Sunday, Feb. 24, 2013 4:05 AM
“The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward.” - Steve Maraboli
Maybe it's the happy pills, maybe it's not. All I know is that I feel a strange sense of calm surrounding me. After the last two weeks or so of feeling extremely anxious on the inside and then utterly horribly sad, this feeling is a god send. It gives me clarity to look back at the last five months of my life and evaluate it for what it is and what it was.
Let's just be honest here. I needed Frank. I needed him to realize what I was missing in my life. I needed him so that I could wake up to the reality of my marriage. What I didn't count on through this whole thing was developing feelings for a man I know I would never have. I think I was in an extremely vulnerable place and I latched onto him because of it. I am grateful for the months of support and friendship. I just wish I hadn't allowed myself to fall victim to yet another heartache.
On the plus side, I have found out who my true friends are these last two weeks. For the first time in my life, I had people surrounding me and holding me up. They brought laughter into my life when there was only tears, and stood by me while I battled through this last depression. If it wasn't for them, I don't think I could have made it through all of this in such a timely manner.
I'm afraid of falling back into despair. It's a scary place to be. I don't want to think anymore. I don't want to obsess over something that is out of my control. I don't want to keep staring at my reality and hating what I see.
People say that I am strong, but I feel weak. I feel weak because I can't get out of my current situation and put myself first. I just wish I had someone with a lot of strength to help me figure out what to do because this is where I am most weak. I am extremely indecisive and lack the motivation to act and do.
I am afraid that I wanted Frank to be the one to help me leave my current situation. But when he went off and found a relationship with someone else, I felt rejected, my ego was bruised, and all the hope I had of an escape went flying out the door. I wanted him to be the one because he made me happy. I wasn't using him. If I had been, I wouldn't have tried so hard to develop our friendship. I do not blame him for seeking a relationship with someone else. I do not blame him for wanting happiness. We all seek these things in life, do we not? Had I been him, I would have done the same thing. I would have gone with the younger more giggly one who most likely has a lot less baggage, myself. If I had been in his shoes, I would have done the same thing, I'm sure. So I can't blame him for bruising my ego. I can only accept the fact that our relationship, whatever it may have been, has run it's course.
So like all things in my life, and all relationships from my past, I pushed it out the door. Have I not grown as a person if I can't be friends with someone who has "hurt" me? Even now that I have come to the conclusion that the hurt was my own fault for creating false illusions brought on by a desperate hope that suddenly became an expectation? Will I ever learn to stop pushing people away? I feel like I reacted like a child. Someone my age shouldn't be doing such a thing, but I wonder if I react like a child because of some deep rooted childhood traumatic event or something. I do know I need to work on that, to find a way to overcome pain in a more rational way.
So yes. I told him goodbye. It feels strange to say those words to someone, as if you are closing a door on some part of your life. I'd say that I locked the door and threw away the key but the rational me knows it will remain unlocked because that side of me knows that a friendship had been made and those bonds do not need to be cut. Does it hurt me to let him go? Yes. Does it hurt me to think of him with another? Yes. Will it matter six months from now? No. And that's what I'm holding onto... the fact that, in time, I will have moved on completely. I will have let it all go. I will have distanced myself enough from him to value him in the right way. I will finally be the friend I am meant to be, the kind of friend that he deserves.
For now, I am letting go if only in the sense that I am moving on. Whatever the future has in store for me is unknown. This scares me. I'm not afraid to admit that. But I do know that moments happen in one's life that completely change them forever, and it is within these moments that we become who we are meant to be. I also know that when you least expect it, people are brought into your life when you need them most. And I'm holding onto that, as well, and I'm not letting go of it.