I once had a life, or rather, life had me. I was one among many or at least I seemed to be....

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I am DONE!
Friday, Aug. 07, 2015 4:12 PM

“A family can be the bane of one's existence. A family can also be most of the meaning of one's existence. I don't know whether my family is bane or meaning, but they have surely gone away and left a large hole in my heart.” ― Keri Hulme, The Bone People

Update on my grandma: She was released from the rehab center at the end of July, but the night before last she ended up in the hospital. She had to have surgery to unblock some obstruction, and now she's in the ICU because she is suffering from some virus or infection. They haven't figured out what the infection or virus is yet - and I'm not allowed to go up to see her in case it's something that would be extremely harmful to Kent. Part of me knows this may be the end, but a little section of me hopes it's not the end. I'm not ready to feel loss again. Then again, is anyone ever ready to lose someone they love?

I see my cats aging. Their age is starting to show and I fear their passing. I know they may not pass away for another 5 years or so, but it still scares the hell out of me at the idea of losing them. Haley is 13 now and Comet just turned 11. I keep praying they'll be around into their 20's, but I'm never that lucky.

All I can think about is loss and death and the pain of losing someone. All I can think about is how much it's going to hurt. I don't want to live through that pain. I don't want to deal with the grief. I am already grieving and it hurts so bad. I don't even know what I'm grieving for when I haven't experienced a loss of a loved one for years.

Maybe I'm hormonal and overly emotional.

Now on to the family drama.

Last month I had to stuff billing for the company by myself. Why? Because the person who was supposed to help me stuff, JC, decided to take off for lunch and then spend the rest of the day drinking. He never showed back up and my dad was pissed. He almost lost his job over this and he wanted to blame me for "ratting" him out or something even though I had nothing to do with anything. I did my job. I stuffed the JIB and I listened to my dad rant and rave over the phone to my mom about it. Nothing else.

To make matters worse...... Our family vacation went okay as far as a family involving 16 people can go. The resort town we went too is not the place to visit during the summer. There was nothing to do. The highlight of the entire trip was the waterfall and the little chipmunks, a herd of elk, a mink (or weasel), and random groups of deer. I do not want to repeat another vacation with my family again. I will go with my parents or Kent but no one else.

JC got extremely drunk one night and grabbed my brother's beard and yanked really hard. Then he said, "You think you're so tough, don't you?" Then he hung on for awhile, let go, and then said, "That was a dick move." And my brother replied, "yes, it was." I could tell by his tone of voice he was extremely pissed off at JC. The next morning JC tried to apologize but my brother would have nothing to do with it. Now my sister won't talk to my brother, even though I don't think she knows the full or true story of events. I don't think Scotty even knows that she's not speaking to him.

Either way, there was a bunch of bitching from everyone about everyone and I felt trapped in the middle of it all. My 5 year old niece told me the other day she over heard her daddy and her Uncle B. talking behind my back. I won't say what she said to me. It hurts too much. I texted them and told them thanks a lot for such kind words then deleted their numbers from my phone. They responded stuff like, "you're actually going to believe a 5 year old?" Uhm.. yes. Five year old children are honest and unfiltered and often repeat what their parents say. Which is what I'm going to say if they ever bring it up to me again. They need to keep their mouths shut around children. Or just keep their mouths shut period. As for me, I am done with them. I know people bad mouthed others behind their backs the entire vacation and I know they do it even when we're not on vacation, but I guess that's what families do. I want nothing to do with it anymore. I am so fed up and tired of people talking. I am tired of sticking up for people who obviously don't stick up for me. I am just done.

On to JR: I'm hoping he joins Job Corp and moves out before the school year begins. He's still a sophomore credit wise, but he's supposed to be a senior this year. I don't think there's any way he's going to graduate since he can't even make a grade above 0.013% on his grade card. Yes, you read that right. 0.013%. Kids who at least show up to class and turn in half their work, even if it's not completed all the way, get better grades than that. DCF finally took us off their list and we no longer have to meet with them monthly. Nothing was accomplished and nothing changed - except that I feel nothing now for JR. It's as if this was the final event to sever all ties. Things are calmer at our house now that I don't give a shit what happens to him (as long as he's gone by the time he's 18). I'm working on getting him off our health insurance, too. The DCF lady even agreed that he should get his insurance through the state, especially since he'll be 18 next year.

The Chinese guy (I call him that because he is actually from there) who lives behind me keeps leaving his trash out. Storms and high winds keep hitting and blowing his trash cans over which means that his trash goes all over everyone's yards. He doesn't bag up his trash so it's always every single item they throw away. On top of that, he doesn't pick it up until one of us neighbors tells him he needs to. It keeps happening and it's annoying. He's also not mowing his yard properly. There are trees growing along the utility and electrical boxes and high weeds surrounding his house. It's very trashy looking. I finally got fed up with it and became a tattler. I e-mailed the HOA and they said the trash cans are supposed to be kept inside the garage and the landscaping is to be kept up so they are going to investigate and get a hold of him. I guess if that doesn't work I'll call the city code enforcement. Yes, it's that bad. And I'm deathly afraid of mice and they are all over his house and yard.

There is a silver lining to everything, and yet....

I still feel like doomsday is around the corner for me. I still feel like there's nothing to really hope for. I am depressed, and no amount of anti-depressant medicine is going to make it better. Now if only I could stop hoping I pass away before all the bad things hit.

In 19 Seconds

Last Five Entries:

Life Update - Tuesday, May. 21, 2019
I had an epiphany! - Wednesday, Jan. 16, 2019
2019 Resolutions - Wednesday, Jan. 09, 2019
To New Beginnings - Tuesday, Jan. 08, 2019
My Christmas Weekend 2018 - Wednesday, Dec. 26, 2018

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You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself any direction you choose.
You're on your own. And you know what you know.
And YOU are the one who'll decide where to go...

- Dr. Seuss