I once had a life, or rather, life had me. I was one among many or at least I seemed to be....

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What I want
Wednesday, Mar. 25, 2015 11:36 AM

I feel like there might be something that I'll miss
I feel like the window closes oh so quick
I'm taking a mental picture of you now
'Cuz hopelessly
The hope is we have so much to feel good about.

- Good Life, OneRepublic

I want to run. I want to take off. I want to feel endless hours of empty highway in front of me. I want to run into the middle of an open field and scream my head off.

I want to throw a temper tantrum. I want to take a baseball bat to a football dummy until the stuffing comes out. I want to dig my fingers into the earth until I'm covered completely in dirt.

I want to climb the highest mountain and jump off backwards. I want to climb over the railings of a bridge and jump off face forward. I want to dive off a cliff into open water and feel myself drown.

I want to let go.

I don't want to grow old. I don't want to feel like I'm mentally 18 but have the body of an 80 year old. I don't want to look into the mirror and wonder where my youth went.

I don't want gray hair. I don't want to lose my mind to Alzheimer's. I don't want to take a million pills just to get through one day. I don't want someone else taking care of me like I've gone backwards in time and I'm a baby again.

I don't want to be around when my parents pass away. I don't want to be alive when my cats pass on. I don't want to be here when Kent's illness finally takes him.

I don't want to worry about the future. I don't want to worry about carrying on my bloodline. I don't want to worry.

I just want to fall asleep and never wake up again.

In 19 Seconds

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You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself any direction you choose.
You're on your own. And you know what you know.
And YOU are the one who'll decide where to go...

- Dr. Seuss