Sigh
Wednesday, Oct. 07, 2015 3:08 PM

“What the future held for her she didn't know. Of two things only she was certain. There would be children-her own or other people's-and there would be books.” ― Alice Dalgliesh, The Silver Pencil

My grandma passed away on September 25. The night she passed away, the lamp in my living room was acting funny. It was as if the light bulb was having a seizure. I kept checking the lamp out but nothing was wrong with it that I could tell. Anyhow, I'm not sure if it was the same night Grandma passed away, but Kent says it was, so I'm going with it. I do remember I went to bed early that night. Around 9:45 I was woken up because I was gagging on my own spit, and I had the worst heartburn I've ever experienced. I couldn't go back to bed after that. I ended up staying up all night curled up on the couch watching TV. Sometime during the night, I felt as if someone reached out and stroked my hair. At first I thought it was just a strange feeling, but when I found out later that day she had passed on, I knew for certain it was Grandma saying goodbye.

On that night, my mom was at Grandma's house with my aunt and the lights went out when they were hugging. They came back on and then went out again. After they came back on a second time, they stayed on. No other lights in the neighborhood went out. My aunt said, "Ring twice, then hang up." That's what their dad always told them to do to let him know they made it home safely, so it was as if he was telling them Grandma made it to the other side. I don't know if anybody remembers or not, but I swear Grandpa did the same thing after he died. For some reason, I keep feeling like this is a Deja-vu kind of moment.

I cried the day she died, but I haven't cried much since then. I don't think I've allowed myself time to process the fact that she's actually gone. I feel as if I've been on autopilot for weeks now, just existing and going through the motions. For awhile I couldn't sleep at night, and I kept myself busy during the day helping plan her service and take care of a few odds and ends. I couldn't help but feel as if I was in the way, though. It was her kids' decisions to make, but I know what she wanted and it felt important to make sure she got that. If I pissed her kids off in the process, so be it. She told me what she wanted, and I'd be damned if I didn't follow through with her wishes.

As for the rest of it... It was a busy week/weekend with the family with a lot of comfort food. While it felt good to be around some of them, by the end of it all, I felt emotionally and mentally exhausted. Social events, even if they are done with family, wear me out.

I know I am depressed, or maybe even grieving without knowing that I'm grieving, but I feel extremely out of it. I can't concentrate at work. I'll get through one task and realize I should have put more importance on another task. When I'm at home reading, I'll stare blankly at the page, look up at the clock, and realize hours have passed but I haven't processed a single word. Nobody has noticed it yet, but eventually this will catch up to me.

I know that the sadness is going to overwhelm me eventually, but until that moment comes, I'll just continue to go through the motions.