Wednesday, Mar. 20, 2013 4:10 PM
“I thought I was your destination. Looks like I was just another stop on the line.” ― Neil Gaiman, Fragile Things
Ryan asked me yesterday how the nun life was going so far. It made me stop and think, which we all know I'm good at doing. There's no way I can be a complete and total nun. Not in this lifetime. I just need something to grasp onto, something to hold it all together with, something to calm me down on the inside. That's why I'm going back to church and living my life for others right now. It helps keep me together, because if I focus too much on myself, especially right now, I know I'm going to fall apart.
I'm trying very hard to be happy. Being happy shouldn't be this hard, should it? There are days when I'm happy without trying, but most days I have to try very hard to be happy. Some days I just have to accept are going to be bad days. I just don't want to have every single day be a bad day. Thankfully the happy pills are keeping control over my emotions right now. I don't know what I'd do to myself if I was feeling emotional all the time.
It's been a good week so far. I've been spending evenings with Mike and Gilly and sometimes AJ. I don't know what I'd do without certain people in my life. I think I'd feel lost, extremely lonely, and let's just admit it... sad. I hope I'm never alone. I fear that the most in the world.. being completely alone.
God, I feel dizzy right now. I always seem to feel dizzy lately, like my head is spinning. I have to close my eyes and try not to topple out of my chair. It has to be my blood sugar. I can't think of anything else. I should go to the doctor and get this checked out.
On another note, my yoga teacher resigned. SAD loss. Extremely sad loss. I credit Michelle with giving me my life back, and now she's gone. Something to do with not getting along with the head of the department. Now I don't know what I'm going to do.
Jorge is outside my window working. He's such a hard worker, and I find myself looking forward to seeing him everyday. He always has such a big grin on his face. I wish I did. Sometimes we just stand there and stare at each other. This creates awkward moments for everybody else, maybe even for the two of us. I'm not sure. I feel comfortable just staring at him, but I wonder if he's trying to figure out what to say to me. Or maybe he's working hard to translate his Croatian into English. At least I think he's Croatian. I know he's Slavic. Maybe Czechoslovakian. I always wonder to myself, "why can't I have a man like that? Someone who is healthy, happy, and hard working?" Then I feel bad because I made a commitment to a man who is sick.
Will I ever be happy? Or content? Or satisfied with what is instead of dreaming of what if? Accepting the facts instead of hoping for what isn't? And even if I did get all that I long for, would I even be happy with it?