Bitch Session 105
Friday, May. 08, 2009 11:41 AM
�Whatever spiteful fools may say,
Each jealous ranting yelper,
No woman ever went astray,
Without a man to help her.�
- Abraham Lincoln
Is it completely normal to absolutely dislike a child? I mean, it's not like I hate him or anything. I do like him most of the time. It's just that there are times when he frustrates the hell out of me. There are times when I just wish he'd go away for awhile. And when I feel this way I feel absolutely guilty.
Here I am raising a man's son that's not my own. I feed him, I clothe him, I shelter him, and even if you don't believe it, I love him. His mother isn't a permanent fixture in his life. She never has been. You can't rely nor depend on her for anything. Yet, tomorrow is his birthday and he invited her to his party. The party's being held at my parents' house - and for some odd reason, I really don't want her there. I know the day isn't about me. It's about him. He should be able to invite whomever he wants... but then there's that small part of me that feels slightly disrespected because it's going to be such an awkward moment.
His dad doesn't get it. His dad thinks I should jump into this putting most of my feelings aside for the kid. And then he takes it out on me when I don't agree. Lately, there's been a lot of tension between the two of us. The closer our wedding date gets, the more we argue with each other. And it's mostly about either my family or his kid. He's so freaking paranoid about my family that its driving me crazy. And with all this fighting going on over his kid, I'm beginning to dislike the child.
I don't hate him, and I do love him. Maybe I don't love him as deeply as I would one of my own children, or maybe not as deeply as I should, but I do care. That doesn't mean, however, that I don't love him. I'm just completely frustrated with him sometimes. There's only so much I can do to discipline him without being overbearing, yet no matter what I do, I am the overbearing parent who seems to harp on him for everything. Or at least that's how I feel these days.
But shouldn't I be able to have a clean car? Shouldn't I be able to walk through my living room without stepping on top of a pile of cars? Shouldn't I demand that he clean his room at least once a week or once every other week? Shouldn't I be able to have a family and a living room that's orderly and neat and worthy of having guests over too? Well? Shouldn't I?????
Shouldn't I get on him when he's tormenting my cats? It's no wonder they hiss at him all the time. He won't leave them the hell alone when they want to be left alone. He just keeps annoying them to the point where they freak out.
My god. Right now I just want to pack my stuff up and take the kitties to a hotel room for awhile. Right now I want my house back to the way it was before this kid destroyed it. Right now I want to be able to drive into my garage and not be bombarded by the overpowering scent of cigarette smoke. Right now I want to be able to walk into my garage door without the bottom falling off. Right now I want to walk into my living room that used to be clean and tidy and stain free. I want my kitties to roll over on their back to greet me.
I want to walk into a kitchen where the island is free of clutter and the dirty dishes are in the dishwasher and the floor is clean from any debris. Right now I want to go downstairs and see my perfect living room the way it used to be when it was just that... completely perfect. There weren't any toy guns or toy cars lying around. The cushions were always on the couch in their proper place and the beautiful rug was laid out without being bent up all over the place. The bathroom was neat and tidy. Last time I went in there there was a freaking poop stain on the toilet cover. Who knows how long its been there? And why didn't he tell us it was dirty?
And when I walk into my former guest bedroom, it's now a ten year old boys room. A ten year old boy who has completely destroyed the walls and likes to live in such disarray that it's a wonder he can even walk to the bed at night. Last time he didn't clean his room, I cleaned it for him. And I'm going to continue to do so whether he likes it or not. Does this make me the bitch he says I am? Maybe so. I'm almost to the point of NOT caring what he thinks about me because he has me so pissed off and in a tizzy most of the time anymore.
And then there's his other side of the family. His dad is constantly paranoid/anxious about them because they're like characters from a Jerry Springer episode. They're constantly stirring up drama and making life a living hell for all associated with them. And he went and invited his mother to my mother's house without even asking and we're all going to have to deal with it and pray she doesn't stir shit up or that her drunk sister doesn't show up and cause a scene.
JR told me that his mom's side of the family held a separate birthday party for him every year. Now I'm finding out they never did nor do. I mean, what the hell is wrong with this kid? Does he like to make shit up so it sounds like his mother actually cares? Is he that disillusioned by the whole thing? If it's not one thing, it's another. It's like he's convinced himself of false truths, or he's creating stories about things that aren't true. How many times have I caught him in a lie? Too many times to count.
And it's always, "Poor JR this and Poor JR that" when it comes to everything. Well, you know what? I know a lot more people out there who have worse lives than he has. He shouldn't be complaining. Granted, he's in that child state of mind where the whole world revolves around you and only you.... but still. And he got pissed off at his dad the other day for not playing football with him longer than 30 minutes. I mean come on. At least his dad played with him for 30 minutes. He could have not played with him at all. My dad never played with me. My mother never did either. I was too busy playing with other kids. That's how it was.
Oh, to hell with it all. I have to get back to work. I think I need a drink. A long tall one where I can get completely trashed and tell the world to go fuck itself right now.
