I once had a life, or rather, life had me. I was one among many or at least I seemed to be....


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Good grief!
Friday, Jul. 05, 2013 12:26 PM

'Cause I don't wanna lose you now
I'm lookin' right at the other half of me
The vacancy that sat in my heart
Is a space that now you hold
Show me how to fight for now
And I'll tell you, baby, it was easy
Comin' back here to you once I figured it out
You were right here all along....

- Mirrors, Justin Timberlake

It's been awhile. I had nothing to say, but now I do. A lot has happened since my last entry so I'll get right to it.

First of all, my brother Scott had a brain infection. I don't know the details. He's been at his house hooked up to an IV. From what Kent has told me, though, they are making great strides in Boston in curing HIV. They treat it like cancer, I guess, and do a bone marrow transplant. I guess we'll keep hoping and have faith he'll be one of the lucky ones.

Second, I believe my grandma has finally gone and lost it. Two weeks ago she called Kent and I up on the phone and said that she heard us in her house rifling through her stuff and stealing her wedding bands. We haven't been over there in months mostly due to us both being sick, so this blew us away. I thought maybe she had a lucid dream or something, or overheard my aunt and her boyfriend so I didn't think anything of it. A couple days later her rings were found in her kitchen drawer.

Then, less than a week ago, I'm jarred awake by a phone call and I hear Kent saying, "Okay, I'll wake her up but I don't appreciate you saying that about my wife." He hands me the phone and the first thing I hear is my grandma calling me a, and I quote, "fucking little bitch."

The conversation went like this:

"You fucking little bitch. How dare you come into my house and steal my rings."

"Grandma, I didn't take your rings. I don't know what you're talking about."

"You and your little tramp of a friend..."

"What little tramp? I don't have any female friends."

"You tell that little tramp to stay out of my house, you little bitch. How dare you come in, take my rings, put them back, then take them again."

"Grandma, you need help. You've lost it. Have you been taking your meds?"

"You little bitch."

"That's it, Grandma. I am hanging up with you right now and I am calling my mom."

And then I hung up the phone and started dialing my parents who, for the life of me, would not answer their phones. It was around 9 AM in the morning, I'm sicker than sick to my stomach from medications I'm on (which I will get to in a minute), and I can't get a hold of my vacationing parents. I'm dialing both of their cell phones like crazy over and over again because I was determined to get a hold of them. Turns out my mom was on her cell phone talking to my grandma who decided to call her right away and give her some choice words about me. I finally got through to my dad. My mom told me to ignore any phone calls from Grandma and to try not to take it personally because she was obviously turning into her own mother, Granny, whom I hate to this day because she was so mean to everyone.

So I tried to let it go, but my mind couldn't process all of it at the moment. I mean, what do you do when your own grandmother whom you have done nothing but love and respect calls you a "fucking little bitch" and is accusing you of breaking into her home and stealing her wedding bands? The ones that she keeps misplacing. The first time they found them in her sunglasses case. I was hurt, and I thought, "Oh my god. The last conversation I'm going to have with my grandma is her calling me a fucking little bitch!"

Then, the other day while I was lying on the couch still sick to my stomach from the meds, the doorbell starts ringing like mad. Kent answers the door and my grandma is standing there. Both of us assume maybe she's here to apologize or something but instead she walks in and the first thing she says is, "There's that little bitch." And she goes on accusing me of stealing her rings with some little tramp of a friend. I just looked at her and said, "I don't have any female friends, Grandma, and you are breaking my heart accusing me of such a thing. I have been nothing but good to you." And I just kept telling her she was breaking my heart. Then Kent touched her shoulder, telling her to get out of our house and to not come back. When he touched her shoulder, she pushed him. He fell back a few spaces (remember, he's extremely skinny and weak from cancer). I got between them and I looked my Grandma in the eye and I said, "leave now." She kept saying she was going to call the police on me. Insert a long deep sigh here.

An hour later she calls my house but I don't answer the phone. She says she doesn't understand why my friend would take her rings and she said she was sorry and that she loved me. I haven't called her back, and I erased the message right away because I just can't process all of this right now. I called my mother right after Grandma left the house and my mom went into Mom mode and called up her sister Patty who came down and stayed with Grandma until Janna could get back from Vegas. I haven't heard a thing about what's going on. Then again, it's only been a day. I just... like I said. It breaks my heart. That's all I can say.

