dream of one means I need to let go of my past and become more patient and understanding of others. To dream of a baby means new beginnings, innocence and warmth. A starving baby means I'm too dependent on others. To cover a baby in water means I'm regressing to a time in my life where there are no worries or concerns. A walking baby means there's a bright future ahead. And of course the banana is a metaphor for repressed sexual desires and urges. Figures on that last one.

So what do I take from this dream? It's pretty obvious isn't it? I am sexually repressed and too dependent on others. I need to stop looking to the past where I felt safe and start letting go. I need to look towards the future because it's full of potential and new beginnings. While doing so, I also need to be more patient and understanding of others.

Not a bad dream, I suppose. Definitely better than the one where I crashed into the ocean in a plane. Of course, if I were to interpret that one it would go like this: since a plane represents dreams and goals you wish to 'rise' and attain and water deals heavily with one's emotions, I'd have to say that being submerged into the ocean in a plane can only mean that I felt overwhelmed, especially emotionally, and incapable of achieving my dreams and goals because of this. Knowing my life and the past, this makes complete sense, too.

I can't believe Thanksgiving is in two days. Once again, I will not be going up to Salina to see my family in its entirety. I really don't want too. I don't feel like I belong with them anymore. They may be blood related but the thread that connects us is gone. At least, that's how I feel. Don't get me wrong. I love my family. I just can't relate to them.

As for my immediate family? My brother isn't coming from Portland, my two sisters are going to their in-laws, and my parents are coming to my house. Kent's family, who didn't invite us to their Thanksgiving, is having it at his brother's house and celebrating our sister-in-law's birthday. Not sure why we weren't invited, but it probably has to do with me. They seem to think I don't like it out there in the country. It has nothing to do with that. It's my severe allergies towards every weed and tree in Kansas, let alone all their dogs. Taking one allergy pill doesn't cut it for me out there, and if I take two I'm pretty much dead to the world.

I better just end this here. It's been 2 and a half hours since I started this entry.

My bucket list:

1. Come up with ideas for a bucket list.

In 19 Seconds

Last Five Entries:

I Hate Mondays - Monday, Dec. 10, 2018
Just FYI - Monday, Dec. 03, 2018
Comfortably Numb - Tuesday, Nov. 27, 2018
PFA's and Finding Peace - Monday, Aug. 27, 2018
I didn't ask for all this drama! - Tuesday, Jul. 31, 2018


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You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself any direction you choose.
You're on your own. And you know what you know.
And YOU are the one who'll decide where to go...

- Dr. Seuss