So, you wanna play with magic?
Tuesday, Mar. 31, 2015 10:48 AM

"I owned every second that this world could give. I saw so many places, the things that I did. Yeah, with every broken bone I swear I lived." - I Lived, OneRepublic

I have the worst "lack of caffeine" headache in the world right now. On top of that, somebody in the office brought doughnuts to work today for the first time ever! And just when I'm on day 2 of my all protein diet. Figures.

I don't know if it's going to work, but I'm hoping to lose some weight before our family trip to Colorado this summer. Of course my parents choose to take us to a place that's for the physically fit, of which I am not at this particular moment in time. Nor is my husband. And I haven't decided if I want JR to go with us or not. On one hand, if he doesn't go, my husband will hate me for not including him. On the other hand, if he goes, it will be extremely awkward since my entire family thinks he's a "little shit" or a "sociopath," both of which are true. I figure I have a few months to make up my mind on that one.

Random thought: I really don't give a shit that Zayn Malik left One Direction. I don't care that he wants to be a "normal" twenty-something year old, yet he leaks music as a solo artist. Kids these days. They have no clue.

Yes, I called a twenty-something year old man a kid. Is it because I'm at least 15 years older than him, or is it because I've realized lately just how immature I was in my twenties? I think I'll go with the 15 years older thing since I don't think all 20 something year old's are immature. I just know that I was.

And sometimes I still am. I am so dependent on my parents, it scares me. Shouldn't I be more independent and grown up by now? I feel like I'm still a child half the time looking for approval and guidance.

I look back in time and realize that I spent the majority of my life living to please my parents and doing what I thought I was supposed to do because I'm a lemming. I have never stirred up major waves. I have always done what is expected of me. I made good grades in school. I rebelled the correct amount by drinking alcohol and smoking pot in my later high school years and early college days. I dyed my hair purple and got a tongue ring while I was out "finding myself" in college, neither of which lasted very long. Just a summer, if you want to be technical. All of which were "pay attention to me!" attempts after being raped. My submissive behavior was even apparent during and after the rape, too. Just do what he wants and it will all end soon enough was my thought process. And while I may have had more sex partners than most healthy adults, I even did that to please other people. I never did it for myself.

But enough about that. I don't want to reflect on my days as a victim or a submissive peon. The point is, I have spent the last 37 years of my life living for my parents and I don't know how that's going to affect me when they pass away in 20+ years. I have relied on them for so long that they are my security blanket. That's the best way to put it.

Sadly, living trying to please them is not their fault. It is mine. They have never hindered me from becoming more or doing more with my life. That is all on me. I don't know if it's a personality defect or not. When you get down to it, it has to be. I am a neurotic, anxious, slightly submissive, and generally stubborn woman.

Which brings me to my next point: I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. What else is new, right? I've been "here" before but never with such clarity. I look around me and see all these happy people. I see them relaxing in ways that my conservative side condemns but my non-conservative side desires.

I have always been a serious person who can only joke with like minded people, but I'm trying very hard to not take things so seriously and sensitively from the type of people who seem to naturally know how to relax and enjoy their lives. This is something I think I desperately need. I am so tired of being stressed out all the time. I just want to go with the flow and quit worrying about what disaster awaits around the corner.

Right now, I could really go for a nap but I need to get back to work. Duty calls.