I once had a life, or rather, life had me. I was one among many or at least I seemed to be....

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What the crap?
Thursday, Mar. 07, 2013 3:39 AM

"Decide in your heart of hearts what really excites and challenges you, and start moving your life in that direction. Every decision you make, from what you eat to what you do with your time tonight, turns you into who you are tomorrow, and the day after that. Look at who you want to be, and start sculpting yourself into that person. You may not get exactly where you thought you'd be, but you will be doing things that suit you in a profession you believe in. Don't let life randomly kick you into the adult you don't want to become." - Astronaut Chris Hadfield

I think that quote sums it all up very nicely. I don't like who I was, I don't like who I've become, and I'm terribly afraid of waking up one day and seeing that I have become someone I don't like. Right now, I don't like myself very much. I wish I had never been born. I think it would have made life easier for a lot of people.

I've tried to drug myself with happy pills, but all they do is help me get through the days without cutting myself. And my god, I wish I could just cut myself. You have no idea how hard it is to not take a razor or a knife and slash words across my skin. I have to bite my lip a lot, dig my fingernails into my thighs, and try so hard to focus on something else.

On top of that, I've become quite numb to emotion and some inner bitch seems to be coming out of me. Words slip out of my mouth or from my fingers and they seem harsh, bitter, angry, frustrated, annoyed... I want to slam my fists into some punching bag and scream while I'm doing it. I want to take a baseball bat and beat the shit out of that punching bag until the stuffing comes out. And it doesn't seem to matter how much exercise or yoga I do, I am left completely dissatisfied. Like I want to run and keep on running. Never stop. Never look back. Just keep on running until my body is completely exhausted and worn out, and I can't breathe anymore... and I pass out.

Which I've been doing a lot of lately, for some reason. I laugh and then I start coughing and then I start choking, and the next thing I know I'm lying on my side on the floor, having fallen out of my chair. And I don't know how long I've been lying there, or how I got there. And I get up and the next day I have bruises all over my arms and thighs and sometimes my forehead (probably from hitting the desk).

And I'm pushing people away again. I'm saying things to them to make them leave, pushing their buttons until they can't take anymore. Why do I do such things? If something doesn't go my way or isn't how I want it to be, then I say, "fuck off." In my head only, of course. And I want them to hurt like I'm hurting or something morbid like that. Or maybe I want them to hate me so eventually it doesn't hurt so much and I'll have an excuse to not drag out the pain. I don't know. I really don't, but I hate that part of me. I hate it. And I try so hard not to be like that, to grow away from that kind of person, to fight the demons inside of me and not push people away.. to not think negative thoughts and be so insecure in myself, but in the end there she is.. that part of me peeking out and taking over. And when she does I have no control over it until so much damage has been done that there's no turning back.

I have reached a negative place in my life right now. No words or positive thoughts seem to help cure me of this funk. I'm not rock bottom, but I might as well be. I'm not suicidal, but god, I wish I was dead.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

In 19 Seconds

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You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself any direction you choose.
You're on your own. And you know what you know.
And YOU are the one who'll decide where to go...

- Dr. Seuss