I once had a life, or rather, life had me. I was one among many or at least I seemed to be....

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Yes, it does.
Monday, Aug. 24, 2015 1:49 PM

β€œTo me, Fearless is not the absence of fear. It's not being completely unafraid. To me, Fearless is having fears. Fearless is having doubts. Lots of them. To me, Fearless is living in spite of those things that scare you to death.” ― Taylor Swift

I've been sitting outside on my front porch a lot lately. There's a toad that lives in our rock garden out there. The other day when I opened the front door, it jumped right into the house. Fortunately for me, my cat Haley was standing right by the front door watching. The toad saw Haley and turned around to jump back outside, but I had slammed the door shut in haste while screaming. I stood there bouncing around from foot to foot yelling for Kent to come release the toad from the confines of our house as the medium sized amphibian kept smacking itself up against the glass. The entire time Haley just sat there watching. Thankfully so. I wouldn't want her to cause the little thing any harm. Kent finally heard my screams and opened up the front door to let the creature out where it jumped off back to the safety of the rocks. I told Kent no harm shall come to the toad and that it's new name is Todd.

So, it's been a month and a half since I started Plexus. My swelling has gone down so much that I have ankles, feet, legs, fingers, and a face again. I'm no longer in severe pain and I'm bouncing off walls again. I don't have any issues bending over or crawling around on the floor again. People take this stuff for weight loss, but I started taking it to feel better - and I literally believe it gave me my life back. I've read up on it and I've seen a lot of negative reviews on the stuff, but it has been nothing but a god send to me. I can't even begin to explain how much better I feel physically, which is making me feel better mentally.

Don't get me wrong. I'm still morbid. I still don't want to grow old. I still don't want to live through the future deaths of my beloved husband and cats, my parents, or even my grandma. I don't want to deal with the aftermath of all this incoming grief, or live long enough that I rely on someone else just to go to the restroom. But, in the meantime, I do feel better physically.

I still think I need to make a bucket list and do all that I can do before I can't do it anymore. Patience is a virtue and I must be patient enough to wait until I am physically capable of doing the things I want to put on the bucket list. It just depresses me to see all these 20 something year old people out there chasing life while I'm stuck in a 37 year old body with the mentality of a 20 year old. Is this how it's going to be when I'm 80 something? I'll have the mentality of a 20 year old but the body of an 80 year old? Sounds like hell to me. How do the elderly do it?

I went with my mom to visit my grandma last night. I haven't seen her in almost a month. She knew who I was but she thought I was still in high school. When I told her I was done with high school, she then asked me if I planned to go to college. I said, "I'm done with college already." Her eyes got real big as she said, "You are?" I just nodded my head yes. She goes, "Well, time sure flies by real fast!" Yes, it does. Yes, it does.

In 19 Seconds

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Life Update - Tuesday, May. 21, 2019
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You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself any direction you choose.
You're on your own. And you know what you know.
And YOU are the one who'll decide where to go...

- Dr. Seuss