Little Boy Blue
Wednesday, Sept. 26, 2012 4:56 PM

"He had the sensation of stepping into the dampness of a grave, and it was not much better because he had always known that the grave was there and waiting for him." - George Orwell, "1984"

You never think it will happen to you or the people closest to you until it does. Then it's like a slap in the face. "Hello, there! I'm here and there's nothing you can do about it." In some cases, there isn't anything you can do except have hope.

My brother is sick. My beautiful baby brother found out this summer that he has HIV. When I found out, it felt like the pit of my stomach had fallen out. This isn't really something you ever imagine hearing in your life... that is, until it happens.

"My god, Scotty," I remember saying. "Do you know who gave it to you?" Yes. Yes, he did. Another young man in a different serious relationship who contacted it from his partner who neglected to tell him that he had contacted it. And all I could think to say in response was, "Well, that was terribly nice of him." Followed by an "at least it's not like it used to be. They have medicine now days to prolong your life. Heck, by the time you're older, maybe they'll even have a cure." But what do I know?

When he told my sisters, they both started crying. I had to wonder why I didn't cry, why I haven't cried yet. Am I in denial? Is the truth going to hit me later on when I least expect it and cause me to fall to the ground in a ball of sadness? I only think about these things because Scotty mentioned to me that I was the only one who didn't show much emotion. I told him I wasn't sure why I didn't. In my mind I was thinking, "it's not the end of the world so why focus on the negative things associated with it? After all, it's not like it's full blown AIDS." In response he said he thought it was because he just added a bunch of more crap onto my plate. I had enough to deal with considering Kent's cancer. This just added to the pile.

Maybe he's right. It's all one big pile of crap, and the only way I can make it through the day is to hold it at arms length. Yet, is it really at arms length if I'm mentally processing everything and not ignoring it?

I feel bad for my brother. I really do. I can't imagine what he's going through knowing that with one bad decision he shortened his lifespan by decades. He made it impossible for him to work in certain fields like healthcare, and he denied his partner the trust that Tom deserved by not practicing safe sex. (Not that I understand why they had/have an open relationship to begin with.) Then there's that tiny little voice in the back of my head that says, "well, he knew the consequences, he took the risks, and now he has to live with the consequences of his actions." And there's not anything he can do to change the past, nothing I can do to repair what he has done.

Now he's in a state of deep depression. He was always depressed before. It's a bad disease that I swear runs in my family much like cancer. His depression now days is just ten fold. His emotions are so up and down lately that they diagnosed him with bipolar disorder... and now he wants my parents to pay bucko amounts of money to send him to some psychiatric hospital to see if they can cure him of his blues.

My mind is taking the harder approach to things. I'm probably 100% wrong, but I can't help what I think. I think he's very good at running away from things. I think once things don't go right for him in a small or large aspect, instead of facing these issues and dealing with them head on he bolts away from them. I also think that the main thing he's running away from is himself. Sadly, I can't straight out tell him that no matter how far he runs, all he has to do is look in a mirror and there he is. How can I tell him these things? They are blunt and who knows if they are right. Plus, how do you speak to someone when they're not ready to start paying attention?

This makes me, once again, fall into thinking about the past. The things I went through were emotionally traumatizing for me, but can they compare to what he's going through? I remember being so depressed I couldn't find my way out. Yet, somehow I did and I can't remember exactly how. I wish I could remember. I feel as if I could remember, I'd be able to help him out.

But what good would my words be to him when he's unwilling to listen? Would he just take my advice in one ear and throw it out the other? That's the thing about people who need help. You never know if the aid you offer them will do any good, let alone sink in and make an impact.

All I know is that ever since he told me, I imagine little tiny creatures who look like bugs floating through his blood stream ready to pounce and attack his immune system. I wonder what it must be like knowing that one day your death will come, and knowing that it will most likely happen because of something living inside of you that you can't dispell.

I think about Kent and his cancer. He's gone through the same emotions Scotty has... the severe depression, the meaning of life, the stress of knowing that you may not be around much longer to see your surroundings and touch the people that you love. Even with chemo, Kent's cancer can't be cured. He'll never find himself in remission because of the type of cancer that he has. (Zollinger Ellison Syndrome for those who don't know.) Scotty will never find himself cured of HIV. Both of these men in my life need a miracle because that's what its going to take to give them their futures back.

Kent's in so much pain physically he doesn't have much of an existence. To those of us who don't understand his pain, we wonder why its so difficult for him to pick things up off the floor, why he can't take a shower on his own, why it takes a thousand minutes for him to walk just a few steps. Scotty, however, still has the power within him to do great things and accomplish so much. He could run a marathon, climb Mt. Everest, get a job working at a desk (which he won't grow up enough to do - which also adds to his depression because he's not doing anything productive), take a trip around the world or even discover a new species.

I think this is why I don't feel the sadness my sisters do. I know he still has life left in him. He just has to figure out how to live it.