So let's get on to the third and final thing I have to talk about. A month ago a woman approached my mom and was going on about this doctor she found. She was describing her symptoms and how she was feeling so much better. During this conversation my mom had a light bulb moment. She said it sounded just like me and my symptoms... so she begged me to call this doctor. So, I did. Got in a week later to visit this woman and she took 8 vials of blood from me. She also told me if I continued down this road health wise, I would die. She was serious. I would die. Which was just a "oh good grief" moment for me. A week after that, which was just last week, the results came in.

Let's see.. what is wrong with me? Quite a lot actually. More than I ever assumed. Hypothyroidism, B12 deficiency, hormone imbalance, inflammation and severe anemia (her words, not mine) to name a few. My kidneys and liver are functioning properly. I have excellent cholesterol. I'm not diabetic. Everything on the blood tests were great except for those major things.

My thyroid: She put me on Synthroid for my hypothyroidism. She said with my levels it was obvious I was going to be on a thyroid pill for the rest of my life. Hypothyroidism was causing me to be B12 deficient, which was adding to my lack of focus and concentration. My thyroid was also producing antibodies, so she had me go in this past Monday to have a thyroid scan. Kent says its their nice way of saying they're testing for thyroid cancer. We shall see. We shall see. I have yet to hear back on the results from that test.

My B12 deficiency: it was so low that she put me on B12 shots. Literally. Not the pill form but actual vials of B12 that Kent has to stick me with. That's how low it was. She said that a lack of B12 is one of the known precursors to dementia so she and I needed to get to work on fixing my thyroid and getting my B12 up to par immediately.

My hormone imbalance: she said that I need to be on progesterone for now because of what's causing my anemia. Until we can take care of that issue, we can't work 100% on my hormones. She said my "youth" hormone, whatever that is, was that at the level of an 80 year old which is not good for someone my age, so the first thing we need to do when we work to correct my hormones is to get that back to my age level of production.

My inflammation: As you all know, I've been swollen for years. YEARS. Literally. And it has caused me so much pain and discomfort and all sorts of other issues. This was the main reason I went in to see this doctor, because I just wanted to be able to move around without feeling like I'm being stuck with pins and needles all the time. Turns out, the tests said there was some major inflammation going on. She said the pills she's putting me on will help relieve some of it but she wants to get me in to see her own endocrinologist within 3 months time to help figure out what's going on. I guess this one specializes in swelling.

And my Severe Anemia: I'm not going to say what's causing my anemia. That's a bit too personal even for me. But she said that the anemia was the reason why I couldn't breathe so well. Anemia causes shortness of breath from the lack of oxygen you take in, and it also makes you feel extremely tired all the time. She then went on to say that she's never seen anyone with my level of anemia before, and that she's shocked I was able to move around at all. Especially coupled with my hypothyroidism. So....

This is what we're doing to resolve the issues for now: Like I said, I was put on progesterone, B12 shots and synthroid. I was also put back on metformin for my PCOS. Then she put me on supplements that she said I MUST take. I have to take iron pills to counteract the anemia. I can't remember why, but I also have to take magnesium.

The first few days on all these pills made so sick to my stomach I thought I was going to die. It was like having the stomach flu but at an extreme level. It's lessening up, but it still makes me nauseous. Less than one week later and.... well, I think I'm less flighty and forgetful. I do know that I can wake up out of bed without dragging myself. I even sleep less hours. And the swelling has gone down slightly. These are good signs for less than a week. We'll see what another week brings me.

As for now, time to log off and enjoy my day off from work.

In 19 Seconds

Last Five Entries:

I Hate Mondays - Monday, Dec. 10, 2018
Just FYI - Monday, Dec. 03, 2018
Comfortably Numb - Tuesday, Nov. 27, 2018
PFA's and Finding Peace - Monday, Aug. 27, 2018
I didn't ask for all this drama! - Tuesday, Jul. 31, 2018


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You can steer yourself any direction you choose.
You're on your own. And you know what you know.
And YOU are the one who'll decide where to go...

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