I once had a life, or rather, life had me. I was one among many or at least I seemed to be....

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Just rambling on....
Friday, Jul. 19, 2013 11:17 AM

“Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow, but only saps today of its strength.” — A.J. Cronin

This is how bored I am at work these past few days. I have sat here and played numerous Facebook games, and just finished going through Goodreads.com rating books I've read for the past half hour. I've given up on rating them for now. There are way too many books and I'm a bit tired of getting sidetracked from writing in my diary. Oh my god. I should have brought my Kindle with me today and started another book. Why did I not think of this before I took off from the house?

Well, in hindsight, I did wake up a bit late this morning thanks to Kent waking me up at 5:30 to put a pain patch on his back. Plus, Comet's been meowing like crazy ever since JR got home from staying with his grandparents. I love the cat to death, but she won't shut-up. Fortunately for me an accident had happened on the way to work which backed traffic up for miles so I was able to use that as an excuse for being late this morning. I didn't have to tell them that I left the home 15 minutes later than my usual time.

I have a huge bruise on my left kneecap, and I don't know how I got it. I keep looking down at it and wondering what I may have hit. Even with taking iron pills I seem to bruise easy. Then again, I'm a bit reluctant on taking them half the time because they make me so sick to my stomach. It's a bad deal here. If I don't take them, my anemia gets the best of me and I can't breathe and feel exhausted, but if I do take them I feel extremely sick to the stomach for hours. Next week, I am going to have to ask the doctor about this because I don't know if I can keep taking them.

It's now almost noon as I write this, but I am going to wait until 1:00 to grab lunch because I hate dealing with the lunch hour traffic jams. I've been craving salad a lot, but it seems all I can afford right now is the greasy crap fast food places sell on their $1.00 menu. I used to love fast food, but now the idea of eating it makes me sick to my stomach - much like the iron pills I dread taking.

I talked to Frank last night. I really miss his friendship. I miss our conversations and how comfortable it was hanging out with him. I would really like to have the friendship part of our relationship back, but I know that would take a lot of faith on both of our parts since we were both badly hurt by the circumstances that took place. I have hope that it will all fall into place as it should. In cases like these, patience is definitely a virtue.

I am a horrible friend, it seems. I try to be a good friend, but half the time my anxiety keeps me from being one. I'll ignore phone calls or hanging out with someone because I fear the idea of hanging out with them and having to come up with conversation or something to do. I wish it was easier for me to be outgoing like my siblings and parents, but it's not. And because of this shyness or anxiety, I tend to let my friendships suffer in a bad way. I don't know how people put up with me and continue to want to be my friend when I avoid communication with them at least 50% of the time. Perhaps they know me better than I assume they do, and they know I struggle with this.

I do feel bad about a lot of my past actions towards people. Especially how I acted in my early 20's towards people who considered me a good friend. I keep thinking of R.E. here, how he reached out to me in a time of need, and I was selfish and ignored him because of this social anxiety curse... and then I remember how I ran into him at Wal-Mart years later only to have him snub me because I'm sure he assumed I was snubbing him back then. I should find him and apologize. Or is that too much? Well, too late. I just got sidetracked on Facebook writing him a long ass note apologizing for my horrible lack of friendship. I suppose its all I can do since the past is the past and there's no changing it now. I wish I was a better person.

A couple of months ago I ended up meeting another person on WoW who pulled me into some sort of online relationship. I never did get sexual with him, though, and I held back quite a bit. He was and is a very nice man, but I just don't and didn't feel it with him. We're just friends now, thanks to the fact he's getting back with his ex offline, and I feel relieved to be honest.

In fact, while I may not have the type of relationship I want with Kent, I do love him and he is my husband... and I know he loves me so much and unconditionally so I am trying very hard here to be a more supportive, faithful, and loving wife. If he wasn't sick... if he hadn't gone through the whole alcohol phase... if there hadn't been so much drama with his ex, her family, and JR... if his mother wasn't so dramatically inclined to interfere... I think we could have had a better start to our marriage. At least, I know we would have been much happier. I'm going to do my best to obtain that happiness in some form or another. I owe it to him and myself to at least try.

In 19 Seconds

Last Five Entries:

Life Update - Tuesday, May. 21, 2019
I had an epiphany! - Wednesday, Jan. 16, 2019
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To New Beginnings - Tuesday, Jan. 08, 2019
My Christmas Weekend 2018 - Wednesday, Dec. 26, 2018

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You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself any direction you choose.
You're on your own. And you know what you know.
And YOU are the one who'll decide where to go...

- Dr. Seuss