I once had a life, or rather, life had me. I was one among many or at least I seemed to be....

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Serenity is Mine
Friday, Mar. 15, 2013 6:08 PM

“Maybe you can afford to wait. Maybe for you there's a tomorrow. Maybe for you there's one thousand tomorrows, or three thousand, or ten, so much time you can bathe in it, roll around it, let it slide like coins through you fingers. So much time you can waste it. But for some of us there's only today. And the truth is, you never really know.” ― Lauren Oliver, Before I Fall

I just spent the afternoon with my mom and we had the most beautiful conversation. We talked about life, about past regrets, about hopes for the future, about my marriage and inability to have children, about my sisters and brother, about Kent and his illness, about JR, and so much more. We talked about what happened last night in my house, how JR finally broke down and cried a little bit for his mother, how he admitted to me that he lives with so much guilt over how he treated her while she was alive, how he hates the way he treats his dad sometimes but he can't seem to help it, how he's so sorry he's done things to me that have affected our relationship negatively, and most importantly, how he absolutely hates himself. So now I need to figure out how to make him see that he's not a horrible person, he's not "trash" (as he put it), and how to help him ease out of this guilt he feels over his mother's death and past actions. I'm not exactly sure how to go about doing this, but I'm going to try very hard.

Anyhow, by the end of our talk, my mom told me she had been praying for me. She said that she has been praying to God to soften my heart, and its finally being answered. I told her, "I used to have a soft heart. I don't know what happened." She said, "Life happened. Some of the things that happen to us in life harden us."

I told her I wanted to start going back to church so this Sunday I'm meeting up with my parents and going to mass. This is the next phase of my transformation... to find myself again, and bring back the good qualities of the person I used to be. I miss church. It was a huge part of my upbringing and life. I've been thinking about going back for awhile now but I never acted on it before. Now I'm going to act on it because I'm tired of just talking about things and not doing them. The one thing I have always admired about my brother is that he gets things done. He acts. And since I want to be that kind of person, too, there's no better time than now to become that kind of person.

I look back at my past entries, especially the ones about Frank, and I think to myself, this man served his purpose. He came into my life to jump start this whole process, to push me into the place I needed to be to become the mother I am meant to be to JR, and the friend I am meant to be to Kent.

I can't believe how selfish I've been in the past, how wrapped up in my own self-absorbed world I was. I was trapped inside a bubble that was very hard to pop but it definitely needed popping. So I can't regret the past or what became of Frank and I's relationship. I can only appreciate it for what it was.

I don't hate him. I don't want to hate him. Hating is a way for people to hold onto somebody, but it only causes the person who hates pain. For awhile I was very angry with him, very heart broken and upset. I went through the emotions, felt the loss of the friendship, but in the end I only gained something. He was the catalyst for me getting my life back on track. So, no. I do not hate him. I do not regret our friendship. Someday we may be friends again, but if we're not I am completely okay with that. I am over him and have forgiven him for his part in all of this. I sent him one last text apologizing for my immature harsh words, told him I knew sorry wasn't good enough sometimes, but all I have are words. Then I deleted his phone number from my phone, deleted his e-mail from my e-mail, mailed him all the gold I had on my WoW characters to pay him back for the things he bought me in the game, and said goodbye in my heart and in my mind. I have let him go completely. This is the last you'll ever hear about Frank because I HAVE moved on.

I feel very calm. I have an inner peace inside of me today that I haven't felt in years. After my mother left the office, I found myself smiling (something I don't do enough of lately). I climbed onto Facebook and left random people little messages to let them know I'm thinking about them. I'd do it for everyone, but I have over 500 friends on there! Maybe I'll do it to random people at random while I'm thinking about them. Doesn't it feel good to know somebody is thinking about you?

Well, it's time for me to pack up my bags and head home. Tonight I am making JR and Kent play board games with me. We'll see how that goes. All I know is that this child needs a family, and God has chosen me to give it to him. I'll let you all know how it goes later. Have a great weekend everybody and enjoy St. Patty's Day!!

In 19 Seconds

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You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself any direction you choose.
You're on your own. And you know what you know.
And YOU are the one who'll decide where to go...

- Dr. Seuss