I once had a life, or rather, life had me. I was one among many or at least I seemed to be....

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Just Like the One Winged Dove
Tuesday, Jun. 23, 2015 2:18 PM

“Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.” ― Robert A. Heinlein

Sunday was Father's Day and my oldest sister Jenny invited us over for dinner. I arrived on time only to find myself in some kind of funk. I tried to hide the tears falling from my eyes but I don't think I hid them well enough. I lied and said my eyes itched from allergies, but I think they knew the truth. I Think they knew I was lying, but they let me anyway.

I felt out of place. I felt like an orange in a basket full of apples. So I tried my best to put on a fake face and smile as much as I possibly could without overdoing it. I ate the food and kept my mouth shut. If I opened my mouth, I was positive that I'd just end up bawling. And if I ended up bawling, what would I say to them when they asked me what was wrong? "I have no idea!" Although, deep down, I think I know what's wrong but it's such a silly thing to worry about or feel bad about that I prefer to pretend I don't know.

They make me feel like a fifth wheel. They make me feel disliked and unwanted. What worse feeling in the world is there than that? Well, except for grieving over the death or loss of a loved one, of course. They make plans and do sisterly things without me, which makes me feel utterly sad inside. I try to console myself with the fact that I have nothing in common with them, but it still hurts. My sensitivity is in overdrive on this matter, and I can't seem to be adult and rational about it. What brought this feeling on? Arriving at the house and finding that they went swimming without me. Swimming! And Angie had a birthday party where she only invited Jenny. Am I that horrible of a person to relate with? Am I so awful to be around that they choose to not invite me to their little gatherings? I don't even know why I care. I don't know why it upsets me so much, but it does. I'd like to ask them why they didn't include me but that's rude and it would just make me cry.

So, I made it through the dinner without uttering a negative word. I think I pretended really well that everything was okay. Then my niece Megan started playing the piano and the songs were sad and beautiful. I knew if I sat there any longer, my emotions would overcome me and I'd be embarrassed even more. So, I grabbed my purse, said goodbye to my niece and father and hightailed it out the door for home. I took an allergy pill and went straight to bed the second I got home. Sleeping is the only thing that helps.

I know it's horrible of me to feel and act this way, but for some reason.... I just feel really unwanted and disliked. And it's not just by my sisters. It's also by my coworkers. I know I'm not the most outgoing person in the world but it would be nice to feel included. Or at least remembered.

I don't think I'm going to like going to Colorado in a month with my family. I think it's going to be hell for me. I wonder if I should just stay home. I really don't want to be around a bunch of happy go lucky athletic adventurous alcoholics.

In 19 Seconds

Last Five Entries:

Life Update - Tuesday, May. 21, 2019
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My Christmas Weekend 2018 - Wednesday, Dec. 26, 2018

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You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself any direction you choose.
You're on your own. And you know what you know.
And YOU are the one who'll decide where to go...

- Dr. Seuss